I am 34 and really struggling with finding my comformable place with my family. I am finding it harder the older I get. I grew up with my sister a year older than me, our parents are still married, but my mum had my other 2 sisters with her ex. They are early 50s.
Childhood felt safe. Dad worked. Mum stayed home. We had the odd days out. Had a family dog. Meals and routine. Never ate my parents argue apart from once.
I don't want to sound ungrateful but I remember my best friends mum giving me my fun memories. My mum was always doing her jobs and our birthdays etc were never really made a deal of. My friends mum took us down the carnival. Made the garden fun on hot days and always did a cheap birthday party at home for my friend.
As I got older I realised my mum was shaming me whenever I was upset. She clearly didn't want to deal with the emotonal stuff. I remember starting my periods and her bunging a pad at me (I was 11) and she basically walked off and said tough when i cried about my confusion. As an 18 year old I sobbed on the stairs when the family dog was put down if had seen I was 7. My mum who's never cried in my life said I stopped her grieving because I was such a bluddy state.
This eventually went on to insults about my fat legs. I started working and I remember feeling ugly. I had 7 new young women in my life I could have made some amazing memories with and I declined every invite. Because my mum said we couldn't wear skinny jeans. We were the wrong shape. I couldnt possibly get my legs out because they were abnormal from my mums words.
At 25 I became a mum. I remember opening an emotional can of worms with myself. I'd witnessed so many friends share on fb their joys along the way. Their mums by their sides as they gave birth or had scans. Baby showers and love and support in place. My mum had ago at me for finding out the sex and complained I phoned her after the birth Instead of my partner and told her she's here like she's just got off a bus. Then at 28 I had my son. My daughter git anxious around this time and would not speak to 95% of adults and struggled to speak when we were out the house. My parents spent the next 2 years moaning about her. Giving her ultimatums like if you don't speak we won't give you sweets etc. She began talking again when she was 5 and half. She's now 8 and still quiet but alot better. My son turned 3 and he went the other way. Loud. Cheeky. Funny. Energetic. I then watched my parents get fed up with him. Admittedly he can be a nightmare round there. But he's bored. There's nothing to do even if we take a couple of toys. He's aware he gets told off alot and so he went through a stage scowling at them. I often ended up leaving after an hour at family gatherings because of him getting fed up and my dad getting cross. My mum always finds fault in both of them.whatver stage they are in she's commenting. My daughters currently acting like she's 14 and wants jewellery and pretty hair. She's lovely child. But my mum has picked up this and had decided she's a madam now.
Everytime I got round (which is rare now) I get called thick or I end up getting the pee ripped out of me. If my older sisters there my mum attacks me even more. I know she's closer to my sister but my sister also gets mild grief from her amd will bring it up that they keep finding fault with her partner..
I'm back dating an ex my parents didn't approve of last year. He did make mistakes so I completely understand they are not going to be thrilled. I've kept it a secret 10 months and I'm terrified they will find out. I'm now 35 and I very rarely see them with the kids. I took them round once in summer holidays. Partly because the kids might dob me in for my boyfriend. But mainly because it's just not fun for me.
I've realised my sisters talk and see eachother more and I'm not really in the picture now. I avoid family meals and I hate family birthdays now because I can't see the point me attending.
I know my dad loves me and he's commented he only sees me when I go do their cleaning once a week. I am feeling so guilty.
Is this me over reacting? Am I horrible?