Unproductive when in company

[WorkworkworkworkworkTips]

Does anybody else suffer from the same phenomenon- when I'm around my partner I'm so unproductive, dig my heels around admin tasks and generally don't know what to do with myself.

When he goes away for a few days I'm flying through admin tasks, socialising, housework etc and get so much done.

It's not that he's unproductive, quite the opposite. It's almost just having another adult human around me disables me.

I had this at uni too where I always got fomo and couldn't work when there were people outside my room socialising, they all learned to carve out their own time to study whereas I spent all my time socialising and subsequently didn't do very well

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I have something similar to this too, I cannot think straight when I am around other people at home. I am a serious introvert and need time alone to process my thoughts, decide what needs to be done and then I can act. I get muddled around other people when they are talking and pushing their agenda, their needs etc. I need space/alone time to get things done. At uni , same, I ended up shutting myself away in the library in the final years to actually get work done!
Not sure if that resonates but sending my support to you!

Yes, 100%. DH hates his office and since Covid wfh as much as possible. I feel completely drained and like I'm always waiting for him to leave so I can 1) get stuff done and 2) relax.

We usually love each other's company and he's an excellent partner, works long hours and we used to get little time together. Now it's constant togetherness.

He tries to help around the house so I can't even do a task from start to finish without him doing part (never all) of it.

Like PP I'm an introvert and need to be alone with my thoughts some of the time. Pre Covid I enjoyed long days alone.

I can't tell you what a relief it is to read this, thank you! This is exactly it, I'd class myself as an extrovert but when it comes to doing the important stuff I get so muddled around my partner when he's trying to get his stuff done. And it causes me so much anxiety when I'm doing something I'd planned (including relaxing) but he wants me to organise something or sit down and do something else admin wise there and then.

@smokingcarriageonly Long days alone sound like bliss!

OP are you particularly empathic? This can make you absorb others energy and attend to others needs above your own. Good to be aware of as it may be driving your behaviour toward helping with his responsibilities and sidelining your own.

Yes, very much so @Merano. A result of growing up with a father whose up and down moods dictated the mood of the whole household, and walking on eggshells when he was stressed.

That's a very helpful insight, thank you

I am 100% the same.

I’ve tried to overcome it, and even pretend my OH isn’t at home sometimes to try to get myself into that productive/independent headspace. It doesn’t work!

I don’t know how to get around it. I love him, we enjoy being together, but I am somehow calmer and more focused when I'm the only adult at home. Pp might be onto something with the empath theory - I think I am one.

This could have been written by me and I have never met anyone who would have said this or perhaps more likely I would never have thought to say myself. I have pondered on this for quite a while now and still I'm no clearer understanding why I find it difficult just that it's a real struggle. Watching this thread closely hoping for some answers!

@WorkworkworkworkworkTips Sorry to hear it was difficult with your dad. Similar story here where there was a lot of drama going on at home growing up and I was always praised for being the “good” child. Meaning I stayed quiet rather than rebelling (as my sisters did) but didn’t attend to or acknowledge my own needs as a consequence. It seems to play out still as an adult; automatically being helpful and amenable. Even though I am aware of it now! How to resolve it is still something I am working on.
Interestingly at work I am not like this, I own my business and lead and direct very naturally. Perhaps it is different when in a domestic environment - it is as if a different role is being played. Any solutions very welcome!

This is shocking to read, I get this too but never realised it. It's like when another adult is in the house, I'm on standby waiting/expecting to need to do something. Only when I'm alone can my brain get into its flow and I just smash things off the to do list. It's worse the more people there are. When we have visitors I can barely sit down.

Wow - I'm exactly the same! And I can't think of anything about my upbringing that might have caused it.

Me too, this is so helpful

Yyes! I’m like this, its like i’m “on call”. I go to sleep so early when dh is around but when he’d away i’m up pottering about until late without feeling tired. So weird, glad i’m not alone.

Merano yes, halcyon days.

OP, my dad was similar.

I had a good chat to my OH last night, the responses in this thread have been really useful in trying to articulate what I mean.

We've come up with some things we are going to try. It feels really strange typing them out because they seem so basic and straight forward, but hoping some micro changes help (and potentially help others in the same situation!).

• He'll give me at least a few hours advanced warning if there's something big he wants to sit down and organise (such as a holiday) rather than springing it on me when I'm in the middle of something
• We will spend more time in separate rooms in an evening. We currently spend every night together in the living room and I never even think to go off and do my own thing
• We will keep a big joint to do list so we know what's going on in each other's heads
• He'll take our kids out more often and leave me at home alone to get things done
• Socially, I will stop putting off organising stuff with other people in case we want to do things together as a family when it comes to the weekend, and just get it booked in.
• He will not ask me anything admin or organisation related when we've gone to bed and we are unwinding, he can carry on sorting/buying/planning but my input will be the next day.

If anybody else has any tips I'm all ears x

I get this with housework. If he goes away for a couple of days the house is spotless when he comes home. It's not that I've spent the entire time cleaning, it's just that I spend a couple of hours cleaning with a podcast in the background.

If the two of us are home together we're more likely to be slobbing around in front of the tv or cooking. I only spend more than 5 minutes cleaning if he's also cleaning.

I'm the same. I spend a lot of time alone to get stuff done. It's really difficult!

I used to find it hard to get exercising done with DH hovering about. Now I use a treadmill and he can hear that I am busy on it and leaves me alone.

If wish I had some tips!

With this post in mind we had a chat last night, not with any solid answers but just to share what was bothering me.

Because we used to spend so little time together, I got used to prioritising him when he was home, and I've become passive and defer to him. He's very amenable in general so it's easy to just go along with him, but now he's home so much and 'helping' I don't understand how to adjust my own way of operating.

Sometimes I think we almost get on too well, it can be difficult to draw boundaries.

OP I understand the thing about being ambushed when you're busy or deep in thought, my focus disintegrates. Menopause doesn't help.

Placemarking because I could have written this, all if it

I would recommend getting some decent noise cancelling headphones - maybe over ear ones or in ear ones - and finding a good podcast or some suitable music (relaxing or upbeat) that inspires you. It almost cuts you off from the world and helps you focus when you need to do tasks!

That's good you've had a chat. It sounds like the set up is that you're always available to him whenever he wants your attention, but this paralyses you as you never know when you will be interrupted? My ex couldn't do anything without involving me in it, it was awful. If he asks you stuff that isn't convenient and can wait, tell him no. Set your boundaries.

Yes! This is very relatable! I actually like my husband being away for the odd night at work. Not because I don't enjoy his company but just because I get more stuff done!!

Could have written this myself. My DP works away and then is home for quite long periods. As much as I love him being here, I feel life is almost on hold until he goes back. I get nothing done. Have zero motivation. Whilst he's away..proactive!!
It's so bizarre as there's no rational reason for it to be this way.