When to tell DH I want a divorce?

[Glassapple]

After years of emotional abuse I'm planning to divorce my DH. I'm booking an initial appointment with a solicitor hopefully next week. We have two teen dc.

I just had a few questions for any of you who may have been through this process.

I would ideally like to move out/complete the divorce early summer 2024 (after dd has completed exams).

When would be the best time to tell DH that I want a divorce? The house is in a bit of a mess and needs decluttering, and the garden also needs work - if I told him fairly soon he might be able to help with that (although tbh he is lazy and barely lifts a finger so probably not).

We also have a share in a business property that I want to sell so that more equity will be released for us both to buy a new property. This may be complicated and will take time to sort out. DH would have to be involved in this.

I just can't bear the thought of telling him soon, and then having to live in the same house together for months, with him no doubt being angry about everything. I can't afford to rent anywhere else though.

Should I wait until after Christmas to tell him? So at least he won't be so angry that Christmas is spoiled.

Any thoughts welcome!

Sorry I haven't been there but your solicitor may be able to guide you about the process and from that you may get clarity on how to tell him. Sorry you're going through this xx

@ShawleyNot thanks for your message, yes hopefully the solicitor will be able to give me some guidance

If he’s emotionally abusive I would wait until you have as much as possible in place to leave before you tell him. You may well find that he is very unreasonable and abusive once you’ve told him.

Can you declutter and get stuff sorted at the house without telling him it’s because you’re leaving? Maybe under the guise of ‘I’ve had enough of living in a hovel’. With the business property -do you need it to buy a new house? Is there any possibility of renting for a short time while you get that sold?

I say all of this because the riskiest time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when they are leaving. You cannot expect an ounce of reasonable behaviour and for that reason you should wait until the last possible moment to tell him.

There is now a 20 week cooling off period.

So you apply for your Divorce, they're all no fault now so fairly straightforward and you don't need a Solicitor to do this bit.

You will need to discuss your finances with your Solicitor though as you'll need them to do draw up the Financial Order.

Ask the Solicitor, before you go, if they have experience of dealing with Divorces where DA is taking place.

Also rake as much information on yours and STBXH's finances as you can.

Agree that if he's emotionally abusive you need to keep your powder dry for as long as possible because there is every chance that he will make it difficult for you once he knows and possibly ramp up the abuse.

Can you declutter and get stuff sorted at the house without telling him it’s because you’re leaving?

My DSis did this. Did actually do a lot of decluttering then rented a place and moved things there but by bit. They weren't Married though and you'll need to speak to Womensaid about remaining in the home with him and staying safe or how moving out may affect your rights in the property and finances.

Rights of Women offer free legal advice. I'd talk to them before paying for your first appointment with a Solicitor in your situation

*take

If you want to crush him, clean the house, make him dinners, be really nice to him and then spend wonderful Christmas together. After New Year's Eve, present him with a divorce paper.

To spare yourself and him the emotions, be withdrawn, messy, in bad mood and start talking about how other women are pretty.

I don't think you present Divorce papers anymore do you? Isn't that a bit Angie and Den?

Speak to the solicitor and go from there because the intricacies will give you the potential timeline.

Forget any possible decency from him if he’s abusive. Believe me, they get even worse when you file for divorce and don’t want to put up with their shit anymore. I really convinced myself that surely my EXH also wasn’t happy and could see the benefit of being fair and amicable - but I was not dealing with a decent human being and had to be reminded of this by his actions after I’d filed.

My EHX did less round the house, constantly threatened to never see the kids again/walk out/kill himself, and did lots of threatening to let down or disrupt things for the children to get back at me. I wish I’d organised him actually leaving as part of the divorce process but I filed taking his word that he was somehow contrite and sorry and would go quietly.

Abusive people are dreadful once you shake off control, I’m certain your H will pull out all the stops once you make it clear he’s done. Think in terms of your children, your finances and your sanity, don’t measure a timeline out with the assumption that his behaviour will be manageable, it’ll get worse.

If you have a set timeline then you need to start the process immediately.

You apply for a divorce. I can take 2 to 4 weeks for the government to accept it.
DH will be issued the divorce papers by email or post. He has 2 weeks to decide on accepting.
Then there is a cooling off period of a minimum of 20 weeks.
Then you start the divorce. Then wait an additional 6 weeks and a day before completion.

However, it is strongly recommended not to finish the divorce until the financial consent has been before a judge. Pension forecasts can take a long time to get as well, especially if you are after detailed forecasts.

I applied 30 August. The earliest we can start is 30 January. DH knows and is in general agreement with the divorce but not discussed percentage yet.

From experience, all hell will break loose once you tell your husband your want a divorce. Whatever you are having now will be AT LEAST 10 times worse. Expect the upheaval to last 2-3 years if not longer (depending how badly he takes). I would personally wait until until your DD finished her exams before dropping the news. I would get some counselling for yourself in meantime to get some emotional support and hopefully set up some boundaries.

Saw this post on a 'similar threads' list this evening and wondered how you are doing/what you decided to do? Hope you are ok.