I'm at the end of the line... what now?

[GlassHalfFull10]

I know this has been done to death but I'm at the end of the line with my 'd'H after an absolutely grim day yesterday.

Things have been bad for a couple of years and I've wanted to end it for some time. I just haven't had the guts tbh and I'm full of doubts that overall it's the right thing to do to implode the kids' lives (10 and 8). I have limited family support myself and certainly no one close by. He will also not take a split well and I absolutely know will be extremely nasty. He will absolutely not move out of the house.

Ultimately, we don't respect each other any more. He talks down to me, has an awful temper (which he won't get help for), is a ginormous negative fun sponge, is obsessed with his sport, has a phone addiction and won't go to counselling... in a nutshell ;-)

However, I work a lot and I am really social so he does do plenty of looking after the kids when I'm not around...

So yesterday it was my hobby's little performance (I'm in a band) and he came along with the kids. He spent the whole day drinking with his friends, so I had to manage the kids, he didn't even bother to watch the performance and stood at the back talking to his friends (he denies this is true). My older child then got a bit rowdy (jumping around and singing - it was that kind of event so they didn't do anything wrong really, they just needed a parent to say, move back quieten down) WHILE I was performing and I nearly had to stop playing to come and sort it out. He had ONE JOB which was to manage those kids for my 20 min performance. It caused me a load of stress and I was already nervous and just wanted to enjoy the hobby I love so much. He hasn't seen me perform before like this either so I thought he might be somewhat interested. He claims he 'didn't see that was happening'. No because he was talking to his friends!

When I told him how cross I was, he hit the child on the arm. He thinks it was a tap that went too hard (because he was bloody DRUNK!). He is now full of remorse for his behaviour, says he feels sick to his stomach, is sooo sorry and please can I forgive him.

I said that if his temper got out of hand ever again, I'd leave.

What now?

Anyone?

I'm so sorry!! I was honestly in your shoes once. I honestly couldn't see a practical way out. We had just bought a house together and I have no family close by. But, you know what, I did it and I've never regretted a minute!!
If he refuses to move out, put the house on the market. Go and see a solicitor now and know your rights. he doesn't have a say if you want to ends things.
He does not sound like a good father either so it will actually be of benefit to your kids if you split up. I know my home is much happier with me and the kids without the daily misery of my ex bringing everyone down.

Hi op to be honest he sounds like a spoil sport. he likes to have his way enjoy himself that was your night to shine. he should off let you relax and enjoy your night it's not good when he's talking down to you. I put up with that for 17 years it will do to you what it did to me I lost respect for myself turned into a person that was walking on eggshells all the time please think hard in my experience he won't change

All else asside, you shouldn't live with someone who has a temper and talks down to you. Your kids will pick up on that! Maybe it's part of the reason your ten year old caused drama during your performance. If their dad doesn't treat you with respect and consideration, and you just hang around and take it, there's not much incentive for them to treat you right either.

And now hes even being violent to them. I think you need to leave yes, but also have a chat with your kids once out about how you should have left sooner. That we don't stay with people who are cruel. You don't want them to think you left 'for them'. Make it clear you left because dads behaviour was not ok.

I'm sure it will be a struggle for a while. But end it for your own sake and for the kids.

Thank you so much. He’s going away next week so I’ll get an appointment if I can. Agree with everything you’ve said…