Any advice - friend in abusive situation.

[PunishmentRoundupWithJoon]

Posting on behalf of a friend.

She rushed into a relationship with a (much younger) man (she won't mind me saying this, she agrees it all progressed way too fast). He love bombed her, she fell for it and then they decided to buy a house (after four months...) Since moving in, and during the house buying process, the minor red flags that she ignored have now blossomed and it's looking like he's a real abusive individual. He's been verbally abusive and will deliberately say things to 'wind her up'. She's at the 'walking on eggshells' stage.

He has ADHD and didn't think it necessary to tell her about this before they moved in together. He also lost his job soon after moving in and although he now has another, minimised her valid concerns about how they'd pay the mortgage if he didn't have a job. It sounds to me like he minimises a lot of her concerns.

There's probably a lot more to it, but this friend and I meet only every few months and communicate by text, voice message and calls. The latest one, that prompted me to post here, was when she left a message asking me to be cautious what I say in messages and from her end, she was going to delete messages after reading. And today he called her a cunt and said "get away from me".

Unfortunately, due to now having a mortgage, she can't just leave and they can't sell the house for, I think, six months.

Can anyone give her any advice, via me, that might be helpful? Obviously, I want her to end the fucking relationship, but I'm guessing she doesn't feel safe to do this right now as it's his home too (joint mortgage).

Last message was that she's trembling when she's around him and he"s clicking his fingers when he wants her to do something. FFS.

Any advice at all, I'll pass on or try get her to read this thread. I want to shake her right now for rushing into this but that's not helpful!!

Had to post in two parts as wouldn't post whole thing!

I think Women’s Aid would be a very sensible place to start.

Women's Aid and don't worry about the mortgage.

Yes, have given her the number. She's tried but are either busy or a recorded message. She's at work so it's safe for her to call. Was aware of Womens Aid due to Mumsnet!

She's now revealed that he's threatened to kill her, and her animals. I've told her, get back to her mums, fuck the mortgage for now, keep paying it but just remove herself from that environment. She's a carer and does overnight shifts, so she's ok til tomorrow and then she's taking a client away for a couple of nights.

Can't believe she's in this situaltion.

She needs to ring the police and report the threats so that she is on their radar. Different areas seem to treat things differently so I don't know what they will do, but at least they would know about it.

She could ask for Clare's Law checks on him?

If he's made threats to kill her then he's committed a criminal offence. This means he can be arrested and kept away from the house for up to 28 days via a DVPN even if he's on the mortgage. Although this will rely on your friend telling the police and to some extent supporting their investigation, as well as them doing their job properly.

Slower time and free of police involvement, your friend could also seek a non-molestation order (to keep him away from her) and an occupation order (to determine who stays in the house). The NCDV used to support victims to get these for free but I believe they are now charging, sadly. Rights of Women are a good place to start.

I hope she finds a way out. 💐

@Resilience - thanks for that. Am relaying this information to her. She's really nervous at the moment as she doesn't know what he's capable of and doesn't want to aggravate him if she can avoid it. She's terrified of contacting police, nothing being done and then having to be in the house with him. Personally, I think she should go back to her mums and deal with it from there - but obviously I'm not in her situation.

If he IS arrested, how is she placed for changing the locks? I would imagine this is illegal as he's on the mortgage so half owns the house.

She's spoken to her mortgage advisor, who she's know for years so it also kind of a friend, and she's advised that friend could buy the bastard out for 5,000, so she's looking into ways of doing that. Difficult as she's maxed herself out for the mortgage, but it's an option.

I'm so sorry for what your friend is going through. This kind of situation is all too common and you sound like a great friend for trying to help you through this. Thank you. I can't offer too much advice apart from what I learnt in my divorce. Changing the locks will unfortunately probably not be the best idea as it is illegal however my ex did get away with doing that for years. If she's going through a financially difficult time like I was, this might also help you guys with what she can do in her divorce and how to do it when you don't have the funds for a solicitor. https://iamlip.com/ it's a bunch of free help guides that take you through the process. It helped me understand what was going on, what I could do, and get my divorce when I couldn't afford a solicitor. Wishing you guys all the best, I'm so glad she has help nearby. She deserves way more respect than what he is giving her.

^This is advice for if she is married to this man, but re reading your post now - if she is not married I'm so glad she does not have to go through that process! Wishing you all the best x

These charities may also be useful to her too - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/registered-charities-that-could-help-you/

@Anita848 - thank you so much for your responses. It's a small mercy that she didn't progress to marrying him. Even after a couple of months they were talking about it!

She's 'getting her ducks in a row' as Mumsnet people would say, and I've given her advice that I've picked up from here over the years. I've told her to take her important documents somewhere safe in case he becomes even more spiteful and decides to hide/destroy them.

She seems to have a couple of other people she can talk to and even the bastards sister has told her that if she needs help, to contact her.

Fingers crossed she gets everything sorted sooner rather than later.