Why do I attract this attitude from friends?

[Clingymcclang]

I often see threads here about having a friend who puts them down/messes them around etc. But here's the thing: I have realised that every single one of my friends (I don't have a huge number - 6ish) kinda treats me badly sometimes in their own way. I have a couple who can be a little bossy and undermining, including one who corrects me a lot on things that I am experienced in, involving my job for example. I have one who makes cutting comments now and then about, for example, how I am ageing. I have one who can be extremely negative and cynical about life, but when I say something cynical she gets all "Oh there you go, being all negative again".

All the people I am describing are in general "good" people with other friends who they appear to treat well, and all of them appear to care for me and like me. But these women just seem to feel okay with being their worst selves around me, which they seem more able to control around other people.

I am not a shrinking violet, but am definitely not madly assertive and I can be quite self deprecating. I just wonder what I could be putting out into the atmosphere that allows these friends to trample on me from time to time, and is that I am actually just too sensitive and focus too much on what they say? Does anyone relate? Would really appreciate any views/advice.

I can be quite self deprecating

There you go - that's it. There is a type of person who looks for chinks in other people's armour and exploits them. I think that's what is happening here.

I am not a shrinking violet, but am definitely not madly assertive and I can be quite self deprecating

I think you just answered your own question.

People treat you the way you teach them to, in general. If you treat yourself like you aren't worth much, so will they.

Is there a reason you don't challenge this behaviour? Do you avoid confrontation or worry your friends will fall out with you?

Do you know how to be assertive in a non-confrontational way, or how to be mildly confrontational and just tolerate the knocks? E.g. when a friend corrects you on an area of your work, you could say, 'actually, that's not true in my field/where I work. In fact I/we/the industry standard is...' Or if one of them says you are negative, can you say something like, 'Nonsense. I'm no more negative than anyone else. You had a good moan about X the other day and I didn't pick you up on it. Everyone has the right to a range of opinions, positive and negative.'

I find tone of voice counts for more than actual words. You can disagree strenuously with someone but if you do so in a really reasonable voice with no trace of scorn or exasperation, just conversational exchange, you can be more assertive than usual.

If friends can't tolerate you being assertive, or picking them up on it when they put you down, let them go and make space in life for warmer, more respectful people.

This isn't friendship. I adore my friends and they me and we're nothing but loving and supportive. If a friend though I was being unnecessarily negative, they'd say something like "maybe think of the situation like this..." and help me reframe my thinking. They'd never put me down

That's good advice @TotalOverhaul , thanks. I am very bad (though getting a tiny bit better) at challenging people in the moment. I kind of panic and freeze and think "I will work this out in my head later" and by the time I have realised it's something I should have responded to, the moment has passed.
Not that we can blame everything on childhood, but challenging my mother was always a VERY bad idea that brought scary consequences, and I do wonder if I have carried that with me into relationships with other women, because I take absolutely no crap from my male partner!

I once read that some friends take on the parent role (dominant, planners of things and sneery) and some take on the child role (dismissive, gentle, fun and sometimes weak)

I'm deffo the latter that struggles with friends who are "the parent"

No idea if true or not though

Very interesting theory @FUimananteater . So do you find that you, as the child type, attract the parent type? I do seem to attract friends with strong personalities, as opposed to gentle types, and I am not sure why.

@Clingymcclang I'm not sure actually. I'm part of a group and I'm closer with the other "child" types. The "parent" types dominant everything in a Queen Bee sort of way.

It's quite unhealthy and I've had to distance myself as I don't have the balls to tell the parent to wind her neck in 😂

I know in my heart that I'm a good person and I have achieved well. I don't need anyone to bring me down.

Apparently sometimes "the parent" doesn't react well if "the child" frog leaps in achievement (I.e gets a better job or a pay rise etc!)

Sometimes the backlash is "the parent" being upset that they're becoming "the child"

😂 I have obviously been googling friendship dynamics recently for this exact reason.

Is your friend who criticizes your work qualified in the same area? Have you asked her why she even has an opinion?

Real friends don't behave like this.

Unfortunately you have given off the vibe that it is ok to treat you poorly because you take it.

Work on your assertiveness because until you do you are obviously attracting people like this.

I wouldn't want to spend time with any of those people you describe, so figure out why you do.

I'm so sorry you are treated like this. I agree with the previous response about being assertive and calling them out. I know its probably going to be difficult. The one who comments on your ageing for example. How about replying with "That's not very positive" or similar. I do think if you stand up to them a little more they may be less likely to do it. I would question how good they are as friends to need to behave like this in the first place.

This is all very interesting @FUimananteater, and it resonates - the reason I decided to post today is because I was lectured last night by a friend (parent?!) on an area that I recently achieved a really good qualification in. It does seem with this friend that it’s really important for her that she knows more than me about most topics (she doesn’t, but I’m submissive 🙄).

I wish I knew. I tend to get this from so-called friends too.

She isn’t, but it’s a profession that everyone has an opinion on 😀

I’m sorry you get this too. It’s a bummer, because it can make you cynical about friendship. Are you better than me at challenging this behaviour?

You teach people how to treat you. Enforce your boundaries and let things pan out following that.