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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH never leaves the house

21 replies

Turquoiseviolet · 12/09/2023 18:19

Just wondering if I am unusual for feeling this way. DH and I have a long history of ups and downs in our relationship. I've now realised he has narcissistic traits and can be passive aggressive, in between periods of being nice.

He left his job a few months ago as he was struggling with his mental health. He has now claimed on his sickness benefit insurance so will be off work for the foreseeable future. This will give us half his income, so worth my salary as well we can manage, but there won't be any extras for luxuries or savings. He is early 50s.

He spends all day relaxing, doing hobbies and listening to music. No housework apart from cooking and leaving the kitchen like a bombsite.

He is at home all the time - never goes out. I work from home three days a week and from the office one day a week. I feel so trapped and like I am losing my mind - he is always here, lying on the sofa or just around the place.

I have begged him to go and stay with family or friends or a b and b, just so I can get some space. However he just looked hurt and said that it was his house too, he has a right to be here.

I spend a lot of time in my bedroom feeling trapped (we have separate rooms due to his snoring) as somehow I find it difficult to be around his energy all the time.

We also have two teenage DC.

He is planning never to go back to work if the sickness insurance keeps paying out.

He barely talks to me and is just happy in his own world. When I have told him that I'm struggling with the situation he doesn't seem to understand why. It's just his presence here all the time, and the fact that he seems so self absorbed. He never seems to think, what can I do today that will help the family, eg gardening, going to the tip, tidying up, or even doing courses to help improve his mental health.

He said I have high expectations, so I really don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Bottlerecycle · 12/09/2023 18:24

If you don’t end it be or your own sake, FGS you must end it for your poor children. This sounds a horrific atmosphere to grow up in

frozendaisy · 12/09/2023 18:28

Can you not go to the office more and leave him to it?

Then make plans on what home you can afford on your own.
Are you going to circle this design until one of you dies?

Don't wash his clothes, don't food shop for him, a useless lump sat on the sofa all day in his 50s who sleeps in a separate room is not my idea of an equal partner.

This sounds awful OP. Awful.

RaininSummer · 12/09/2023 18:48

Sickness insurance doesn't pay out indefinitely though does it? His behaviour would drive me mad. Surely he needs to do more around the house and actually go out sometimes.

RantyAnty · 12/09/2023 18:58

Sure it's his house too so that means he needs to contribute to the upkeep of it with cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc.

I would say that to him and ask him he thinks everything is your job while he lays around doing nothing.

over50andfab · 12/09/2023 19:00

He said I have high expectations, so I really don't know what to think.

it might be a good idea to sit down and discuss your expectations of each other. You could make a list of all things that need doing, costs/contributions and anything else and between you tick off what you’re both doing then see what it looks like. This might show who has high expectations of who.
**
Another way of looking at it is drawing up a list with 2 columns of what he brings to your life and what he doesn’t doesn’t

Turquoiseviolet · 12/09/2023 19:16

Thanks. He has never done any housework, very minimal DIY, or gardening, and I have stopped asking him as he either gets angry, or says he'll do it later and doesn't. The fact is, he wouldn't mind at all if I never did any housework - cleaning, tidying, vacuuming - so in his mind, why should he do it? He has said to me before, don't worry about doing all the housework, just leave it, and relax. He's happy to live in a total pigsty - that would be fine with him.

The DC seem ok at the moment as I try all the time to keep everything bright and breezy and as nice an atmosphere as possible, even though on the inside I am really struggling. Although my DS does question from time to time why DH is not going back to work, as he thinks DH seems fine and not unwell in any way.

I think DH feels his contribution is now the insurance money. I have never met anyone with so little motivation or get up and go. Also, even if he doesn't want to go out of the house, the fact that I am saying that I am struggling with him being around all the time, surely he could do it for me, if not for him?

It's good to hear that other people would also be feeling like this and it's not just me.

OP posts:
Doodar · 12/09/2023 19:20

it is his house too though, can you go into the office more, build a garden office? either way he isn't going t change, I'd leave.

Turquoiseviolet · 12/09/2023 19:23

@RaininSummer all he needed to claim the sickness insurance was filing in a form plus a letter from his GP. I think they will review his case periodically, so I don't know if they will need further evidence in the future. However if all that's needed is just a letter from the GP, well I guess if DH just keeps saying that he has anxiety and stress, she will write a report to say that, and that may be enough evidence.

