Boyfriends children

[Blashed]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for over three years.
He has 3 children i dont have any at present.
During a discussion he made the point that his children will always come first , above me. I dont expect to be put first but at the very least to be put at the same level of priority. Am i being unreasonable to feel upset about this?
Its the first time ive been in a relationship with someone who has kids so this world is pretty new to me. Ive also met them twice.

Good on him, YABU.

My children will always come above any partner. Most parents this will be the case. Partners can come and go, your kids are always in a higher league (for me anyway)

Yes, you are being very unreasonable.

YABU.

In the end, you are a grown-up, an independent adult and can look after yourself. They are children and cannot. They need & rely on their dad.

My most recent boyfriend tried to insist he was as important as my DS and should get equal billing. It just wasn't true. If it came to having to choose, I would choose my ds every time. When he tried to push the issue, I ended it.

DS will be an adult in 3 years time. At that point I will look for another relationship, because my commitment to my child will start to reduce.

Yabvu. You have been in his life for 3 years, his dc will always be in his life. I would never put a partner before my dc, and would not be with a partner if they suggested otherwise.

YABU

Odd you've only met the children twice in three years.

How old are the children? How often does he see them?

If you're comparing priority levels and seeing it as some sort of competition, I don't think you should continue to pursue a relationship with someone who already has kids. Even more so if you want your own.

YABU. You're rightfully lower than them on a priority scale

At least you know the score now

YABU

1000x unreasonable.

Imo depends on how he meant... First as in prioritising their needs and well being? or dc sitting in the front of the car and dictating plans /arrangements you have made.....? Big difference and relevance!

YANBU in that it's a hard thing to hear but he is right

Can't be the second option, she's only met them twice.

I think it depends what you mean by "first". What does that mean to you, @Blashed ?

The hierarchy I think is reasonable is:
Children's needs (because they need help to achieve them); then
Adult's needs; then
Everyone's wants (roughly equally, given you can't do everything).

If you mean how much someone loves someone else - I don't think it's relevant as there's not a finite quantity of love, nor is love for a partner the same as for children.

I do always wonder whether there is a difference in views between parents who are still together, & so their relationship predates the kids, and parents who are with other partners who came after the kids. I think there is a difference, though I'm not sure theoretically it's reasonable.

However, you raise your kids to grow up and forge their own (independent, adult) lives, whereas I intend for my partner to be a lifetime companion, so I think it changes over time.

Adult children's needs no longer come first by default, and as they grow, there's a gradual transition as they are taking more responsibility for themselves, which starts when they are still children, it isn't a sudden step change at 16 or 18...

This is a topic that pretty much always gets very black and white responses on MN though, and anyone suggesting that children aren't the absolute priority for all time usually gets short shrift.

Ultimately - everyone's entitled to their own relationship boundaries, and if he can't offer what you need, you either accept what he offers or find someone who offers what you need - but being upset about something he's unlikely to change might make you quite unhappy and resentful over time.

What caused the comment?

I don't know if there is a hard & fast rule. For example, his children have a parents evening on your birthday...he would have to priortise them ahead of you and hope he could still make your birthday special.

However you are admitted to hospital and he has parents evening...he should focus on you .

What @Foggyfoggyfoggy said.
Regardless of what relation you are to your partner/spouse, you should always have their back unless yabu.
Same goes for a parent.
The relationship between a parent and child is not the same as a relationship between two partners or spouses.
You are a parent for life.

You've only met them twice in 3 years?

Well the good news is that you aren't replacement baby mama.

The bad news is he just isn't that into you.

I mean either that or he actually never has his kids. Hense why you never meet them. And that would mean even though he's a shit dad he still wants you to know you mean even less to him than they do.

@Blashed , What do you want from the relationship? Where do you see it going? Do you want children of your own?

Would a man who already has 3 children, presumably of school age, want to start again with a baby? Why is he no longer with the mother(s)?

Against the grain here but no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Wants and needs should be considered based on the situation. A child's needs will normally always trump an adults/partners but I wouldn't expect an adults wants to always come behind a child's.