Do I try and leave again

[Redlightning89]

Hi,

I’ve always lurked on message boards picking up bits of second hand advice to get me through but I’m finally biting the bullet and telling my story to see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

I have been with DH since I was 17, I’m 34 now. He was at uni when we first got together and we shared interests, had the same creative spark, and a similar sense of humour.

He finished uni and we moved in together, I was 19 which now feels eye-wateringly young but was ready to move out of my parents’ and be all grown up.

He’s really close with his family which meant that as a people pleaser I was really keen to impress them, and unfortunately this set the tone for my relationship with them since.

We’re now married with 2 DDs and the dynamic of our relationship has completely changed. He’s allowed himself to coast from job to job while my career has gone from strength to strength, we no longer share the same passions, we barely have anything in common, all the usual “grow up and grow apart” stuff.

The biggest issue however is what I thought was “closeness” with his family is some kind of codependency. He has one older sister and she and her husband rule the family, everything falls in line with them, and they hate me. I couldn’t be more different from them, we’re just chalk and cheese, and as much as I’ve tried to fit in with them over the years all it’s done is affect my health because it feels fake to me.

DH and I have separated twice before, once during COVID like so many people, and once at the beginning of this year. We got back together this time on two conditions - one, that he sought more support for his diagnosed but untreated ADHD which makes him prone to unreasonable anger, usually aimed at DDs (never violent but lots of shouting over minor issues) and two, that he set firm boundaries with his family.

Yesterday his BIL took his phone and went through our WhatsApp chat until he found a message about his wife (DH’s sister) that he didn’t like, and decided to call DH out on it rather than accept your should not go through people’s phones. It’s not the first time, they tried to hack my social media accounts through my DDs iPad when we were separated too.

This is completely out of line but DH will not do anything about it. It feels like he’s choosing his family over me, essentially saying “it’s just how they are, you have to get over it.”

I can’t put up with it anymore but his family’s unreasonable behaviour escalates so much when I’ve tried to leave before it ends up being one of the main factors in us getting back together, not, I’m sad to say, because I want to be with him. It’s just easier.

I’ve come to a “the only way out is through” mentality, I’ve just got to put up with it until the DDs are old enough that we don’t need to mix as much and they won’t have as much influence over DDs which is another huge concern.

But I don’t want to wish my life away until I’m free.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

If you stay and your mental health continues to deteriorate who will end up looking after your kids?
Will his family encourage him to try and use this against you to further crush your poor mental health?
Be strong, you definitely can (& should imo) get away from these awful people. Your poor girls being verbally abused would be enough without all the other whatthefuckery!!!
Contact womens aid.
Try the Freedom Programme.
I'm sure lots of lovely MNs will be along to add support.

Thank you so much ❤️

I do have an update which is that DH did actually try and stand up to them over BIL reading our messages, BIL doubled down on his lies about how he ended up reading them and has now told SIL who said we “need to take responsibility for what we did” which as far as I can make out was to have a private conversation. DH wants me to apologise to keep the peace but I’ve done it for years and I won’t do it anymore, I’m not sorry for a silly comment in a private conversation that shouldn’t have been read.

You tell them you are indeed very sorry. Sorry they are in your life. Then make plans to leave. This is all on your dh.

Your DH may not be physically violent, but verbal abuse is abuse just the same.

Make plans to leave and take your dc with you. Don't tell your DH in advance, because he seems incapable of keeping proper boundaries with his family. And why your in-laws had any input into when you've previously split up, I don't know. It is literally none of their effin' business.

You had two conditions for getting back together again, the first was about treatment for his ADHD. Has this happened, have the outbursts of shouting at your children over minor issues stopped?

I have to say, I'm not sure why you've put your children through two separations and two reconciliations. You know you can't sustain the current situation long term, so the best thing for them would be for you to separate one final time and actually stick at it.

Why do you have to have contact with his family when you're separated?

I can’t put up with it anymore but his family’s unreasonable behaviour escalates so much when I’ve tried to leave before it ends up being one of the main factors in us getting back together, not, I’m sad to say, because I want to be with him. It’s just easier.

Perhaps you need to consider involving solicitors or the police instead if their behaviour is that invasive that you felt it was easier to get back with him than follow through on the separation? There are also various options, like moving elsewhere, blocking contact with all of them, etc.

Seems a waste of your life to be with a man you don't want to be with, who is not living up to his promises, because you're scared of his family. I mean, staying keeps them in your life far longer.

Your DH is abusing his daughters and his family are abusing you into staying with him and doing as they wish. I would be surprised if he isn’t abusing you in an emotional and/or mental way.

leave and stay gone. Get police and courts involved if need be for harassment and injunction’s etc.

@Redlightning89

Personally I'd be gone. The combo of his temper/behaviour issues and his family would be too much for me to deal with and remain 'who I am'.

I’ve just got to put up with it until the DDs are old enough that we don’t need to mix as much and they won’t have as much influence over DDs which is another huge concern.

Can you explain this a bit? Why do you 'need to mix as much' as you currently do? What influence do you think they are having over DDs and how does it happen? Why do you feel as if you have no control over either of those things right now?

