Accepting/admititng relationship is abusive

[namechange23911]

I've been seeing a counsellor and spoken to a local DV charity about my marriage and some things that have happened and they've both said that the relationship is abusive and that I should be making plans to leave. But I'm really struggling to accept that the relationship as a whole is abusive, even though I can see how some of the acts of things he has done themselves are abusive. We're very happy and have a lovely relationship outwardly, and in private we have too as well to be fair, or it feels that way most of the time. I wish that I wanted to leave but I seem to be really struggling to come to terms with it and unable to accept that the relationship as a whole actually is abusive, or abusive "enough" for me to leave.

Has anyone else felt like this and been able to find a way to move forward or accept it? I'm really struggling.

It is a hard thing to accept, but in lots of abusive relationships there are good bits or no one would ever stay. If someone who is meant to love you, is acting in an abusive way, even a small fraction of the time, then it is an abusive relationship, because the rest of the time, even when everything is good, you are likely to be modifying your behaviour, to avoid provoking more abuse.

Hi op
Yes been there , really just wanted to close my eyes and hang on because I loved him

But in the end , I was stood in the kitchen one day , another row, another day of insults and gas lighting
And I just thought "if I were on my own could I be any more miserable than I am now,,,?

I left that day.

And then all my colleagues, all: my friends came out and said thank god you seen the light because he treated you like shit

And it was really hard , because deep down I knew but I kept thinking something might just magically change ,and I absolutely adored him
He treated me with absolute contempt, eye rolling in company if I spoke , seemed embarrassed to be seen with me, snapped at me and shut me down every time I opened my mouth. If I said up he went down
If I said black he said white .
I went for a job , my dream job, involving horses and I'd have learned to ride and been paid for it, he said horse riding was cruel and how could I even think about it
Then a second vacancy came up. He applied .
Life was just constant head fuckery and I couldn't ever work out the rules.

It's an extremely difficult thing to come to terms with. It can take months, even years. It's incredibly hard to walk away when you still love them and want it to work but sometimes, love just isn't enough. For your own dignity, self esteem, self worth etc, you do have to leave though. I'm so sorry. It's absolutely shite and hurts like hell. Get counselling if you can afford it and read all you can on abuse, the cycle of abuse, gaslighting, stonewalling, narcissism, breadcrumbing. It's painful to read this stuff but it really helps to chrystalise your thoughts.

@omgsally I am having counselling at the minute, but I feel like I've got to a point where I've gone through everything, I accept that some of the things he's done are abusive but I still can't see the relationship as a whole as being.

I've been doing all kinds of reading (Lundy Bancroft book, the tea video, WA forums, WA live chat, articles and blog posts and social media) and sometimes I'm like yes, omg this is awful and I need to get away. And others, it seems like it's not that bad and I'm just hanging on to these few instances when I should forgive and forget and move on.

It's like it's too bad to stay married but not bad enough to leave him.

The whole relationship is unlikely to have been completely abusive. Abusive men are perfectly capable of being nice, kind, funny, charming. You are cycling through a very typical set of emotions. Leaving is hard. There can be huge regrets. Was it that bad, did I try hard enough etc. What is he doing to try and make your relationship work? Don't answer unless you want to but what kind of abuse is it? Physical, emotional?

@omgsally it's a bit of everything sadly. Not really physical to be fair more the threat of it. But there have been occasions of it over the relationship. I know it's not right, I know it. Yet I'm still questioning myself if it's bad enough. Something happens about 2-5 times a year I would say. And it's not increasing, if anything it's lessening a bit because I am better with boundaries etc since having some counselling and learning some things. I think I also know how to avoid things better now too, like when to back down in an argument so it doesn't escalate.

That last part says it all really.

He's trained you to be a good girl and to do as you are told and hey presto, he isn't nasty to you quite so much.

You have adapted your behaviour to try and prevent his abuse of you. Can you really not see what that means?

Would you want your best friend to stay in a relationship like this?

Be your best friend.