I am confused about whether he hates me

[Confusedandhurt9]

I’ve been with my bf 2.5 years. Last week I introduced him to a colleague. She said to me in front of him that she doesn’t know how I manage to raise a child (not his) and work and succeed in my career. She said she’s in awe of me and then asked something like “what’s the secret?” My bf butt in and said “having a nanny is the big secret.” I felt so hurt by this. My nanny spends only 3.5h a day with my child. I do all cooking. She doesn’t cook. I get my child ready for school, I do the laundry. I cook breakfast lunch and dinner. Nanny’s sole job is to collect my child and bring her home safely and warm up her dinner. It makes me feel like he doesn’t respect me and instead of championing me (especially first time he met my colleagues) he basically made a hurtful comment.

Am I overreacting?

Another thing is that I work very long hours. I applied for this program recently and instead of supporting me he sulked that I’d work more. I also got some tattoos for the first time (very discrete) and he said I used to be elegant and classy and now he has to look at my awful tattoos all the time. When I said that’s not ok to say he said well I tell him if his haircut doesn’t look good so he’s entitled to do the same. I don’t ever say it like that.

I feel he hates me but I’m not sure bc every time I try to end it he comes crawling back.

On Friday he had a go at me bc I didn’t remind my child to say bye to him as she left for her dad’s for the weekend. Yesterday I spent an hour with my friend on Zoom (overran by 50 mins) helping her train to be a therapist (she wanted to practice some techniques) and he got mad at me and said I left him alone all evening when I’d initially said it would take 30 mins. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal… he sulked off to bed.

I left an abusive marriage several years ago and I’m confused if this is another one of those relationships.

I meant 'both' are not suited each other.

This ^

He sounds nasty, it looks to me like he resents you for being independent, capable and successful. Bin the fucker.

Fucking hell- your standards are mighty low.

Don't spend time with people you think might hate you.

The details don't matter.

I had a live in nanny for 10 years as I was a lone parent with a heavy job.

If my partner had said all that to me and acted like a sulking jealous dick I'd bin him off for being an undermining prick.

He says he doesn't like your tattoos; you say when you don't like his hair.

Someone asked how you do everything you do; he said it's because you have a nanny. Well, that true, isn't it? Why else do you have her? It's because you wouldn't manage it otherwise. It sounds more like a truth than a criticism. I couldn't have worked the hours I did without a childminder.

You told him you'd be 30 mins on a zoom call and it overran by 50 (so nearly 3 times as long as you said you'd be). You don't think it was a big deal, he did for whatever reason.

None of it's a big deal and none of it means he hates you.

But...

You don't sound very compatible. You're very sensitive to personal comments he makes about you; you feel justified in the comments you make about him.

You feel him stating facts is undermining you because it changes the narrative you have about yourself (eg the nanny).

You're happy to give him a ball park time re how long something will take; he'd possibly prefer it if you were more transparent in the first place.

My ex husband used to say to me, "ill be back at 8" and then come home at 10. I asked him once why he did it. I didn't care what time he'd be back etc but if I was expecting him at 8 and he got bqck at 10, he was 'late'. I'd have preferred it if he'd said he'd be back at 10 in the first place. He said it was because 8 'sounded better' than 10 - maybe like 30 mins 'sounds better' than an hour and a half.

Did you send him a quick message to say you were going to he longer than you thought? My partner wouldn't mind if something overran and neither would I, but we'd both let the other know as a courtesy in case thebothwr was waiting for us.

But, as someone else said, if you feel like he 'hates' you, why are you bothering anyway. Don't spend time with people you think hate you!

It doesn’t sound remotely abusive to me. The nanny comment was true, having a nanny is nothing to be ashamed of. Also if you comment on his hair, I agree that he can comment on your tattoos, me and DH would both be very disappointed with the other if they got tattoos as we don’t like them. The comment about your child not saying goodbye, well it might be out of proportion but doesn’t sound like the end of the world and there is nothing wrong with manners. You being “late” by an hour (as in you over ran on your meeting) might have been annoying if he was expecting that you would have some time together.

So no, on the whole definitely not abusive and I don’t think he has done anything particularly wrong either. But I am not sure you actually like him, so end it, that is a good enough reason.

Reading through some of these responses, I wonder how some people manage relationships!

Do none of you consider the feelings or time or your partner's? Do none of you make lighthearted quips? Do none of you ever disagree with something the other has done?

He isn't automatically in the wrong/an abuser because he is male and she isn't automatically in the right/a victim becaise she's female.

Sometimes, people are just incompatible/have incompatible expectations.

Oh and I would always encourage my children to say goodbye to a frequent guest who was leaving that's just good manners.

With the nanny comment, yes I think you're overreacting. Having a nanny even for a few hours a day must surely be making your life easier, so I'd agree with him that the nanny is 'part of the secret'.

As for the extra hours at work and the tattoos, is this something you chatted through beforehand? In any kind of healthy partnership it's good to talk these things through and get the other person's point of view. It sounds as though you did both things without a chat? Of course you can do that if you want but if the situation was reversed and he was suddenly less available due to work or had changed his body in some way, you'd probably have liked to have been consulted.

As for the sulking - it's a really immature response from him and he needs to grow up. But perhaps your relationship and the time you spend together also needs more work too?

Trying to undermine you in front of someone else is shitty.
Sulking when he can't get his own way is shitty.
And if by sulking you mean silent treatment etc that is pathetic and abusive.

I really think he is just not a nice person.

If he isn't making you happy, building you up, then you don't need him in your life.

It’s undermining and disrespectful and I wouldn’t stand for either. I’d have bollocked mine if he’d said that about your childcare. He made it sound like you do no childcare and the nanny is doing it all for you.

Get rid of him now.

It sounds as if things have reached a natural end. He's resentful of you and the lack of time you have for him and why would anyone want to be spending time with anyone who picks and snides?

End it properly and stick to it. It sounds as if you just don't have the spoons for it atm.