If your DH kowtows to them then what do you think will change simply because DDs are older? Sounds as if they'll still be running the show and your DH will still kowtow whether they're 2 or 22. And if you really think they 'influence' DDs in a negative way, that's a reason to leave sooner rather than later.

As I said above, I'd be gone now. But if you want to 'save' your marriage the first thing I'd do would be to insist your DH get into counseling. Then I'd put as much physical distance between your little family and his DSis & BiL as I could. I'd be looking to move far enough away to make their visits few and far between. Where is your wider family in all this? Can you ask for their support in leaving him?

You need to make plans to leave, and to physically move away from all of these dysfunctional people.

How old are your children?

Can you explain this a bit? Why do you 'need to mix as much' as you currently do? What influence do you think they are having over DDs and how does it happen? Why do you feel as if you have no control over either of those things right now?

I think I was thinking that as the children grow older, they’ll be able to see things as they are for themselves, SIL and BIL’s kids have everything they want when they want, no structure etc, which is paradise to my girls! So they think SIL and BIL are great and don’t see everything else (which I wouldn’t want them to anyway). They are very different people in terms of politics and ethically, they have views I don’t agree with and I don’t want them to be passed on to my children, at least if I’m around I can act as a buffer and put a stop to it but on both occasions when DH and I have been separated before he spent all the time he had with DDs around his family and it always took a lot to unpick the behaviours they’d picked up in the time they’d been there.

Also I think I was anticipating as the kids get older they’re going to be off doing their own think, there will be less “obligated family time” the way there is now.

Does that make sense?

My family and friends have been great throughout, they all fully support me wanting to distance myself from them and even leave him.

You should leave for good rather than continue putting your dc through this instability of an on-off relationship, it won't be doing them any good even if they appear to be coping now

Thanks for all the responses.

I think it’s probably naïveté on my part that I’ve come back both times. On both occasions we were separated for around 2 months so I guess I hit a wall and because it’s easier to wear me down at that point he’s been able to talk me round. I know the emotional toll on the dc which is why I’m so anxious to do it again.

He is an HGV driver and I would have to see his family (namely his mum, not so much his sister although she would contact and harass my family members to check up on me) as they helped with childcare when we were both working and he worked early mornings so I would drop dc off.

Regarding his ADHD he went to the GP (I literally took him) and she said he needed counselling before he could get meds. He did CBT for a few weeks then decided he was fine. I’ve been trying to get him to go back again since then.

So he hasn't followed through on either promise. No big surprise there.

I think you would need to find alternative childcare, at least for the days when the DC are with you.

I wouldn't apologise for a smart arse reading a private conversation of me and my husband.

I wouldn't bend my knee to that kind of disfuncional dynamics. Basically they are like they are, and they are waiting for your H to trained you like a puppy to fit in their gravity. That is a big no.

If you can arrange other child care, get support from your family etc start to make a plan to leave that relationship.

If you already had separated twice this may be the last straw that will help you to get the courage to leave and don't look back.

You're much more likely to have the stronger influence over your daughters if you leave him while they are still young. The older they are the more time they are likely to spend with him, and therefore his family. Simply because they'll need less taking care of, so he's more likely to want them around more often. Also the longer you stay, the more likely they are to repeat the same dynamic you and your husband have in their adult relationships. Do you really want that template embedded in them? There are no advantages to them in staying any longer.

I see your train of thought. But to me it would be better to separate. Your home would be peaceful and you'd be free to explain to DDs why you disapprove of S & BiL and why you choose to have nothing to do with them.

If it were just that they spoil their kids rotten, I wouldn't disagree with you. You can teach your children that 'our family has different rules' and eventually they learn to accept it. But if they have political/social beliefs that you find disturbing or abhorrent, you cannot be seen to tolerate that (IMHO). You need to lead by example, as it were. In staying, yes, you may be able to 'mitigate a bit' but the damage is still being done AND in being around them it may seem to DDs as if they need to 'put up' with such people in their lives, or even that you don't disapprove as much as it appears you do because you still see them.

And as far as DDs 'not seeing everything else', what is the purpose of hiding their true colours from DDs? And I doubt very much that DDs aren't seeing more than you think. Children are very perceptive little creatures and as my mum used to say "Little pitchers have big ears". They always hear and see more than we want them to no matter how hard we try to hide things from them.

Our DC are grown now, but DH has family that are basically the opposite of everything we stand for and everything we wanted to instill in our DC. We have had nothing to do with them since our DC were small and we made it clear to DC, in terms they could understand, exactly why. Would it have been better for us to allow our DC around them and hope 'they see the truth about them' at some point? I don't think so. Obviously this is different because DH and I were united in this. But I think it is better to have at least one parent who says "No, this is not to be tolerated" and makes it clear to their children even if the other parent refuses to take the same stand and tolerates their family's behaviour to 'keep the peace' with them.

Just a different viewpoint to consider. You know your DC best and you'll make the decision you feel is best for them. But also, consider your own happiness in all this too. Nothing is better for children than a happy and peaceful mother. Especially if that mother (and they) live in their own happy and peaceful home.