Is leaving meant to feel this hard?

[Absee]

I'm splitting up with my partner. We've been fighting a lot. It's not being resolved and it's generally the same fight over and over and its escalating to a point we are screaming at each other at the top of our lungs.

I can't stress enough how unlike me that is or how little I enjoy it. We had years of peaceful happiness but we had problems crop up, and he wouldn't deal with it so we swept it under the rug and now there's anger and resentment.

I don't feel able to resolve it, so I made the choice to leave.

He knows things have been hard, so I expected ending it would be okay, that he'd be upset but he'd accept that things were toxic and we didn't have the ability to fix it.

But he's been messaging me and the messages are making me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. He said:

"I can't. I can't be without you. I'm sorry. This is hard. I love you. This doesn't feel right. You are my beautiful girl. Nothing feels okay without you. I feel panicky and I can't sleep because you're not here"

I'm really befuddled. He's not really an emotional person. He sounds in really bad shape.

Things are really not good and I don't feel able to change them, but I feel like he's right and this doesn't feel right either :(

Is it meant to feel really hard like this and leaving is still the right thing to do?

I would say it's often harder to leave than stay. When you're leaving, it's venturing out into the great unknown, it's starting over, it's actually admitting that it won't/cant work, it's the realisation of so many different things, it's the getting your shit together and having to action what needs to be done. This isn't always a negative thing just difficult when faced with it. It's heart breaking even if you know it's not the right relationship for you and it sounds like it's been going down hill for awhile.

Your relationship sounds like it's changing you and making you compromise who you are. You shouldn't ever feel that you need to trade off your self worth, your values or your personal beliefs for your partner.

The issue that you're arguing over; can it be put behind you both? Have you tried counselling? Will it be thrown back at you or you at him? Can you trust him? Can you see yourself staying together and being happy? These are questions to ask yourself no need to answer here.

If you stay and don't fully resolve the problem and it keeps coming back to the forefront. The arguing and stress of it will eventually wear on you and erode you self esteem and self worth. Resentment will continue to build and once that happens and contempt replaces it, there's no going back to how it was. That's not to say you can't repair the relationship but it will take both of you to commit to that 100% mentally, physically and emotionally.

You made the decision to leave for a reason or many reasons. When apart it's natural to reflect on the good parts and miss your partner and what you had. It's part of the grieving process.

Thank you. I'm not really worried about the change or being on my own. It's more the idea of not seeing his face everyday or telling him what's happened that day. I will really miss him 😢

The issue can't be put behind us - it's difficult and long to explain but it's something he does, nearly every day. I suggested counselling, he didn't want to go.

I think we have got to the contempt stage already :( He's defensive and I stonewall. There's contempt for sure on both sides.

Pull the trigger on it, the relationship is done. Once you have moved on you will enjoy the peace. It's definitely hard to leave, but nothing changes if you stay.