I have felt completely awful about my life now for 4 years. Although I have worked on myself. I got a job when my youngest started school. I separated from their dad quite a few years ago now. It made sense. I get on fine with my ex as a person it's never been volatile. We split up because we werent able to work As a team with life. It became tedious because he never met me in the middle. He would put everything off. Decorating. Gardening. Tip runs. Basic cleaning. Trying to do everything myself made me resentful. I wasnt physically attracted to him anymore and we naturally became grumbling housemates.
After I ended it he would talk about depression and cry anytime I mentioned separating in terms of the mortgage. Then he wouldn't tell his parents for over a year we'd split.
I kept muddling through then 18 months later I met "D" who was a breath of fresh air. It was him that brought life back to me. He'd cook for me. We'd talk all the time and he was living alone and was able to take care of himself. He wasn't the type of man you'd expect me to choose. He was more alpha than men I'd dated before and being lead for the first time in my life was so weird but nice. He ended up with his landlords selling the house and he ended up at a friend's for 6 months. My mum and dad didn't meet him because it wasn't anywhere at a stage they'd need to.
Me and D were both at stages of life that were about starting out again and problems started seeping in. It ended after a disagreement and I was quite upset. He had stuff stored at my house and I couldn't get hold of him. Friends said he was upset about us and he wouldn't talk about me. He blocked me everywhere for months and my parents really didn't like how he handled it. They told me to send his stuff via parcel and get rid of it. My mum told me she'd kill me if I got involved with him again.
At Christmas we bumped into eachother when we were out walking our dogs. We spoke and we met up new years day. Since then we have been back together. We enjoy spending time together. We've been away
And we've had some lovely times together. But I'm too scared to tell my family. Everytime I walk to his flat I'm scared of being seen. I feel like a naughty child.
My kids have met him twice now just for a dog walk! They like him. They don't see any romance just that we are friends.
I'm too anxious to tell my family. I know they'll never like him. I feel so down and controlled. My mum is a very harsh judgemental woman. My friends comment on her opinions and people have said she's jealous of me. She has 4 daughters and she's always had negative things to say. She talks to me like a child and calls me thick etc. Even my latest job, I work for an old school friend who pays good money and got me back into work after the kids, my mums always slagging her off for how she was as a teenager. My dad is easier to get on with but he can shout when he's mad. They both make me anxious when i take my kids round. I feel like they are rubbish with them. My dad tries. My mum just finds fault in both their personalities.
I absolutely hate how I feel. I know I'm going to get caught out if I don't tell them..but if I tell them I'm going to get the roasting of my lifetime. I just want to be happy. Im so tired with life. How do I stop feeling so trapped and controlled? Please be nice to me..I have alot going on and can't see a way out of this anxious feeling.