Sad, best friend dropping me

[JaneChampagne]

I apologise for the soppy post but I’m hurting over this friendship and wondering if anyone’s experienced similar.

I met my best friend, let’s call her Annabelle 15 years ago when our dd’s were little. Our dd’s were also very close friends. Annabelle’s dd spent a lot of time at our house and because Annabelle didn’t drive, I would take her dd to the girls after school activities etc.. I didn’t mind, my dd loved having her best friend with her and Annabelle was such a warm friend to me.

Now our dd’s are young adults. Until recently, Annabelle and I still met up fairly regularly but gradually I appear to have been replaced in Annabelle’s life by a couple of new friends who do lots of favours for her (looking after her younger children, driving them to activities and school, paying for her to attend expensive events etc.). I’ve been trying to arrange a coffee date with Annabelle for months. She's cancelled last minute on me several times now. She knows that I’m currently in need of a good friend (a small worry I currently have). I think I have now realised that I’m simply not a priority in her life anymore.

I had been warned many years ago by a couple of people close to me that she was using me. I know that she has had fallings out with close family about her taking advantage of their good nature. She was such a lovely, warm friend to me, through some very tough times. I’m finding the situation very confusing and sad (which I think is ridiculous of me because it’s clear that the friendship just isn’t important to her anymore). I’m trying to concentrate on other friendships but I miss her very much.

Thank you for reading.

I’m so sorry, I know how this feels and it’s pretty rubbish. It sounds like Annabelle is close to the people she needs in her life to do things for her. She likes to keep people close so they can keep doing her favours. Since her child has now grown up, she’s moved on to other people helping her.

This has been completely unfair to you. She knows you’re in your hour of need and just would like a catch up and yet she’s cancelled. I wouldn’t try to rearrange with her, I’d wait and see if she tries to reschedule. Sorry to say but I imagine she will come back into
your life when she needs a favour.

I know you’re trying to focus on other friendships and j genuinely think it’s for the best. Being close to someone for so long and then they suddenly disappear is upsetting so don’t be hard on yourself for being down about it. Just try to redirect your thoughts onto something else .

Sadly, this kind of thing happens to most of us at some point in our lives, and it is very upsetting. The hardest part is that quite often we don't know or understand why we have been dropped. Hopefully you can draw comfort from the fact that you do at least have an idea as to why.

All we can do is continue to nurture the friendships we have left.

This is a thing, and it's called cognitive dissonance.

You thought that you were close. She was using you. These two things were going on at the same time.

Now you are having to accept that she was using you, which must mean that you weren't close. But she acted as though you were close. You felt as though you were close. You didn't feel used, and even when you were told you were being used, you couldn't believe it because you felt so close.

This is something that is felt by a lot of people in relationships. For instance, a man hits his wife, but also he tells her he loves her more than anything in the world. She absolutely believes that. She has to live with those two clashing concepts.

That is why you find threads on here where someone is describing terrible things that their husband is doing and then says oh no, I'm not going to leave him because we love each other. They tend to get very angry with anyone who suggests they should split up.

Basically another word for cognitive dissonance is a mindfuck

I feel you and am sending big virtual hugs! I have been that person many times now and I have just realised I am only going to maintain friendships which are more equally balanced. You haven’t lost anything since this person wasn’t your true friend even if they were behaving like one. I don’t have a solution other than to try to find some activities to make friends through even if that can feel really daunting.

It's awful to feel you have been used but it sounds like it was more nuanced than that. I think some people go through life almost subconsciously using people, although not intentionally wishing to hurt them. Others, like yourself, are very nice and see the best in people and are not looking to gain from the friendship.

Had this happen to me op and it is fucking brutal. And almost feels like a bereavement.

Op its lousy had it done to me too. A person I was close to got in touch lately but only to ask how dd exams went. Cheeky b* hadnt bothered with me in nearly 2yrs. Vowed I wont be used again by friends. Ive no advice but its horrible behaviour.

This is a well put explanation.

Thank all so much, I didn’t expect so many kind and helpful replies. And honestly, they have really helped.

I feel hurt but also angry. I think I may be angry with myself for allowing this to hurt me.

I can’t work out if Annabelle is aware that she uses people or not. One of her current ‘besties’ runs around a lot after her. Really goes above and beyond what most friends or even family members would do for someone else. Annabelle told me a while ago that this friend isn’t the ‘right kind of person’ to introduce to some of her family because she’s not posh enough. That opened my eyes a bit, I was surprised that she’d talk that way about someone who is doing so much for her.

Annabelle is extremely popular locally. She’s often called amazing and wonderful by people IRL and on sm. She’s very competitive and I have also started to notice that she boasts a lot. It’s another aspect of the relationship that I’ve been struggling with. When she first met my new partner, she belittled my job and my flat in front of him. She has put me down a few times over the course of our friendship. One one occasion I told her a put down had hurt me and she mocked me. So I don’t feel as though any of this is something I could talk to her about. She’d never admit that she’d said or done something that could have been hurtful.

I don’t think the friendship deserves all this rumination. I guess I’m trying to make sense of it. It is confusing. I don’t understand how someone could be so caring and warm but also so cold.

Thank you again for all the great responses. They really are helpful and I’m going to read them all again.

Some people don't believe in friendship, they just take people as they come and that's all.

I used to have a friend like that, would still be able to cry about it but then again I'm a funny person.

How rubbish for you, I've also gone through something similar, I got over it by talking it through with friends who knew both of us, they all confirmed that they were never close to the girl as I was because as they never lent her clothes, picked up her children, threw her parties, or invited her to members clubs she wasn't very interested in them, I was always "taking care of her" in a way. But when I needed taking care of, she was no where to be seen. Hearing from so many people tell me over and over I'm being used made me go from sad to relieved, I don't miss her a bit now.

She is a user. You have obviously outlived your usefulness to her. Perhaps don't contact her again and wait to see if she gets in touch, that will show you if she is a true friend or not. Something similar happened to me, I was close friends with someone for over 20 years, helped her out many times. She moved away and when I rang her it was obvious that she could not be bothered with me so I just waited to see if she would ring me. I haven't heard from her in over 10 years.

Yes its usually what can you do for me. Not being used going forward. Found that a bit in friendships all on their terms. I think op have a few friends. You dont need that in a friend.

I think this kind of person is so self absorbed that they don’t really realised they are doing it. It’s all about them. I think that makes it easier to accept actually!

Another 'lets call her' thread. There's lots of them today but nothing quite as spectacular as 'let's call her Annabelle after a creepy doll from horror films possessed by demons' 😂

Why not let's just call her 'my friend ' seeing as the names are completely irrelevant to anyone here anyway?

It's a zombie thread