Stuck in a good relationship with no future (or present)

[Almalexia]

I met her online. We are now 4 years together, in a long distance relationship and I see no future. I met her when i was in the university. My city is 1,5 hours away by car, not a big deal, of course, but still it is an issue.

The more time passes, the more clingy, needy and dreamy of living together, marriage and kids she becomes. Nothing bothers me from all that. This relationship is built very well. I never pressure her, get jealous, restrict her or anything. I trust her and she trust me. Sex is awesome too.

You see. This long distance thing is an issue. I never done it before and I really wished I never did. Long distance relationships sucks and my advice is to never do it. You keep distance for a reason and for a specific time, not like this. In every payment I keep money for diesel, for the trip, and every time I rent airbnbs so we could be alone. Plus, I pay for everything we get, food, coffee, entertainment as she is unemployed.

Beyond that, as I said, there are some other issues too. She is 31 and she has never worked in her life. Her parents are divorced, her father is a loser and her mother, 60yo, works to feed her unemployed daughter and brother. She didnt finish high school either.

It was just the last year when I really talk to her into getting back and finishing school. I even tried to find with her what she would like to learn and work on. She decided she wanted to become a nail technician, which I fully supported. I even found some free schools in her city where she can go and study it. Those ask for a high school degree, ofcourse. She now needs two years to finish the high school.

I created her a CV, put some silly lies in it, some fake work experience in some easy jobs so she can start looking. She never get calls though. She doesnt have any skills. So, no luck there too.

Its just 1,5 years since I finally "woke up". I felt really bad with my self, so I started working on myself. Since I graduated uni, finished my military service, started hitting the gym, learning a second foreign language, took a IT certificate, working in a factory, reading for bus and truck license, started reading lots of books, generally doing stuff to become better.
Not gonna lie, I wished I had a girl from hometown so I could grab her and take her for a walk, or chill together whenever we have time, everyday. Not waiting for the weekends or any other weekends and spend money which I wont really enjoy, you know

Under those conditions, she cant move to my city or me move to hers. The expenses will be huge. And to be honest, its not worth it. The relationship is great. But practically I dont see it working and I dont know what to do...

You say the relationship is great but you really don't sound happy.

It already isn't working. Long distance only works when it's temporary. If it's not possible to move closer together then it simply isn't a sustainable relationship.

Sadly, long distance relationships are doomed to fail eventually, unless frequent contact is maintained. It is difficult to have a relationship half way across London, let alone 5 hours away.

The long distance thing isn't even the main issue here. She is a fully grown adult living off her mother and you. She's not being responsible, doesn't seem to show any willingness to better herself or be productive. If you were living together it would be even worse, she wouldn't be contributing financially and the burden would be 100% on you. Not the way for a happy relationship. Don't waste your best years on this person, it sounds doomed one way or the other!

I read it as 1.5 hours away, not 5.

1.5 hours isn't what is class as a long distance relationship... It's a pain distance-wise, but it's workable and something you can readily incorporate into your daily lives.... you can go there after work, spend the night. and drive to work the next day, without it being much of an issue.

However, if things are as good as you say they are, and you've been together 4 years, why don't you work out a plan to move in together?

@harerunner appologies, I make you right. 1.5 hours away is workable, if you really want too. Mind you, some people I know object to even that.

Why do you think the relationship is great when so few of your needs are met? Do you think it's great in some way that's not to do with how you feel?

Sounds like you don't respect her.

Also not seeing the "stuck" part. Do you live in a free country?

What exactly is great about this relationship?

OP do you feel guilty at the thought of ending this? As I can't see any other reason why you wouldn't break up with her.
You're not even remotely compatible. You keep trying to "improve" her life. But she doesn't want that. She doesn't have the same kind of drive and enthusiasm as you. She's stuck and has no motivation and, which is fine if that works for her.
But you're never going to be happy in this relationship and I think you need to be really honest with yourself about that.
You don't respect her. And I don't blame you tbh. End it and find a woman who shares your values.A relationship with a "girl from hometown" is not an unreasonable thing to want.
Someone you don't feel a need to "work on". Your current girlfriend is not going to suddenly change.

I'm a woman and if a man, no matter how charming and kind, expected me to take care of him and bankroll his life because he couldn't get a job I'd be out the door. She's not even trying. It's destined to fail because if she was serious she would have got her act together and found a way to get a job and make enough money to move to be closer. I had a similar distance between my house and my partners house and I moved closer bore making the leap to move in together. She's expecting you to provide a house and anything else she needs. You will be picking up where her mum left off. Do you want to be responsible for another person forever? How will you break up with her when she's financially dependent on you instead of her mother? Find somebody else this isn't worth the burden or headache. She isn't bringing anything to the table at all.

