Question for people who've thrived after abuse (PTSD))

[Braybz]

Hello,

I'm mid forties and have experienced a number of abusive situations and would really like to help myself and need some advice please.

The first trauma in my life was parental abandonment in my early teens which I think has made relationships (of any kind) hard for me for my whole life.

I married very young (I think due to the parental abandonment) to someone much older who was extremely controlling. He wouldn't let me go out, he wouldn't let me do anything and we divorced after ten awful years.

Then I had several unfulfilled relationships where I think I always held back and kept people at arms length, but where I also think they were just the wrong guy. Actually they were generally as troubled as me in their own ways, and we lived dull, sad little lives.

I finally met "the one" when I was 39.

He was kind, lovely, funny and made me a better version of me. He was emotionally strong and healthy and he loved me for reasons I completely don't understand. He encouraged me to look at some of my issues, he filled me with confidence and calm. I was in love with him. Well really I just thought he was the greatest person I'd ever met, but I couldn't tell him that. If he said he loved me, I'd change the subject.

We had 18 wonderful months together, but something inside me was broken. So I sabotaged things. I kept him at arms length, in the sense that I'd make it difficult to spend time together and I wouldn't engage intimately ememotionally. He was patient, but also got frustrated. And ultimately I ran away. I took a job transfer elsewhere and left.

From there, I got involved with the worst person imaginable. I was still in love with my ex (but couldn't admit that) so I let my guard down.I just wanted company and I was in a new place with nobody. So I told this new guy everything about me. I didn't care about him, he was no risk, so what was the harm?

So I ended up forging a very intense bond with him, which I later learned was formed both because I let my guard down because I perceived no risk, but also because he was an abuser and I was being love-bombed.

He showered me with attention, gifts, compliments. He discovered everything about me and then created a false identity where he pretended to be everything I needed. He just gave validation, love and almost parental caring and while I enjoyed that - it didn't scare me, because I wasn't really even into him. So I thought I had the control.

Over time, he isolated me, groomed me and slowly started bringing in abuse. Angry rages where I'd quickly learn to appease him or else. Public humiliations. And eventually extreme fear and violence.

It happened like boiling a frog. I felt so comfortable and trusting towards him, and his obsessive desire for me felt safe. The rages and violence would always be followed with more gifts and apologies and frankly I felt sorry for him. I believed I was doing this to him because he told me I was.

Eventually one night he attacked me so badly I ended up hospitalised and from there it unravelled. I understood I'd been abused and while it was extremely hard to leave and took almost a year to do, I finally managed it.

A year later, I got back together with my lovely ex. And he is hands down the best thing that ever happened to me. He's everything good in the world, and I've finally been able to let go of my fears and commit. We now live together. I can now tell him I love him every single day (which I regret so much not doing before)

The problem is, I am still not okay, and for both me and my amazing partner I want to get better.

It's obvious I have PTSD. Sleep issues. Angry outbursts. Avoiding thinking about the abuse. Triggers can make me lose the plot. I have also seemingly done something to myself... I can't enjoy anything. Things I used to love, I can't enjoy.

As well as that I developed fibromyalgia and I'm crippled with pain and fatigue. My life has more or less become nothing but pain and its not how I want to live and certainly not how I want my partner to have to live either.

I thought time would heal, but it hasn't.

I want to get better.

I don't feel able right now to get therapy, but would like to make a plan to help myself.

Are there any courses, methods or ways you can recommend that would "get the ball rolling" sobI can start to feel better?

Has anyone ever felt like this and what helped them get better?

Any advice would be really welcome. I am just not yet ready or strong enough to open up about what happened with a therapist. I want to be, but I feel I just need to feel a bit safer first.

It's not what you want to hear, I assume, but I think your first port of call is to seek trauma therapy and/or consider EMDR.

And along with that, making improvements in your health and wellbeing - what do you need to do to take care of yourself and put yourself first? For me that was, firstly, quitting drinking, but it might be something different for you, and caring for my body (exercise, time outdoors, etc.) because so much trauma is felt in the body - as you will well know because of your fibro/chronic pain.

To really examine anything deeply through reading/courses means you need to be able to confront it in yourself and talk openly about it, which is why I think therapy helps. Honestly, I could barely even speak about anything the first time I saw a therapist, like literally could barely form words and say them. That was 3 years ago and I had about 6 months of therapy, and I can very openly and honestly talk with anyone about it now. Talking to someone else and also getting that validation of what I experienced was really important for being able to honestly talk to myself about things. And having that perspective and validation was absolutely essential for healing. Trauma is very good at convincing us to keep silent though, and one thing you may consider is if the voice in your head that is telling you not to speak to anyone and that you aren't ready is a voice that actually has your best interests at heart or if it's just there to keep the status quo (for example, were you told be keep quiet about things? were you told never to speak of family issues outside the family? etc.)

There are opportunities out there for healing through modalities in addition to therapy, but truly I would not consider going there before you talk with a therapist and take their guidance. Because they can cause your trauma to worsen before it gets better if you are not in a good place. I've found them to be very beneficial, but I think you need to take care of yourself first and start small. You may find something like the Freedom programme to be helpful though, even if you are in a relationship you perceive to be healthy at the moment.

That said, I've found that, if you can weed through the rubbish, places like Instagram can be very good for connecting with new ways of thinking about trauma and relationships. You do need to be a savvy consumer and evaluate the information you're being provided. But I've found a lot of support that way.

Have more respect for yourself, don't make your life revolve around men, don't give men more importance than they deserve.