Online Dating anxiety - how to get over it?

[DesignerStars]

I'm 38 and I've been single for a while now and I really want to meet someone and have a relationship for all the right reasons. I know that realistically, dating apps are my best opportunity to meet someone but the idea of going on them just fills me with anxiety.

I've been on and off them in the past but not taken it seriously and several friends have been on them as well. It all just seems like such an intense 'game' almost, with unspoken rules about being flirty/not too flirty, how often you should text, what milestones to reach by each date etc. I just want to meet someone in a mature way, without it feeling part of game.

I also have a busy social life and a tendency to overthink things and this has led to me procrastinating going on dating apps. I'm going on holiday for a week in 5 weeks time and even thinking I should postpone until after then. I think I just need someone to give my head a wobble and tell me to get on with it!

I'm not quite there yet but I will likely go down that route once I am ready. I've done it before but a long time ago, it wasn't so bad back then but not sure now. However, I am a guy so likely different on the opposite side perhaps.

All I'll say is that there will be decent ones out there but from what I understand there's a lot of time wasters and non desirables. I would say give it a go and filter those ones out should they come but ultimately you are in control of who you talk to and if you decide to take things further.

Likewise, should you take things further and it doesn't feel right, you are in control and can stop at any time. Just take your time and don't rush, be wary of the ones that want to rush things.

Hi @DesignerStars
I was always feeling the same about getting on the dating apps. Then i hit 40 yrs old (i wanted marriage and kids) i swiped day and night. I maxed out the swipes in the UK and they started showing me guys abroad that's how much i swiped lol! I did meet the one (we literally lived 20 mins from each other) and got married, i wish i had looked sooner. Get on those apps hun ❤ xx

I did it in my early forties and gave up in the end, but if I could go back and do it again I'd write out my dealbreakers and not let go of them, but I had a vague idea of what I didn't want and ended up making ''exceptions'' for men because it seemed fun or they seemed sincere. Big mistake.

The problem with internet dating., you meet somebody and they seem to like you and it feels a lot like real life when you were younger when they liked you and you liked them back and you saw how it went, but it is not like that

If I could go back in time I'd make it clear that I wasn't going to sleep with anybody if there was a chance they were also sleeping with other women or even considering that. If you meet somebody who's serious about you, they'll get that because they won't want to lose you, but the whole cess pit is a pool of chancers now. I was so naive. A couple of times I assumed that they liked me and didn't want to risk messing things up by still looking around. But I was wrong.

If I could go back in time, no matter how many great dates you've been on, I wouldn't sleep with any separated men unless 1) the children knew they were separated and 2) they introduced you to at least one relative/close friend.

Look out for any weirdness with the timings they'll message you. Like if they're free to message you in the day but not in the evening, they could be in a relationship. If they cancel a date at the last minute but want to make another one, still in a relationship.

If they say they don't want a relationship, they don't want a relationship with you - it's important to interpret this correctly. If they ''don't want a relationship'' just give up and say ok, bye.

Don't bother with anybody who lives too far away as when winter comes, you're going to feel differently about going out to meet somebody on a sunny June day to a freezing cold January day.

Because of the nature of online dating, meet them for a coffee after work so that you can assess. Don't let anybody buy you dinner on the first date as I the wrong type of man feels owed a second date and sex if he bought you dinner, even though you didn't set out to get a free dinner and were just getting to know him. Better to have a first date coffee. Or one beer after work. Quick, casual. Ok bye.

Thanks for the advice. It kind of echoes what my friends have said about being in control and not letting it take over your life. I think I'm just worried about getting overwhelmed by it all.

I've got friends (of both sexes) where people on apps have got arsey because they took a few hours to reply to a text or demanding they do video chats on the spot. That just isn't me - ideally I just want to meet a like-minded person in a chilled relaxed way, rather than feeling part of a game.

I am an otherwise confident person and as I said, I have a busy social life but for some reason, this is just making me feel anxious but I know if gives me the best chance of meeting someone in my late thirties.

If you feel like it’s going to be a game, can you go with that feeling but try to find the fun in it? I did it just for fun, many years ago, and ended up marrying the man! But before that I had so many fun dates and met interesting people. My advice would be to be as lighthearted about it as possible, the joy is you don’t owe anyone anything (especially not someone who gets arsey about replies or demands anything at all off you!) and you only need speak to them at all if there’s something about them that piques your interest. Think of it as you going shopping and be picky.
I hope you can find a way to enjoy it!

yeh, absolutely, stay in control, a lot of guys expect you to message them all evening but I'd honestly rather watch youtube clips, read or cook or do yoga or whatsapp a friend. I get no buzz at all out of banal chit chat exchanges with strangers. Maybe after you've met them and you feel some frisson but like messaging strangers all evening/? Mumsnetters are funnier/smarter with no agenda.

So if somebody goes cold on you because you won't spend your evenings messaging them, it seems like a rejection but it's just filtering out the types who expect you to be there for them 24/7. These types can and do often over lap with the ''I don't want a relationship'' brigade.

i was really stupid. Wasted about 18 months of my life wrapped up in this guy who said he didn't want a relationship. He actually did, because we were in one, what he wanted was to owe me nothing. doh. Figured it out eventually.

I'd put in your profile that you don't like to spend all evening on dating apps, you like to see if the people you match with are interested in a coffee and then leave while you get on with your work.

Guy here, 36, I tried online dating on the Guardian for a year when It was around. I didn't enjoy It, lots of ghosting and game playing, but quite honestly, the only way you'll meet someone today, which is pretty depressing. Good luck. Only advice is chat for a while, but then definitely meet in person, a bit nerve racking, but the best approach.