I know he has anxiety (I have borne the brunt of it for many years), and only he can tell whether he feels he can work or not. But even if he really can't work, he could be more active eg doing stuff in the house or volunteering, and that would make things so much easier for me. It's just the lying around all day that I find so difficult.

OP posts:
Turquoiseviolet · 12/09/2023 19:25

@Doodar yes I totally get it is his house too. Its just that I would like to feel I have a bit of space here without him lying around all the time.

But I think I need to be realistic, I don't think things are going to change much, and I can't live like this.

OP posts:
Bottlerecycle · 12/09/2023 19:27

Op you “spend a lot of my time in my room” so as not to be with him

he “barely talks” to you

he is often passive aggressive

your children are teenagers. They will be acutely aware of the environment and atmosphere

Turquoiseviolet · 12/09/2023 19:32

@Bottlerecycle that's all very true. I have desperately been trying to keep the family together (my dad left our family and I wanted my family to stay together) but it's looking like it's not going to be possible.

I've also realised I've got low self esteem so for years I have questioned are things really that bad, or is it me.

OP posts:
Bottlerecycle · 12/09/2023 19:37

In the basis of this thread op - the situation is very unhealthy and unhappy for you and your children

family dinners, Christmas, holidays, weekends - must be thick with tension and unhappiness and silence between their parents.

make the change

Turquoiseviolet · 12/09/2023 19:43

@Bottlerecycle well the thing is, I make a massive effort and try to make sure the atmosphere is nice and fun on all these occasions. But maybe the dc see through it, as I'm sure I can't always hide my feelings.

Yes, I know I need to make the change. I was thinking recently, this could be my life for the next 30 odd years as I don't think DH is going to change. It's really hard but I know I can't live like this, and it's not fair on the dc.

OP posts:
Bottlerecycle · 12/09/2023 19:44

But you said you spend most of you time in your room and he barely speaks to you

this can’t go unnoticed by your teenagers op

Maplestars · 12/09/2023 19:49

It’s his house, he’s entitled to be there 24/7 if he wants to

but clearly that’s not actually the issue, it’s that you don’t like him (justifiably) and would like a break from him.
having him go temporarily to an air bnb just because he’s unpleasant around the house isn’t a reasonable solution
maybe you needed this to realise how awful he is.
either way, you need to go out yourself
or leave him
what an awful atmosphere for your children

Bobbi730 · 12/09/2023 20:01

I know you are trying to keep the family together but when my parents split up, it was such a relief as their relationship was so bad. This man is bringing nothing to the relationship apart from teaching your kids that men can lay about all day while their wives do everything. Not a life lesson I'd want mine to learn. Please leave for your sake and yiur kids.

Turquoiseviolet · 12/09/2023 20:02

@Maplestars I know what you mean, but I don't know if I would say I don't like him - I actually feel I still love him, which is why I feel conflicted.

Whoever it was in my life, if i loved them or not, if they were behaving how he does, I would find it difficult. I feel it's self absorbed.

Interesting you say "maybe you needed this to realise how awful he is" yes I think if he hadn't gone off on sick leave we would have limped along for years. He did used to spend every spare minute on the sofa but I felt at least he was going to work. Now this situation may be the thing that forces my hand.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 12/09/2023 20:08

He sounds absolutely pathetic and I couldnt be with a partner who didn't have any goals or aspirations and could happily live in filth.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

If not, divorce

sadaboutmycat · 12/09/2023 20:08

Going against the grain here, but what you're describing is how my son was when in the very depths of depression.
I would say he needs the GP to facilitate some talking therapy. Do something to move forward.
If he won't try, then there's then not much you can do. You'll then have to look after yourself a the kids.
But to me as a married couple you need to tell him that he has to try, or he's risking it all.

Turquoiseviolet · 12/09/2023 20:20

@sadaboutmycat I know what you mean, but DH has been like this ever since I have known him (20 years). Any time he was off work he behaved like this. I have tried everything I could over the years to help him - various talking therapies, encouraging him to do things to help his mental health, speak to the GP etc. He is currently on anti depressants and has been on them for most of the duration of our relationship. I just think this is his personality, maybe some people's personalities are chronically depressed and nothing can help.

I'm sorry your son went through a difficult time, I hope he is OK now.

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 12/09/2023 20:59

Sounds awful OP, my husband was like this for 6 months and gradually got better. If it hadn’t and I thought it would go on indefinitely I would be making plans to leave, you can’t sit in a bedroom half your life

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