Child moved in with stepfamily. Feeling down.

[eractually]

Not really writing for advice, more solidarity and a handhold I guess.

DD10 and her Dad have moved in with his partner and her kids. DD is happy and excited; stepfamily are kind and welcoming; she’s been able to make her room her own, etc.

Which is obviously the main thing.

It’s brought up quite a lot of tough stuff for me, however. Currently wallowing a bit as DD is at her new home and sending me pictures of what they’re up to.

Obviously my focus has been on keeping things as stable and consistent as possible for DD through the changes in her other house. Ex and I have been co-parenting 50/50 since we split some years ago. DD and I live in a nice home and life is good. I’m positive to her about the stepfamily and new house, exciting times, etc. I have a new partner, I get on well with his kids but moving in is not on the cards.

My marriage separation was traumatic, I was blindsided, and although we’ve all adapted and moved on, I guess there’s still a sense of injustice there for me. Why does my ex get the family package again even though he blew our family unit apart?

I guess I’m also a bit scared of losing DD to this new fun family set up, though I recognise this is a false fear.

I’ve searched the boards but not found anything on this theme. Most posts are from mums seeking help when blending with their own new partners. Seems not much is said about those left behind.

Just wanted to say I think you are an awesome mum.

As a child of divorced parents I wish my parents had acted like you and thought of how their child felt.

You are making things as easy as possible for your daughter, she's sending you photos so obviously doesn't pick up any bad vibes from you and that's awesome.

When she's older and maybe looks back with a mature slant she will appreciate what you've done.

I totally understand how you must feel so resentful towards your ex partner, its only natural and its good to come on places like this and vent and get it all out; Really your daughter might not be physically with you but you're building a stronger relationship with her, plus she's thinking of you whilst she's there x

Thanks for the empathy and validation @Bettyneptune, and for sharing your experience. This particular milestone in co-parenting is a bit of an emotional slog. Nice to think that it's for the greater good long-term.

Bump

I've no experience. but just wanted to say you sound like you are doing a great job making things easier for your child and she must be feeling comfortable enough to send you photos of her day. Although hard for you at times I think you should be proud of how you are handling things.

I'm sorry you feel that way. It must be really hard, even when you've moved on yourself. I still don't like my ex 10 years later and I have a DH and DS with him now. I think it's rare to be able to completely forgive and forget.

You are being brilliant here as the PP said - clearly your daughter feels happy to send the pics, so you are putting her first and not showing your (understandable) resentment and sadness.

I generally co-parent very amicably with dd's dad, but it did upset me more than I expected when we were away this summer and DD showed me a (very full on) message from her step-mother about how much she is missing her etc. Dd was showing it me I think because she thought I would find it funny (she likes her step-mother well enough but she is a very different kind of woman from us - quite gushy - and I think dd just found the message a bit weird and silly) but it actually really got to me, another woman speaking like that to MY child!

But then I reminded myself, as I always have to when I start feeling like that, thank God dd has a step-mother who really loves her, when so many step-parents can be unkind or just indifferent..... I really should be really grateful to the woman for her kindness to my child, and most of the time I am, but.....

Allow yourself to be human OP - it's totally normal to feel as you do - but also be proud of how well adjusted your daughter is and how well you are co-parenting. And focus on the many many positives in your life - your lovely child, lovely home, lovely partner and lovely self!

Thanks for the support and for taking the time to write, lovely people.

Feeling better today with the benefit of those perspectives, and appreciating the calls and pics from DD (often several times a day 😜).

@Ilovelurchers I have felt very much the same - it is quite an odd feeling to have another adult expressing such things. But then I rationalise and think well, I wouldn't find it weird if an aunt or grandparent spoke like that, and her stepmum is actually a relative now, and so try to be grateful for SM's kindness rather than indifference or worse.

I don't think being precious or competitive or territorial about 'my' jobs helps anyone. And if step-gran wants to darn DD's tights, then she can happily crack on. The more good adults in a kid's life, the better, I guess.

@xyz111 thanks also for normalising ex-related irritation. Poor stepmum 😝

I echo what others have said OP. You are being very selfless to put your own understandable concerns to one side and to present a positive welcoming attitude towards your daughter's new situation. I am in my 60s and my parents divorced when I was about 10. My mother openly hated hearing anything about my dad's new partner or anything good that happened. She even returned a little necklace his partner bought me with a horrible letter. I could go on .... suffice to say that these experiences really affected me as a child and I realise now as an adult how wrong it was of my mum to behave that way. It puts innocent kids in the middle and has definitely made me a bit of a people pleaser. Keep doing what you are doing OP and one day your daughter will thank you for it. Until then, it's a big well done from me.

I was reflecting on your post a bit more - it did strike a bit of a chord to me - and here is another thing I think:

I do have a new husband who lives with myself and DD when she is with me (like you I share custody). But while his relationship with DD is excellent (in my opinion) he is not a paternal person at all (no kids of his own - never wanted them) and consequently does not try to "parent" her in any way. He is friendly to her; they buy each other thoughtful Xmas gifts; he catches spiders if they appear in her bedroom; we all go on trips out together or even some lovely joint holidays from time to time.... But really their relationship is more like he is a close long term family friend who lodges with us, rather than my partner and de facto in loco parentis, if that makes sense? And all three of us are happy to keep it like that - there is a very chilled atmosphere of friendship and mutual respect in our family dynamic...

My dd's step-mom on the other hand, who has three kids of her own and seems to rejoice in the role of motherhood, very clearly sees herself in the role of another parent , and has done so right from the start, even imposing rules on stuff like bedtimes far stricter than dd's dad and I ever had, that type of stuff. She obviously does love my daughter! She is just a very different woman from me, and from a very different (far more conventional and wealthy) background, and I just had to delete some stuff I typed because it sounded unkind, and I am sure she does her best.....

Sorry, I am rambling more than I expected - this thread isn't about me! But basically I do so totally understand - you want your child to have adults in their life that treat them decently and love them OF COURSE - but it's hard when you feel someone encroaching on your one unique role of mother - it's a really emotive one, isn't it?

But you are doing the right thing definitely - keep smiling and know that the bond between you and your daughter is absolutely unbreakable. She will have other people she loves in her life of course - in time that may include her step-family - but you are the only YOU she will ever have and your love for her shines through your post (and her's for you, actually) and proves that bond is golden.

To cheer yourself up, can you arrange some nice stuff to do with her, just you and her, next time you have some holiday time with her maybe? I am apart from my DD at the moment and today have organised to take her away just after Xmas, just the two of us, and I am so excited about that! Time spent just the two of you is the most precious and valuable thing......