After some rather general advice as I don't read too much from this perspective on these boards; but I've learnt and seen so much about DV and financial and emotional abuse on here - with brilliant advice and support for women coming to terms with realising they are being abused. I'm a v old member here but NC obvs
I have a relative who is in an abusive relationship and I need to find ways to keep her in mine and my DH's life.
I had a close friend years ago who was in a terrible abusive relationship and I think I alienated her because I did not know what to do with my anger on her behalf - and of course I had no idea how the playbook plays out and how long it is usually before women in abusive and coercive relationships can escape - or how the script plays out as alienating all friends and family to isolate the abused person. I really don't want to be playing along to this script this time...
This relative has DCs with her DH and adult DCs with ex-first DH. We know he has violence in his past, he has been violent with her over the years. He is financially abusive, and a nasty man IMHO. She does not get any of his £££ salary for their DCs, food, leisure (he pays house bills)and he has gone out of his way to ensure he has never contributed anything to his SDC's upbringing through the years. She has multiple jobs to have her own money. The house is in his name (yes I know this makes no difference but it is the idea that controls isn't it?) and she doesn't know where his money is. Holidays are the only time she can get any £ from him - but only if it's all inclusive. There is a narrative perpetuated in the fam that 'X is rubbish with money so it's just as well Y looks after it all' which has me 🤯😱
She called the police after he beat her up drunk earlier this year and at that time moved out for a short while, and we spoke about it and supported her. I have assured her that (we are 100s of miles away) she is always welcome here - we are on her side, pointed her to the Freedom program and Women's Aid, gone into details about the situation, and tried to talk the 'what he does isn't your fault' talk. She is back with him and reports that it's all 'great' and he's 'behaving'. The less enlightened members of family think we have to put up and shut up, minimise the whole thing, and pretend all is fine. They live nearer.
Thing is I don't know how we will ever see her now. She won't come and visit on her own - too far for a day trip or during term time, and we just can't have him staying with us. I can't speak to him again and hold my tongue. DH can't either. I mean, how can you have someone staying in your house when you know the awful stuff they have done/said?
What do people do? This is how families are torn apart isn't it? Would really like to hear ways to reconcile this and not be part of the isolation narrative. Or do I need to suck it up and smile to keep up support for her? My boundaries are blurred here and I just don't know if I'm being obstructive or counterproductive...