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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel sickened after break up of 7 year relationship

6 replies

Bythestrikeofthenight · 12/09/2023 19:01

Just that really. We've split (briefly) in the past - usually instigated by him. Part of me assumed he'd change his mind again this time but I now doubt he's going to. He blocked me as he said he didn't want me calling repeatedly (he's now unblocked as said he just needed breathing space.) Don't live together but he only lives half an hour away, but still did it over the phone. We'd had a few arguments over the past weeks - probably worse than normal, but not worthy of breaking up. More just heat of the moment. We are usually together about 4 days of the week.

I've been severely depresses since April & not able to do much, plus had lots of time off work. Very severe anxiety such as vomiting and intrusive thoughts. Our sex life pretty much died as a result, though he's never had an overly high sex drive anyway, so I didn't think it was a major cause for concern and would improve once I felt better. I had a few days (literally three/four after months) of finally feeling more like myself and had motivation for work etc. and then he does this. Just saying he's lost interest and doesn't want a relationship and the stresses and constraints that come with it. Says he's not interested in anyone else or any relationship at the moment, but wants to meet someone else in the future. He said he thinks he would have said that eventually, but the argument was the trigger.

I feel gutted as I have no one nearby, no local friends (haven't lived here very long). My parents live miles away and whilst I would go back for a bit, it's not a normal family dynamic so I find it hard to be there long term.

He wants to still see me, be friends, come to the house, possibly still be affectionate in terms of holding hands etc. I don't know what to do as part of me thinks that's better than nothing and having literally no one at all, but emotionally I don't know if I can stand it. :( I've had dark thoughts for months and on top of everything else I'm not sure I can handle life much longer.

As awful as I'd feel never seeing him again, I'm not sure my heart can handle what he's suggesting.

Even though he doesn't live here, he also has tons of stuff here, so I don't know how that's going to work. He's also my first and only boyfriend and he's always told me he'll always be there for me.

I can't eat or sleep but still have to work as I've had so much sick leave due to my depression problems this year. I really don't know where to turn - I've had support of family & the Samaritans via the phone, but the person I want to speak to most I can't.

I know I can't change his mind but the thought of it being over forever is killing me.

OP posts:
Hoosemover · 12/09/2023 19:10

He wanted out..he’s out. Don’t become his booty call.
Try going NO CONTACT for 30 days and give yourself time to adjust to life without him.

McHot · 12/09/2023 19:12

So sorry, it's shit.

First relationships do tend to end sooner or later and it seems like this one has just run it's course - I know that's hard to hear.

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and you're very much in a valley of sadness right now, the best thing about that is there always, ALWAYS bounce back and things can and do get better.

I think he is suggesting being friends as he obviously still cares for you as a person and those residual feelings will cause him to feel like he still wants to make sure you're 'ok' even though the romantic relationship is at an end, it's up to you to decide whether that's something you can handle. If you still love him, probably not.

It's a day by day thing and you can and will get through it, you don't even have to believe that right now, or that better is coming (it is) but just put one foot in front of the other and keep showing up for what life has to offer you.

Bythestrikeofthenight · 12/09/2023 19:18

No, I wouldn't be a booty call I don't think - we've hardly had sex in months, so I'd be surprised if that's what he wanted. Seems like he wants more companionship than anything.

He's coming to help fix something in my house that I'd have to pay 100s (that I don't have) to otherwise fix next week. But I know no contact might be the only way.

OP posts:
dooneyousmugelf · 12/09/2023 19:19

Ask him to collect his stuff by a set date or have it ready for him outside. He needs to commit to the break up if it's what he really wants.
I'm not sure if he's afraid of what you'll say or do as you've been in a bad place mentally, or if he's trying to have his came and eat it by suggesting affection and blurred boundaries but neither scenario is fair on you- or him if the first one is true.
Your health and social support are separate issue which you would need to fully address regardless. Take one day at a time.

dooneyousmugelf · 12/09/2023 19:19

Cake*

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 12/09/2023 19:36

Please do not see him at all and just take it each day at a time. If he can break up with you over the phone it shows how little respect he has. Try to be kind to yourself, eat and sleep well and get some walks in. Watch crap tv and relax and try not to overthink. Even go home for the weekend if you can or if not plan a day out and try to keep busy. Do not text him or talk to him at all and as someone else said no contact for 30 days and you will find your inner strength. It seems like you want to see him as you have no one else there. Maybe join a hobby club or something you really like and meet new people or a walking club weekends, something to just keep your mind busy. If he really wanted to be with you he would and not this crap 'hold hands' thing when you see each other. Have respect for yourself and standards and you deserve more than what he has to offer. If you can try to arrange one on one counselling as it will help you to have someone to talk to. Things will improve and get better but if you keep seeing him he will mess your head up even more and did you ever wonder has he been part of the reason to how you were feeling. Someone you are with are meant to be there for you and he has shown you who he is, please put yourself first. Am older and wiser and this will pass even if it does not feel like it now. Mind yourself and do not let him into your place, pack up his stuff and just arrange a time that you will have it outside your door for him to collect.

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