Partner with drug history potential relapse

[tinatsarina]

Hi I've posted about this before, partner has a history of drug use, coke. He's apparently off it, on antidepressants, got a new job with more wage let's say 30,000 a year. He says he's paid weekly. I'm a sahm as childcare is currently to much. We were at a friends wedding this weekend only had to pay for drinks which worked out about £70. haven't got shopping or electric yet, I asked him how much he has left he said basically enough for his buses this week. I had said what have you done where's the rest of it? I asked him to show me his online banking to account for what we spent, he's got defensive saying he doesn't need to show me, I should mind my business.

He's relapsed hasn't he. What's my next move?

Not necessarily but odd he’s defensive over his bank account.
Addicts often replace one addiction with another, so could be gambling or spending a huge amount on cigarettes if he smokes.
It’s not going to be a happy, relaxed relationship if you can’t trust him but I’m not sure what you can do about that. Counselling? There seem to be various support organisations. This is just one but Google threw up a whole page of them https://www.therecoverytrust.co.uk/support-for-families-of-addicts/

Posted too soon. Or leave, make your own life where you won’t have this constant nagging worry.

Thank you he drinks as well but I haven't noticed him drinking more often it's the defensiveness getting to me, a few weeks ago I asked him to show me his wages and he showed me what he had transferred himself, claiming that was all he got not a transfer from the business iykwim

Why are you with him?. What are you still getting out of this relationship?.

What is preventing you from leaving this individual?

Three kids and together 11 years only since his dad passed that this has all started. So I guess I'm holding on to who he was before it all.

People get bogged down in their sunk costs and you certainly are bogged down in those. The sunk costs fallacy is causing you to make poor relationship decisions.

Neither reason you cite are actually any sort of reason to stay with this addicted individual. I am sorry to read his father passed away 11 years ago but not all adults by any means turn to drink and drugs when their parent dies and you perhaps want to excuse or otherwise prescribe that to him because that is more palatable to you. He’s an addict and will have an addictive personality for the rest of his life. They also lie readily to themselves as well as others.

What he was before has long since gone never to return. It was never really there either. He in all likelihood treated you well enough and long enough to get you hooked and you fell for it, it being a mirage. As for staying for the kids, are you really staying for their sake or more likely for your own self because you think it’s somehow “easier”?. They are not going to say thanks mum to you for staying with him, he is dragging you and in turn your kids down with him. This is no relationship model to be at all showing your children, do you want them to think this shitshow is the norm for their relationships too?.

Your right, I guess I am kidding myself with it all. I'll try asking him again about the money etc and see how I get on. I'm going to make it clear that I don't believe that some wedding drinks etc can blow all those wages in the space of three or four days.

Denial is a powerful force indeed but you need to get your head out of the sand.

What happened to you op, how is it you got together with this man in the first place?.

The time for talking to him has passed, all you’ll get from him is more bluster, stonewalling to shut you down or lies. How is it also that £70 was spent on drinks for a wedding when you had not got the shopping nor paid for the electric yet?. You know he’s relapsed again and that is also why he is defensive. He is spending money left right and centre on drugs and drink. He is taking money away from you and your kids to further fund his addictions.