Grudge

[jedna13]

I do not even know where to start. English is not my native language, sorry for many grammar mistakes. I am with my husband since I was 15, he is 5 years older than me. I am 45 and we have been married for 25 years plus 5 dating. We have two beautiful kids (17 and 15-year-old).
I am the type of person who does not like conflicts, I do not yell, scream and if you ask anyone who knows me it will tell you how calm, happy and great person I am but that is not true, I scream inside myself and hold grudge forever. I can be also very passive aggressive, cold and emotionally detached.
My husband on the other side is the one who jokes and tell anything without any filters, people loves to be around him, he loves people.
Lately I think I am going through perimenopause and my patient tolerance has changed drastically, for some I started to feel low and sad. there was event that happened 20 years ago, that I never forgive or forget to him but I also never told him how he hurt me and how I felt about it. There is no cheating between us, or any other issues beside his stupid mouth.
Last three months I am moody, angry and very passive aggressive towards him. He is constantly asking me did he do anything wrong, am I upset with him, sometimes I can tell he does not even know how to behave around me. I just do not know how to let it go for my own good. Could therapist help me with this?
I only mention to him once the event that happened 20 years ago and that was 13 years after it happened but now I run that event through my head daily and I am afraid we will get that into our conversations and I will tell him who knows what just to hurt his feelings. I know nothing can change now, and it would just make our life miserable. He knows I hold the grudge against him, but I think he does not want to go there to that conversation. I do not even know what would be my question, I guess how do I learn not to hold grudge?

I think you need to talk to him about whatever it is that’s bothering you. Bottling things up isn’t a healthy way to deal with things.

I’m just like you ! Holding grudges and being angry about stuff that happened years ago. I’d say that you could do with counselling, and then moving towards marriage counselling, as sometimes just saying the things that bother you to someone helps you let go. I could do with that myself, as I know it’s not good to hold it in.

I talked to him about it last night. He said he does not even remember doing it. what happened 20 years ago it`s we were at party, he was checking the one women all night, he comment her boobs in front of our friends and family members, was trying to stand close to her. he never did anything like that ever again. I told him how disappointed I was in him as husband and as a man. He said that he cannot believe that I remember that one stupid thing he did and not remembering all the good once that he did for me, and that he always wanted just to make me happy (which is true, he never go out to drink without me, daily text me kisses, call me every day on his way home from work, he is great father, hard worker, I am in charge of everything in our household, whatever me and kids say we want it he do his best to get it for us). he bagged me to stop being moody and forgive him, and to let our marriage to grow. I will try to talk to someone, sometimes I think maybe I am depressed. I do not want to feel this way and all this started 3-4 months ago.

Although him checking out and commenting on someone’s breasts isn’t good, not telling him how angry you are and holding it inside for such a long time is bizarre.

You said that people see you as calm, happy and great person. Do you feel that you have to act that way? Why?

I was angry at him when that happened and than I forgot about it. I told him I am mad also at myself for not telling him right there how disgusted I was with him. I was happy, calm and great person but last 3-4 months I am emotional wreck. for some reason that started to be on my mind daily and make me sad and angry towards him. He told me he feels I am just looking for reason to be sad and to ruin our relationship, and since I do not have anything against him I am pulling thing that happened 20 years ago. That is why I am trying to figure out are my hormones causing this.

You might benefit from talking to a therapist. And you could be in peri menopause. Things changed for me so much at that time in my life. I was more anxious and also had zero tolerance for anything!

my DH would say “but that never bothered you before” and my response was whatever it was always bothered me, but I had more tolerance.

I wasn’t a long term grudge holder though.

If you married when you were 15, it would make sense to me.

Now imagine how I would hurt your feelings all the time if I was your husband.

I was 20 when I got married, dated him since I was 15.

Well if he did that any other time he would be divorced from me, no one can hurt my feelings all the time.

I think you need to get yourself down to the doctor to see if you can get help with the perimenopause and get on a waiting list for counselling/MH support. If you can afford it, go private. It seems like you're having intrusive thoughts and obsessing.

20 years on, you really need to let this one go.

I agree with @category12 and it could be hormonal with menopause likely coming up soon.

category12 I already contact counselor and today I got the phone number, I am going to call them to schedule my app, I do feel that I need to talk to someone. I do not want to hurt my husband feelings, (I think I already did, whenever I talked to him about it couple days ago, because I talked with anger and hate like that just happened, I just could not control). He keeps talking and acting like nothing happened but I can tell he has been hurt.

Dacadactyl it could be, I definitely feel all kind of changes in me, mostly mental. also I can tell I became jealous which is new to me as well. I am more needy for him, his touch, hug, kiss, sex (which is not bad), just feels like someone new lives inside my body

Definitely see a GP - and tell them about your mood swings, emotionality and depression.

A few friends really struggles with that in peri - and it had to get worse before they asked for help.
Don’t wait - and insist on help. GPs often dismiss women in peri.

I had my blood work (yearly one) and thyroid blood work done 3 weeks ago and all came back normal. My dads side of family have thyroid issue and I wanted to make sure that is not my issue as well. My doctor said he thinks I am going through peri but since that is hard to confirm via blood work (our hormones change daily) and I still have a regular period he was kind of if I want to see my gyno and they can put me on HRT. He does not recommend that since my mom had a breast cancer and my had a stroke. I hope talking to someone can help me. I hate being like this.

that’s tough and likely HRT isn’t for you. (Confirm with gyno!)
I know there are alternative solutions - maybe someone on here can share non hormonal peri management suggestions 🤞