Best friend and ‘casual’ racism.

[LadyatLady82]

My BF (best friend) came to my house this week with another friend of mine. I married out of faith and race. And I’ve had to put up with a lot of shit from people in my community and well now I cut people off.

My BF was there when I met DH over 20 years ago, we are all friends. Granted she is going through a tough time personally and financially so I know her head isn’t quite in the right place.

Friend 2 not BF was talking about how a relative of my BF had recently married to someone. Friend 2 commented how pretty BF’s relative was and how relative’s DH was ‘ok’. I simply said it looked like a beautiful wedding which it did!!!

This is where BF just turned round and said well yeah Relatives DH is just like all of them , looks the same as all of them - then referenced his race. I just sat in silence, my husband is that race as my kids are half that race. I have noticed from others in my community ‘casual’ racism towards people of my husband’s race. This BF has said to me in the past how her family can’t believe how I married out of race etc. But this comment in my own house really upset me. I want to say to my friend that this sort of racism isn’t acceptable. But I’m just too upset and angry. As also DH sees her as a good friend she was there when we first met.

The general casual racism towards people of my husband’s community from my community doesn’t help either as it’s partly culturally entrenched.

I suppose if it’s bothering me I shouldn’t be silent. But I find it easier to withdraw.

You need to stand up to her. That's not ok. Would you be ok with your DH or kids hearing that?

Your BF feels comfortable being racist in front of you. You need to ask yourself why?

Also, being married to someone of a different race and having mixed kids doesn't make you an ally. Your actions I find as shocking as your BF.

I'm stunned you didn't say anything.

@LadyatLady82

i am so sorry for you.
there is no place for racism.
i would tell them that.

That's really hard. I would have probably responded with a calm and soft, "is that what you think of my husband and children?" and let her dig her own hole until there was no going back.
The friendship would be over for me.

My children are mixed race, I have a zero tolerance attitude for any racism. It makes it easier to deal with, knowing where your line in the sand is, regardless of who makes a comment like that.

I’m not an ally, there is no shame in me. I love my DH my kids and the life we’ve chosen. She has even dated people of my husband’s race but chose to marry into her own.

i come up against a lot of racism from family sometimes in our own language that DH doesn’t understand. I hate it. I feel terrible for not saying anything. And yes it says a lot about me that I don’t stand up to it.

The way you say #community' and 'culturally entrenched' makes me think none of you are white but from two communities that have historically hated each other... 'out of faith'... what 'races' are these?
Her comment is completely out of order and you should say something but in general you are going to get nowhere changing attitudes in the communities unless one of the parties is white. In the UK racism is always 'white' vs 'the rest' and everything else is ignored.

My DH is English white and I am of Indian origin, second generation therefore speak fluently having been brought up by my grandmother.

I mean I don’t almost care if it’s outing.

There are always flippant comments about the white man, because they are the hated colonisers but deep down I know are seen as less in our community.

I read the title of you thread and expected to read something that I would consider someone being overly sensitive. I was wrong. What your friend said was unacceptable, especially considering your family is of the same race. I’m sorry that happened and the you were made to feel uncomfortable.

See, now that you say that the comments are going to turn the other way.
Technically speaking racism can't go from non-whites to whites because well in one official definition it's against 'marginalised races', anything else is prejudice.

However in interpersonal relations I think that's rubbish. People shouldn't be thinking anybody else superior or inferior based on their race.

I'm of Indian origin (well mostly) for another country and I have witnessed a lot of the behaviour you describe. But these people don't just look down on 'white' people they also try to keep hold of archaic practices including forcing girls to marry people of their own choosing and favouring sons over them. I don't know why they want to live in the U.K, a free country with humanist values, when they think like this. I have also heard people say things like white girls who wear short skirts deserve rape, imagine a white person saying that against any other race there'd be a massive outcry.

My H is also white and anybody who does that I would cut off straight away.

History and retribution must be separated from our opinion of individuals solely based on association. I disagree with the Japanese attitude towards war atrocities for example and they killed/tortured many of my country people but that doesn't mean I'm going to judge any individual Japanese people based on the actions of their ancestors! I have quite a few Japanese friends and they are all horrified at what has been done.

My BF was like yes relative’s DH looks like any other white man. She herself has dated white men. It is like a deeply rooted hatred of white people. But then go out of their way to cook for their white neighbours, invite them to their weddings. Often to get them drunk and ridicule them at said events. To think less of women like me because I married a white man although we’ve been together more than 20 years. Or admonish me for thinking I am better than them because I married a white man.

This is after living in this country since the 1950s.

If your family members are of that race, it's inappropriate. I mean it's not an innocuous comment in general terms, is it.

You have to keep the freedom of speech intact to some extent. I was once arguing a point about provoking a mass hysteria and because of someone's inability to get the nuances, it affected my employment.

If you make it a forbidden topic, the fools will get the upper hand.

Hugs hugs and more hugs. Until someone is in an interfaith, interracial and intercultural relationship, no one understands the complexity and the pain that goes with it. I’m white welsh and my husband is black Nigerian. He was shocked at the comments his friends and family made about me when we got together and then engaged. We now have our daughter and he’s addressing the racism towards her, calling her the white baby, stating she’s not really part of their ethnic tribe, telling him he’s dirtied the bloodline etc. over time we have been very careful who we allow in our lives. I lost my bestfriend due to her stating ‘woman like us don’t date men like that’.

we can’t run away from history, we have to learn from it and we have to do better moving forwards. But that doesn’t mean that anyone can make you feel ‘less than’ just because of the Man who you fell in love with and built a life with.

I have no advice but wanted to send you a massive massive hug.