Can a trauma bond actually do this?

[Lisacuddy]

I've been trying to understand this and Google has turned up "trauma bonds".

This relates to a situation that was over a year ago but which still makes me ill - PTSD and other problems.

I'm usually a bit allergic to psycho babble so I wanted to ask real people, maybe with lived experience... can a trauma bond make you do and feel these things?

Form very strong attachment to the abuser, not romantically, but almost like a complete dependency?

To want to get away from the abuser / make it stop but also to miss the abuser to a point of obsession?

Struggle with seeing the abuser as an abuser even when the abuse is cut and dried and other people might get hurt?

Feel a desperate need for attention and approval from the abuser even if they're ruining your life?

Be loyal to and defend the abuser, even while their abuse had spilled over into abusing your family too?

To grieve losing the abuser, even if you weren't in love with them and realise they did terrible things?

I am really struggling with understanding this and have buried it away, bbut can a trauma bond actually make you act like this? Even if it's incredibly destructive?

If so, why?

I wasn't in love with the abuser, but had an almost addiction that made me blow up my life and wellbeing and just can't understand it.

@pickledandpuzzled

I'm sitting here in floods of tears because the things you're saying are providing logic to some actions I've been ashamed of for a long time.

How could you know you were safe if he wasn't pleased with you? If you weren't pleasing him?

I remember very clearly people shouting at me because I wouldn't block him on socials. While he was stalking me and my family. And people were so angry with me, but the idea if blocking him or him being out of sight felt terrifying.

You know he's out there. You can no longer buy his restraint by grovelling and appeasing him. How terrifying

Another thing I felt incredibly ashamed of is that after several months of stalking and threats, I replied to his emails. I sent him loving ones, telling him we'd been amazing friends, that he was a wonderful man, that he was great. I betrayed my loved ones in the letter. I tool his side. I told him I was miserable that I couldn't see him anymore.

The honest truth is I don't know why.

I knew he was dangerous and awful but couldn't really acknowledge it. I knew it was putting loved ones in danger. I don't think those things now and when I read it, it's like another person wrote it

I'm so sorry for all you suffered. I'm glad my analogy helps you make sense of it.

You haven't deliberately done anything wrong or illogical. You have just done everything you can to survive and protect yourself. From a completely unpredictable, unavoidable danger that can't be contained by 'logical' or 'rational' thinking.

What he did to you wasn't consistent, logical or rational. That was its power. You couldn't protect yourself in the usual ways.

Think about looking both ways before you cross the road. It's a great strategy- as long as cars stay where they are supposed to be. In your world, cars drove off the road straight at you or fell from the sky.

You need to look at it that with abusers but especially the narcissistic types, you are part of a game without realizing it and a game that has no defined rules. They make the rules, it's rigged for your failure, that's the aim.

Just like you, early on I reached out and tried to fix everything because the person I am, l like to work as things. I tried to go back in my peak of confusion and despair. Now they've used those attempts against me in part of their post separation abuse.

However, when I looked closer, with context and the full story and not just those cherry picked examples used as weapons, I was being manipulated leading up to that point and that's what I had as my counter.

There is no rhyme nor reason to these people, they twist, lie and cheat in any way they can for their own gain. However, they are incredibly lazy and sloppy in their execution and in order for them to succeed, you need to be broken, too broken to notice the massive flaws in the narrative.

I was groomed and abused as a teenager, and much of what you're saying OP rings bells loud and clear. Thirty odd years after the grooming, I still look back and don't understand what was going on.

In a way, I still blame that teenager for not running away, and also for continually going back to the relationship even when I knew he was awful and had gone on to abuse any of my friends he could get access to. It was a therapist who pointed out to me that this is the nature of predators - you cannot just walk away from them because they follow you. Predators will not let you go.

I didn't have an abusive childhood, more a slightly neglectful one in terms of my emotional development, and it was this need he saw and exploited. He always made me feel as if I was the centre of his world, even as I became aware of all the other girls he was involved with. Even now I still can't reconcile that.

