Who to be angry with....husband or MIL?

[Nessamommy]

My husband's aunt has come to clean our house a couple of times (she does this as her job). I decided that it would be nice to have someone come in every 2 weeks to do a thorough cleaning so I checked into getting a maid service to come, as this aunt doesn't do the greatest job and tends to sometimes do more chatting than cleaning. The maid service was way too expensive so I thought she would be better to have than nobody since it has been very hard to get things done myself. Today she came over and cleaned, but asked me how much the maid service would be if we got them???? I was stunned b/c I couldn't figure out how she knew that we did this. I think she was insulted. I talked to my husband and I guess he had told his mother. He tells her everything!! I don't know who to be more mad at...him or his mother? And what to do now? It seems like they both have big mouths. I feel really awkward around his aunt now.

I think you need to get the full story before you're angry with anyone. Right now you haven't got a clue what's happened, or who has said what to whom - speak to your husband and find out the facts before you get angry over what might or might not have been said.

I'd just clean my own house tbh, less chance of offending people that way.

Do you pay dh's aunt btw?

I asked my husband how she would have found that out..and he said he talked to his mom (which I wasn't impressed with)..and his aunt and mom were just on vacation together for a week. There isn't anyone else who could have told her. His mother has done this before! I know it's not the end of the world and I shouldn't be so mad but sometimes I feel like our life is an open book!

Oh..yes we do pay his aunt...a little more than she asks too! I do like to clean my own house but have been doing a lot on my own around the house lately (husband has been working more) so it's been a bit harder to get everything done properly.

Hum. I agree with WWB, but on balance, I'd be annoyed with your dh. I don't think you can expect your MIL to necessary not tell things to her sister (I assume) - esp if your dh didn't specifically ask her not to mention it...
I'd just be really clear when the conversations you are having with dh are 'these 4 walls only' - my dh (who is generally quite self aware) often fails to realise stuff said to him ins't necessarily to be passed onto his family (who he's very close to) over the years, I've just learnt to be explicit.

Bigger lesson, imho, is don't ever employ family, always ends in tears...

I'm not sure what the problem is here. Isn't this just family talking to each other? If you don't want that, don't employ an aunt as a cleaner (I have a cleaner but would find it weird to pay a family member for that).

I am starting to agree with you oranges. His aunt likes to come do this though..as it's her only spending money. Her husband keeps a close wrap on the money. Funnyhaha...I think I'm going to have to start telling my husband when not to share things. The problem is is that he doesn't ever think sharing everything is a big deal.

You weren't impressed that your husband talks to his mother??

Blimey.

I don't think sharing is a big deal in this case though. You are a little embarrassed, but that's your problem in a way, not anyone else's. No one can stop you getting a maid service if you want one.

I can't help but think your husband should have the freedom to tell his family whatever he wants really, barring intimate details of your relationship. Is it really your place to dictate to your husband what he can and can't tell his own mother?

I can understand your embarrasment at your situation, but these things happen sometimes. No point making it into a bigger deal by being mad at anyone.

I don't care that my husband shares with his family...I share with mine too...but I think there should be boundaries. This isn't the first time things like this have happened..that's why I'm getting so angry. Must every conversation I have with my husband be deemed "tell your mother" or "don't tell your mother"?

I think it's up to your husband to decide what he tells his mother and what he doesn't. I'm sure he can decide for himself what crosses the boundaries of TMI really.

So what if his Aunt knows you where looking for a maid service?

what funnyhaha says - families talk. What did you expect. Never employ family. Have seen this too many times with DH's family when they think it's better to keep cash in the family by employing any cousin wanting work. Ends-in-tears.

I think if you start getting cross, you are going to escalate this into a bigger deal than it is TBH.

I think you are now stuck with a ropey cleaner for ever.

why didn't you employ the maid service (or another cleaner) from the start? Was she foisted on you? If your DH's aunt wanted a job she could be working on a strictly professional level cleaning for someone else, as opposed to doing a half hearted job as a family favour 'cause her husband is tight fisted

I would agree that I shouldn't have to tell my husband what to tell and what not to tell..but I am finding that through experience, he often shares things that I am not comfortable sharing. I don't think this is okay and I'm not sure how to stop him from doing so. I've never employed family before...this has been the first...and last time! In my family we have never shared financial/personal things with others outside of our home so it is odd for me to see my husband sharing everything with his mother.

nessamommy, i see where you're coming from and i think that i would be a little bit annoyed with my dp if i were in your shoes, as i think he was a little bit indiscreet in this case.

i know how this feels, my dp is pretty close to his (large) family, and often totally unwittingly passes on things that have been said between the two if us in a very insensitive way

i agree that it isn't ideal to have to be explicit every time you don't want them to pass something on, but unfortunately if your dp/dh is close to his family (which obv does come with very nice qualities too), and if they aren't always a paragon of discretion, then i think spelling it out is the only option...

re the cleaner, if you don't have time to do it yourself, defintitely find someone who'll do the job properly!

Maybe just let him know how you feel and spell it out for him sometimes, if you're having a conversation that you don't want him sharing with others just say you'd really prefer it if it was kept between you two only. It may be that after a while you won't need to be so blunt as he will come to know what you would rather stayed between you and him and what he can share.