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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help? How do you deal with the emotions?

13 replies

blackvase · 12/09/2023 09:22

I'm separating from my exH. He is abusive. Never hit me but very much walking on egg shells around him.

He's currently not speaking to me. This isn't unusual. This is what he does. He will give me the silent treatment for a few days. Then I'll get a text saying he's ending the marriage. I will agree but then he will start to worm his way back in. It's a cycle. It's always him that turns it into this every single time.

I do not want him back. Yesterday I was ok. Today I feel absolutely on edge. Nervous. Anxiety. Feel sick.

I know I have to ride through this. I know I just need to feel it and not be scared of it.

I'm scared of my future without him even though I don't want him. He makes me miserable. He makes me question absolutely everything. I sit and wonder if things are my fault.

I've had therapy and been told he has narcissistic traits which I agree with. But then he can be absolutely lovely.

He has zero emotional maturity and if I ever let him know that I feel something isn't right between us, he makes me feel absolutely worthless.

As I write this....as I'm typing this....I'm literally thinking I my head 'yeah but it's your fault he makes you feel like that'

I'm not very affectionate towards him anymore. Mostly because he's destroyed me. He's told me I make him feel completely un loved.

OP posts:
Original poster
blackvase · 12/09/2023 09:25

I might not be affectionate with him anymore but I have stood by him through a lot of stuff. I do nice things for him, I think of what he needs or what he could do with. I might not cuddle him or jump on him in bed but I showed him I loved him in different ways.

He is trying to excuse his behaviour because I'm not affectionate even though the pain he has caused me is the reason why.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 12/09/2023 09:30

Read your posts it's still all about him in your mind.

Time it starts being about you.

Personally in your shoes I would revel.in the silent treatment now, this is your future if you stay.

But hey you can't respond or overthink if there is nothing to respond to.

frozendaisy · 12/09/2023 09:31

You don't have to be affectionate anymore. It's over.

You can tell him this next time he starts up.

Just say "enough now it's over it's done"

Original poster
blackvase · 12/09/2023 09:36

frozendaisy · 12/09/2023 09:31

You don't have to be affectionate anymore. It's over.

You can tell him this next time he starts up.

Just say "enough now it's over it's done"

I know but I can't help feeling now that's the reason why he treated me like shit. There is definitely some trauma bonding there

OP posts:
Original poster
blackvase · 12/09/2023 09:39

frozendaisy · 12/09/2023 09:30

Read your posts it's still all about him in your mind.

Time it starts being about you.

Personally in your shoes I would revel.in the silent treatment now, this is your future if you stay.

But hey you can't respond or overthink if there is nothing to respond to.

It's just a wobbly day. I was ok yesterday.

It may not seem like it but I have done so much work on myself including therapy, joining a woman's group where I've done courses on self esteem etc. I'm also booked to do the freedom programme.

We don't really live together in that I left him 2 years ago due to many things. I got my own place which needed a lot of work doing to it. He then felt guilty for how he had treated me and began doing work on my house. He has spent so much time and money on it. We grew close again but the old patterns crept back in.

He now has lost everything - even his home as he decided to move into his mums house. He blames me for this also.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2023 09:50

You have to make a conscious choice to get off this ridiculous merry-go-round. Make an appointment with a solicitor and file for divorce.

Catsafterme · 12/09/2023 12:31

Bear in mind that the cycle, especially narcissistic types, that love and kindness is false. That's the fake high before the low, the cycle you have been trapped in.

I am not far out of mine which I believe is actual narcissism, NPD as it was insanity and is still continuing now post separation. It turns your head inside out and your focus now is to repair your mind and see reality as it is, not this illusion you've been conditioned in believing.

When I fall down and doubt myself, which I still am at times, I have to remember. Remember all the bad, would you treat someone you supposedly love that way? All the nice things you did that was taken for granted, the feeling of walking on egg shells monitoring yourself to keep that false high.

I also read about grounding yourself, which helped me at times. I can't remember exactly off top of my head but five things you can see, touch and hear. I'll go outside in garden and look at nature, ground myself to get out of that thinking pattern of doubt.

Something else recommended to me which helped which was slightly traumatic so take it slow if you do. Write a list going all the way back of the good and the bad times. In my case I found a clear pattern that I hadn't noticed at the time, all the way back from when we first met it was like a map. Needless to say the bad outweighed the good too.

Cut the chord otherwise you will always be tethered and you won't be able to move on.

Original poster
blackvase · 12/09/2023 21:02

Catsafterme · 12/09/2023 12:31

Bear in mind that the cycle, especially narcissistic types, that love and kindness is false. That's the fake high before the low, the cycle you have been trapped in.

I am not far out of mine which I believe is actual narcissism, NPD as it was insanity and is still continuing now post separation. It turns your head inside out and your focus now is to repair your mind and see reality as it is, not this illusion you've been conditioned in believing.

When I fall down and doubt myself, which I still am at times, I have to remember. Remember all the bad, would you treat someone you supposedly love that way? All the nice things you did that was taken for granted, the feeling of walking on egg shells monitoring yourself to keep that false high.

I also read about grounding yourself, which helped me at times. I can't remember exactly off top of my head but five things you can see, touch and hear. I'll go outside in garden and look at nature, ground myself to get out of that thinking pattern of doubt.

Something else recommended to me which helped which was slightly traumatic so take it slow if you do. Write a list going all the way back of the good and the bad times. In my case I found a clear pattern that I hadn't noticed at the time, all the way back from when we first met it was like a map. Needless to say the bad outweighed the good too.

Cut the chord otherwise you will always be tethered and you won't be able to move on.

Thank you. Your words make so much sense.

I feel a lot better this evening and especially after reading your comment so thank you!

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 12/09/2023 21:24

blackvase · 12/09/2023 21:02

Thank you. Your words make so much sense.

I feel a lot better this evening and especially after reading your comment so thank you!

Show quote history

Glad it helped and you're feeling in better spirits :)

AlrightThen · 13/09/2023 08:19

I think you're in this situation because of lack of money and because both of you want your needs to be met from one day to the next.

Original poster
blackvase · 13/09/2023 08:53

I am financially fine thank you. I have my own home all in my name which he doesn't contribute too. Had a holiday abroad this year. Made many home improvements to my house which I paid for and my children don't go with out.

Him not living here now does not make a blind bit of difference to my finances as he never paid for anything anyway. I live quite comfortably on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
blackvase · 13/09/2023 08:53

AlrightThen · 13/09/2023 08:19

I think you're in this situation because of lack of money and because both of you want your needs to be met from one day to the next.

I am financially fine thank you. I have my own home all in my name which he doesn't contribute too. Had a holiday abroad this year. Made many home improvements to my house which I paid for and my children don't go with out.

Him not living here now does not make a blind bit of difference to my finances as he never paid for anything anyway. I live quite comfortably on my own.

OP posts:
AlrightThen · 17/09/2023 14:25

You can't stand being alone, perhaps?

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