I am married to a walking red flag....

[userzv]

He's gone. It's a huge story but I felt like I always was walking on egg shells around him. I can't be myself around him and I've lost myself.

He's been really moody with me over the past few weeks. I plucked up the courage to call him while he was out of the house and tell him how I was feeling....not great and wondered if I had done something to upset him.

He told me he didn't need this. He was so angry with me. He kept swearing. The signal was bad which annoyed him even further. Then he went to his mums and hasn't come home.

I try so hard to keep him happy to avoid his silent treatment. But then I always wonder if I am the problem.

This man messes with my head so much!

Things I learned the hard way:
In a good, healthy relationship you never have to walk on eggshells.
In a good, healthy relationship you don’t need to pluck up courage to speak to your partner.
In a good, healthy relationship you don’t feel that you have to work to make them happy.

Once you have to walk on eggshells you’re scared of them — scared of their reaction, scared of what they’ll do. That’s no way to live and as you say they mess with your head and know they can do that as much as they want.

Keep him out. If the house is half his you might have difficulty with that but get advice from a lawyer or Woman’s Aid. Break the cycle, get him out if your life and the relief, the joy, the freedom is wonderful.

Thank you. My house is mine - it's through a housing association and his name isn't on any of it so I am safe there.

I've spent almost 3 years wanting to leave the marriage. I've left many times but I always go back. Even when I am certain I won't.

However this time, I have been the one to start the conversation. He usually doesn't speak to me for days on end because of something that's happened. This time it's because I've spoken up.

X

And keep speaking up...hes not used to that because oc he likes it all on his watch. Stonewalling is abuse. Its controlling. Leave him to it, dont contact him n

Thank you. I'm not going to contact him at all. I just want his stuff out but it's not worth contacting him regarding that right now.

We've been up and down for that long that I do feel like I'm over it. I'm absolutely not heartbroken. Which I'm glad about. I'm pretty sure that he's talking to someone else or has the next woman lined up and that doesn't even bother me.

I'm just worried it will hit me later on. But he makes me miserable. I think I'm that used to living in his world that I've forgotten what mine looks like. I'm hoping I'll continue to feel free and it won't all come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks!

I wouldnt let him back in.

Put his bags on the door step and tell him to go.

You can file for divorce simply and cheaply. No one should have yo live like this.
Once you start taking steps to separate you wont look back.

I do so many posts like this and I always end up taking him back.

It does feel different this time. I'm not crying. I'm feeling ok. I feel lighter because he's not here. I can 100% see how my life would be for me and the kids if I stay.

I also know that he doesn't love me anymore. He's just using me as a place to stay.

I left him almost 2 years ago because he accused me of having an affair. I wasnt obviously. Then he promised he would change but he got worse. I fell into a complete depression to the point I was having suicidal thoughts. I confided in him on how I was feeling but again....he couldn't be doing with it. He told me he didn't need it and that I annoyed him. I was having suicidal tonight's and this is the reaction I got. He lost a close member of his family to suicide and he blamed his reaction on that.

He is also a gambling addict and up to his eyeballs in debt.

@userzv
Id contact him one last time (legally). Tell him he has 28 days to organise for his belongings to be picked up or you will donate them, legally you have to give reasonable time for him to collect. Dont get into conversation with him after that, unless its just to collect his stuff, then just bare minimum. If he doesnt reply send email to him 28 days.

Do you have any real life support OP? Maybe telling someone would help keep you 'accountable' and strong enough not to let him back? You are absolutely doing the right thing by trying to break free of him, what you describe isn't a loving, healthy relationship and you deserve so much more than living in fear of his moods

I tell my mum everything. She is great however she doesn't recognise what abuse is sadly. She was married to my dad for 35 years and he treated her horribly. She always thought and still does think the problem is her. I've had therapy and done lots of work on myself believe it or not and I can see things so much more clearly.

My mum has had enough though. ExH is a very likeable and charming person. You can't help but like him at first. Until he talks and talks about himself non stop and completely drains you. But he has gone right down in her estimations.

She wants it to be over now. I've just been on the phone to her and she's told me I can do what I like now and to enjoy my freedom.

You are so brave OP.. you can do this! Life will be better!

Change the locks as soon as possible. Don’t let him back into your home or your life. He won’t be happy if he feels you are happier without him.
Getting him out wouldn’t be easy if he returns to your house.
Have his things packed at the door for collection

He can't get in as he left his keys but I will do this anyway. He's got absolutely nothing now and blames me for it yet it's all down to his poor choices why it is like this.

All he says is 'I go to work to provide for you all'

I don't work as I'm a carer for my eldest son who has quite severe autism. However I am his carer which brings in a very small income.

I'm fine financially without him too thank goodness.

Change the locks and leave his bags outside or drop at his mums

Legally it is best not to leave his belongings outside, that could be a load of legal issues, because hes an arse. Ring his mum then and drop off his stuff. That's it, done x

It sounds like you are really understanding now that you are better off without him - well done, onwards and upwards.

I won't be leaving it outside. It's more hassle than it's worth. He would also turn extremely nasty. Plus he has some very expensive tools here. It would be wrong of me to leave it all outside. Equally it's the tools that I want gone and they are very big and heavy so I can't really take them to his mums.

The main thing is that he's gone and he can't get back in.

Thank you. It's like there 95% of my brain knows I am so much better without him but that 5% is still clinging on.

The 5% is so much smaller than it used to be though. I remember when he used to give me the silent treatment over the smallest things and I would just be relieved when he would start speaking to me again. I'd never stop and think about myself and what he was putting me through. I was just glad when things were back to 'normal'. I certainly don't think like that anymore.

I remember once when I was pregnant, I suffered with hyoeremeis so extreme sickness. My step children were here and we were supposed to go bowling. I had already been sick twice that morning and really didn't feel like going. He fell out with me and said I didn't want to spend time with his kids when I said I wanted to stay at home. So I ended up going with them and he and his kids just completely ignored me the whole time. Then he didn't speak to me for 2 days straight. When I tried to speak to him he just told me to 'forget it as I didn't understand how he felt'.

I have a close relationship with my step kids too. I did everything for them.

Fingers crossed. I'm doing ok. It's this time of night that's hard. I keep wondering what he's doing but at the same time, I really don't care!