Just that really. We've split (briefly) in the past - usually instigated by him. Part of me assumed he'd change his mind again this time but I now doubt he's going to. He blocked me as he said he didn't want me calling repeatedly (he's now unblocked as said he just needed breathing space.) Don't live together but he only lives half an hour away, but still did it over the phone. We'd had a few arguments over the past weeks - probably worse than normal, but not worthy of breaking up. More just heat of the moment. We are usually together about 4 days of the week.
I've been severely depresses since April & not able to do much, plus had lots of time off work. Very severe anxiety such as vomiting and intrusive thoughts. Our sex life pretty much died as a result, though he's never had an overly high sex drive anyway, so I didn't think it was a major cause for concern and would improve once I felt better. I had a few days (literally three/four after months) of finally feeling more like myself and had motivation for work etc. and then he does this. Just saying he's lost interest and doesn't want a relationship and the stresses and constraints that come with it. Says he's not interested in anyone else or any relationship at the moment, but wants to meet someone else in the future. He said he thinks he would have said that eventually, but the argument was the trigger.
I feel gutted as I have no one nearby, no local friends (haven't lived here very long). My parents live miles away and whilst I would go back for a bit, it's not a normal family dynamic so I find it hard to be there long term.
He wants to still see me, be friends, come to the house, possibly still be affectionate in terms of holding hands etc. I don't know what to do as part of me thinks that's better than nothing and having literally no one at all, but emotionally I don't know if I can stand it. :( I've had dark thoughts for months and on top of everything else I'm not sure I can handle life much longer.
As awful as I'd feel never seeing him again, I'm not sure my heart can handle what he's suggesting.
Even though he doesn't live here, he also has tons of stuff here, so I don't know how that's going to work. He's also my first and only boyfriend and he's always told me he'll always be there for me.
I can't eat or sleep but still have to work as I've had so much sick leave due to my depression problems this year. I really don't know where to turn - I've had support of family & the Samaritans via the phone, but the person I want to speak to most I can't.
I know I can't change his mind but the thought of it being over forever is killing me.