The whole situation was not of your doing - you may as well blame a fly for not being able to escape a spider's web, when the web has evolved to be invisible to the fly, located in mid air where the fly spends most of it's time and sticky as hell. A fly becoming entangled and unable to escape is not it's fault, it's just bad luck- wrong place, wrong time.

All this to say it's not your fault, please don't blame yourself. Congratulate yourself on having the good sense and resourcefulness to finally escape.

Huge thanks as well to @pickledandpuzzled and @Watchkeys for their insightful comments, which have been very helpful to me.

This is fantastic advice. When you have an abusive childhood, there are feelings which never fade. Those feelings are like strings which can be picked up by another abuser.

If you start to work through your childhood op, you can loose those strings and your vulnerability to being used as a puppet again.

I would say that was textbook. Mine was a romantic attachment, but nevertheless everything you mention was true and my experience. Nothing but cutting them off totally and time (and therapy!) helped.

@Speedweed I am so sorry you dealt with similar when so young. As a fully formed adult this was so hard so please don't ever blame yourself

I never had any need to understand him it's myself I needed to understand. My job is, I suppose to protect myself and loved ones and if I can't understand why I didn't, I can't be someone I can trust.

Thus thread has been so helpful. I was puking this morning and now I feel calm.

Yea this is exactly what a trauma bond is imagine being treated like shit until the pain becomes unbareable then made to feel better maybe by being shown care and affection you then feel emotional / physical relief starts a release of dopamine this happens repeatedly so when hurt / rejected once again you want to feel ok. That’s very basically it in a nutshell but childhood, self esteem experiences all play a part.

I think there's also something about them taking the best of you and using it against you, or breaking it.

Perhaps they take what makes you 'you', or what makes you special, and destroy or twist it- I don't know whether they hate that good thing, or envy it. They don't want you to have any joy or peace in it though.

100% yes. I'm still living with a trauma bond that destroyed my life as I knew it, has left me single and lonely and devastated so many of my other relationships.

I've done freedom programme. Twice. I realise I'm "addicted" and it's a trauma bond. I get so close to walking away and something stops me.

Huge sympathy.

@pickledandpuzzled You're ringing bells 🔔 again x

You need to talk this through with a therapist op - they will be better qualified than all the kind and not so kind unqualified opinions on here

You can give this person a sincere heart felt apology maybe in a letter- even if they don't feel able to forgive you or move on straight away it will help your own heart heal a little

I understand the need to find logic in all this to help you make sense out of it but your abuser was applying a warped logic on you so, to some extent, it might never make sense.

What does come across through your messages is someone who is strong ( even if you don’t feel it) and working towards a positive outcome whilst being honest with them self. For that alone, I admire you.

I haven’t rtwt, but yes, trauma bonding can absolutely do all of this.
in evolutionary psychology, our emotions, values, responses etc have all evolved to keep us safe. So, if you unconsciously perceive someone to be a very powerful threat, your best bet for survival is usually to be alongside them and not in opposition.
your emotions and beliefs will align with this position, to keep you safe.
often, your more ‘updated’ brain will kick in after some time and your reasoning will question this position.
or, you may unconsciously perceive that your strategy isn’t working and on balance you may have a better chance of survival by escaping.
so much of this happens out of our awareness.
hth

I’m glad there are no children involved.

I wish you all the best in your healing, @Lisacuddy . I know you said you’re not enthusiastic about therapy, but it does sound like there’s a lot here that a decent therapist would help you understand.

If you see a therapist be sure it is one who understands trauma and abuse - if they deal with domestic violence they should be able to help, and you can get recommendations from a domestic violence service.

There's a decent yet simple explanation of the biology here:
https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/

This thread has been incredibly helpful. Honestly, it's contained so many viewpoints I'd never thought of, as well as so much reassurance that I'm not a complete loon. Thank you.

The problem is that most people don't understand because they haven't been through it.

So when you try to explain, you do feel like you're a loon. You're not though, and that I think is what those types aim is, oh look at the loon. Wherein reality they are the insane ones.

This thread has come up again at a time when I've really needed it.

I'm still in the thick of it but know deep down I need to walk away for so many reasons.

😞

Needed this also .. thank you

This. It's taken me two years out of my marriage to realise it really wasn't me.