Can someone tell me it's okay to leave?

[Izzo76]

My long term partner has severe mental health problems. When we met, he had cptsd from teenage abuse, then about three years into our relationship he was a victim of a violent crime and has since had very severe PTSD.

At first afterwards, he was a real mess. He lost lots of weight, he shook a lot, he had night terrors and turned to drink.

I begged him to go and get help but he refused to. He doesn't trust counsellors as one mistreated him as a teenager and he's terrified of facing and dealing with it all.

He's functional, but for three years now, he's been living with mental health problems that make life unlivable.

He never feels safe, he can't relax, he's angry, he's tired all the time, he sees everything negatively, he feels mo joy, he has no libido, and he is just pretty unpleasant most of the time

I've done everything I can do - encouraged him to see doctors, sourced various treatments of all kinds but he doesn't engage it.

I've noticed he also takes on overtime to a point he has no time for anything else, which I think is avoidance.

We have no life.

We never go out. We never have sex. Nothing is ever fun. I am a carer really, often to an emotionless person.

I've tried to leave but he cries and says he loves me or he crashes so much I run back.

I think we love each other very much still, but he's in complete denial and wants to avoid getting the help he needs.

I've left again now.

I just feel guilty.

I think I just need someone to tell me it's okay to leave someone you really love if they are like this and won't do anything to make themselves better.

I don't think me leaving will be a "wake up call". I think he will probably just start drinking again and leave his job and probably go off travelling as he thinks he can outrun this thing.

Can he?

Will he be okay?

I love him very much. I am just at a point I haven't had sex for 18 months, every weekend is angry outbursts or treading on eggshells and this isn't helping either of us.

It's always okay to leave for any reason if you want to leave - life is too short to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy.

I’m sorry - that sounds terribly hard. You can’t help someone that is not ready to accept help, and this is your life too.

You can leave any situation you want if you want to leave. You don't even need a reason.

You're not a rehab centre. You're not his fixer. You're not his parent. Whatever he does, as an independent adult, is entirely his decision. Not yours.
Leave and be free.

This

but also you cannot be a therapy centre for someone.

Oh my god yes it's okay to leave, OP, and I'm so glad you are working through this. If it helps, I say that as someone with CPTSD myself.

I know you haven't described him as overtly abusive to you but I still wonder if you might benefit from the freedom programme or from talking to a therapist yourself. You might find it helps you to rebuild your boundaries.

Hi, you've done the right thing. The only person that can help this man is himself. You can tell him you love him, but the way you are living? That's no life for you. It awful that he has had so much to deal with, so have a lot of people. I would definitely see a counsellor too. Start doing things for yourself and see where life takes you. Until he helps himself you guys are on a road to nowhere. Good luck xxx

He needs to seek professional help himself and you need the chance to live your life on your own terms. Whatever he does next is his choice. You're not his carer, his parent or his punchbag so as hard as it is, walk in the other direction towards your own much happier and healthier future without him. I hope the trauma you've suffered living with him will fade and that you gain strength from freedom and independence.

Life is really short and you have a right to have some peace and enjoy yourself when possible, you are not responsible for anyone else.
I learned the hard way. Leaving for me was not quitting it was taking back control.

Absolutely you need to stay gone.

Its over.

You cannot fix him.

He will hopefully help himself eventually but your relationship is over.

Do not stay in touch.

Clean break is best to help you both move on.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up? Who taught you to be a rescuer and or saviour?. As you have all too clearly seen neither approach works. I would also read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that has related to your behaviour in this relationship. This was never love but codependency.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped and you need to examine why you’ve kept on going back to him. This was actually manipulation 101 from him, many abusive people are very manipulative.

Remain out of his life completely, you need a clean break from him. Block him from being able to contact you in any way. Your boundaries here, already perhaps skewed by previous poor life and or relationship experience, have been further got at by this man. You need to heal and that is going to take time, perhaps years even now.

I would second the recommendation made to see a therapist and enrolling yourself on to the Freedom Programme.

Please don't feel guilty. That's no life and you've done the right thing in leaving.

He's not your responsibility, and you don't owe him a relationship. It's up to himself to do what he needs to get better. You've supported him long enough but it's time for you to put yourself first and do what you need to to make the most out of your life.

I don’t think I'm a rescuer. When we met it was a couple of years before I even knew he had any issues. All my relationships before were with healthy people. I actually remember screening people pretty carefully for emotional stability when we met on Tinder but he seemed fine for s long time!

Yanbu you stayed too long if anything and you've done all you can.

Just to alleviate your guilt a bit more- I've stuck with men through some really hard times and have really pushed my own needs aside to help build them up. When they're got better/sorted their issues out, do any of them ever think 'wow she was so great and stuck with me through my hard times it's her turn to be looked after by me now' do they f*.

Well done you for protecting yourself and putting boundaries in place. X