Feels like final straw with DM

[Iliketulips]

DH has taken early retirement to protect his mental health.

My DM has fallen out with my Auntie (DA) about it. She felt DA was being funny (it was the way DA said it apparently). My Mum put the phone down on her.

Spoke to my DM yesterday. She’s low over the fall out and wants to know what my husband has said about it. I told her last week I haven’t told him and I still haven’t as I just want him to relax and know he’s done the right thing - he has plans so won’t just be sat at home, but he’s missing his colleagues and the work structure. My DM said, ‘so you’re putting DA over me and N (my DH)?' She then wanted to know if I’ve spoken to DA (I hadn’t) and if I planned to continue a relationship with her. As I couldn’t give DM a firm yes or no, she told me only to phone if it’s a ‘no’and put phone down. Phoned her straight back, she didn’t answer.

I’ve since spoken to DA, I didn’t raise the fall out as she’s got more than enough on her plate. She seemed absolutely fine with me and DH. Even if DA has been off, life is too short, so I’ll be continuing my relationship with her (DH will support this I know), but I can’t see where I go from here with DM.

I’ll now have to tell DH as he’ll wonder why I haven’t been in contact with DM, which doesn't help.

DM has literally fallen out with everyone she knows and will have no one to speak to. She won’t let fall outs go and just has to keep talking at me about them - have to bite my tongue as most are her fault. I’ve been on the receiving end of her attitude a few times myself. The only reason I keep going back for more is the guilt of leaving an elderly person totally on her on own.

I’ve spoken to adult DD about it. As soon as I started the conversation, her immediate reaction was, ‘what’s Granny taken offence at now?’

Sorry post is long winded. Does anyone have any thoughts?

This all seems a bit unnecessary.

Honestly I'd ignore her. If she calls you talk about something else and if (when) she brings it up just say "mum I don't wish to talk about this" and either change the topic or if she keeps going, end the call.

Your mum is getting more out of the drama of "what did so and so say/ are you going to keep talking to them" war games and who is the winner, than the actual "falling out". Just don't engage. I know it's not that easy in real life but what an existence getting dragged into all this crap. Don't enable it and it will stop.

No words of wisdom other than to say I hear you. Note my user name…my DM is much the same, is now NC with her only sibling and frankly revels in drama/misfortune of her friends and will find anything to take umbrage at.

People like that are just attention seeking. If you don't give them the attention, they stop.

Ignore her. She'll soon come back, and then you can decide whether you want a relationship with her, and if so on what terms.

Lots of people get like this as they get older, I can foresee it happening before long with my DF. There's a limit to how much you can invest in protecting them from their own attitude to others. Sometimes they're just going to have to deal with the consequences of having no Off switch to their opinions on their own.

Your daughter's response probably sums up how everyone else feels. Take some time out from it.

Personally and in general I would tell your DH about it. My approach with my DMs pass-agg bullshittery is to try and laugh about it with my DD/DH rather than stew on it. We have lots of little in jokes and references about my DM aka the fun sponge. Some may think it’s disrespectful but I don’t care, it helps me cope.

Thanks for your replies. I don't feel like I want to phone her any time soon. Part of me wants a Mum in my life but it isn't easy with her and I definitely need space now. Still hard to let go though.

Last time but one when we fall out, she phoned a couple of weeks later saying, 'can we at least talk' . Last time, turns out it was a misunderstanding and we should sort as I was her only DD. IF she does phone, then yes, I agree I do need to take the stance, 'I don't want to talk about it' and not respond when she continues.

I will have to tell DH now. He knows what DM is like, but at the same time I don't want him feeling he's in any way done the wrong thing.

The only person who has done wrong here is your mother and she is not going to apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions. She is the type that would start an argument in an empty room.

Drop the rope your toxic mother holds out to you and reduce all interactions with her going forward. It would not at all surprise me if she has acted the self same her entire life. BTW you do not mention your father here; is he in your life now?.

She will likely call you at some point and act like nothing has happened. You are probably one of the last people who actually bothers with her due to you receiving the Special Training but such people are not worth bothering with or about. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Grieve also for the relationship you should have had with your mother rather than the one you actually got.

"DM has literally fallen out with everyone she knows and will have no one to speak to. She won’t let fall outs go and just has to keep talking at me about them - have to bite my tongue as most are her fault. I’ve been on the receiving end of her attitude a few times myself. The only reason I keep going back for more is the guilt of leaving an elderly person totally on her on own".

None of the above is at all surprising; she really would start an argument in an empty room. Note too that she has made all this all about her (yet again). You realise that emotionally healthy people do not at all act like this (read about NPD re your mother and see how much of that fits in with her behaviours) and your DD has the measure of her. She also has good boundaries re her nan also; you need the same re your mother. And she will not like you having or asserting boundaries at all.

What have you got to feel guilty about?. DO you really think your mother feels any guilt when it comes to you; not a bit of it. She thinks you deserved it.
TBH if she did end up on her own that is neither your doing or your fault; she has really brought this upon her own self. There's good reason too why such people like your mother have no friends. Your mother does not really want any friends and will actively drive them away. Deal with your feelings of fear, obligation and guilt re your mother through therapy and do consider reading the book I recommended. Have a read too of the Out of the FOG website.

AttilaTheMeerkat My Dad passed away while we were on our honeymoon. I do remember growing up she would have one on her over her MIL, feeling she never had a say in where she lived or presents my Dad had bought which weren't right. She sometimes raises some of these things at my Dad's grave when I take her.

I've put the book you suggested in my Amazon basket, so will read it as I think I really need to move forward now.

I guess I feel bad as my Mum has had years on her own - ie I'm the one who should be there for her more than anyone else. Hard to be there for her, as she just talks at us, goes on about fallouts she's had etc.

Didn't want to read and run. I went through something similar about 11 years ago. My Mum and I didn't speak for about 19 months and she wormed her way back in by phoning and asking if she could send DD a birthday card (and she wasn't expecting any contact). We got over it at the time, although, over the years there's been so many fall outs between us and other people my Mum has contact with, I find it hard to cope with the negativity. Nothing is ever her fault, not even partly and it's very much a one way relationship, ie I listen and if I'm allowed to comment, it's the wrong this.

Obviously you have to work out what's best for you, but I wish I'd stayed strong, but I know it's not that easy grieving a relationship that was never there.

Omg i could have written your post op. My mother is as bad if not worse.

You have my sympathy.