You're not compatible.

Not sure what country you're in - it sounds like she wants to be a SAHM and look after the house and try for children whilst you take care of the bills?

She may actually meet someone who wants this too. They can have a great life.

You want someone working and studying like you, and you are both bringing money in. You can also have a great life.

Let her go, and you can both meet someone new. It sounds more like early dating, which is fine but maybe you both need to move on.

"Sounds like you don't respect her."
If I didn't respect her, I wouldn't try to help her improve her life. I would just have fun and didn't care like her exes.

"Also not seeing the "stuck" part. Do you live in a free country?"
We live in Greece, EU.

"What exactly is great about this relationship?"
Communication, trust, emotional connection, sex.

"do you feel guilty at the thought of ending this?"
I think yes. I gave a lot of stuff for this relationship and I am proud of it, but cant see any future at this point. Most relationships end because of a third person, or not in love anymore, not in us though.

"You want someone working and studying like you"
When I said to her that I wanted to do a couple of stuff for myself, improve myself, and when I told her it was time for her to do some things for herself too, she said that I wanted to find the perfect girlfriend, the beautiful, working, with hobbies, which is impossible. I denied that. I never asked to date a Vice President of a company. Just a girl doing her things and having a steady life. She also wanted me to keep my money to move to her rather than "invest" them on myself.

Communication, trust, emotional connection
are you talking about the same relationship where she thinks you’re getting married and having kids and you see no future and that it’s not worth her even moving to your city?

it’s fine to break up, you’re right she should be working or studying or soomething
don’t string her along though

If I didn't respect her, I wouldn't try to help her improve her life. I would just have fun and didn't care like her exes

But you're helping her improve her life in a way that you think is better, not in a way that she was trying to do herself, and couldn't fund, or couldn't do for some other reason. Did she actually ask you to make the cv, or research and pay for her course? Or did you decide that those things would be good for her, then try to get her on board?

OP you are stringing her along and being controlling - you can't force her to be someone she is not.

It sounds like you like the good parts of the relationship (I assume she's easy to get on with, and there's not much pressure on your dates, and you're physically attracted to her) but want her to change.

If she hasn't got a job or studied by 31 she has no motivation to. You can't "force" her. She's not your child.

If she's happy being a home person and having a small local life with her family and has never done extra, then making her move and change sounds like it would be a total disaster.

Maybe she'll stay single, maybe she'll meet a local man who wants the same set-up as her and wants a wife who stays at home.

I assume you're a similar age so plenty of time for both of you to move on.

It sounds like you're scared of breaking up and having to meet someone new, so trying to change her.

Or you like her being all clingy and dreamy and submissive and the "awesome sex".

But if she hasn't worked in all your relationship (4 years!) then why would she change now just to suit you? Neither of you are going to be happy if you stay together.

She asked me to make her a CV because she didn't know how. She never searched for any schools in her area where she could study anything for free. I just threw the ideas and she wanted me to help her with all that. I never pressure her. Just asked her what she thinks she will do with her life, because she and her family are not the kind of people who make plans for the future, just living the day and that's it. She never realized her mother, one day, would pass and she will leave with nothing.

It sounds like you like the good parts of the relationship
Yes, that's the hard part in all that.

Maybe she'll stay single, maybe she'll meet a local man
We have discussed that, more because of the long-distance situation. She says she is tired of relationships and I am the last attempt. If it will not succeed with me, then she is done. Well, those are big words, you never know who will you meet, but as I see her she has no interest in that anymore. But yes, never say never.

I assume you're a similar age
I'm 26.

It sounds like you're scared of breaking up and having to meet someone new, so trying to change her.
Not scared of breaking up, more like I don't want to lose the good parts of the relationship, which I believe I may never find again. Scared of having to meet someone new? Maybe yes. But I'm not trying to change some stuff for me, but her wellbeing as well as so we could be able to have a future. I cant marry or have kids totally funding them on my own. She cant have no friends and stay home playing video games all day and then complain that her back and neck hurt. You will say, if she is happy with that, then its done. Yes, I never pressure, I just talk.

why would she change now?
Years after, she started high school again and she wants to be a nail technician. Thats a progress not just for the relationship, but for her. If she continues like that, and that distance get away, then we can talk about a future. Thats at least three, four years from now, which sounds too much anymore, and I really don't know if I want to spend any more time. Why I didn't help her earlier? I couldn't even help myself back then. Its just 1,5 years when I finally decided what to do and do stuff for myself, get mature and grow up, finally.