What do you think i should do here?

[Loubelle70]

Hi everyone
I hope you can give me a little advice.
I was in an abusive relationship, very abusive, for 25 years. I have been single for 3 years. I have started dating a little again.
My abusive ex expected me to plan every single thing in our lives, he never once planned 1 event. I also initiated everything, sex, cuddles etc. He never initiated.

Ive been on a date with a guy, similar age, we knew each other a little beforehand. Hes not what id normally go for, but i thought , going for my sort hasn't done me any favours , so you know, why not.
Because i knew him a little, we did talk about why our previous relationship finished. I stated that i wouldnt want a partner whom didnt plan dates or initiated anything because i was tired with it in previous. He said he understood that and would never do it.

I organised first date (well, are you free thursday to go out) because at time i thought unfair if he didn't know my history of me deciding not to initiate. So told him on first date im old fashioned and would like the man to ask for initial dates first. He agreed.

Fast forward, hes been texting for nearly 2 week after first date and hasn't asked me for 2nd date. Hes shy but i think if he likes me he will ask considering what i told him in first date. He does like me, keeps asking if im busy, just ask me when im available fcol and go from there!. I refuse to ask for a 2nd date, im not starting as i mean to go on.

I text him yesterday to say, tbh im not a massive texter (im not), i think it can be lazy communication, i would rather talk. The texts were quite mundane. All he said was 'i agree, i get mardy texting all time too' ... i said im not mardy about it, i like proper communication, mobiles are good and bad. Odd text yes, not all day.

Hes still texting, not as much thankfully, but the texts are still 'had a good day?' . Im bored with the texting. I don't want to remind him what i said or to ask me on a 2nd date as i had this with ex which allowed him to do nothing and me pick up the slack?.

What should i do?

I'm sorry but you've picked another lazy, selfish bugger. Move on, he's not worth the head space.

Thankyou. I am a busy person .. i tell him if im busy if he asks but because im busy why doesn't he say tell me when youre free and possibly another date? Wtf is wrong with them? Lol. Wheres the initiative and motivation?

I think youre right, ive been out of dating a long time 28 year , but i know what i dont want, and hes aware of that.
I think i need to text him, im not happy he hasnt asked considering we chatted about initiating...but its only been 1 date so dont want to be heavy. has anyone any idea of what i should say? Thanks @INeedAnotherName

Same past experience as you, although I'm the guy in the situation. I am also fairly shy, not as much as I was when younger that got me into that mess, but pretty quiet. However, should I like someone and be interested, I generally like to meet them and would organise a date and talk in person and on the phone.

Sounds like you got a plodder or he's lazy with it perhaps.

He's not the one for you.

Thankyou @Catsafterme . Its nice to hear the possible other side of it. Its lovely you went outside your comfort zone. I understand shyness, but also understand that even if shy, someone will ask you it if they want to see you again? Texting also is easier way of doing it surely?.
I think hes a plodder, ty. I haven't energy for a plodder 🤣

I think so too now @ItsNotRocketSalad . Im new back to dating so a little rusty. I understand. X

No harm in giving him a nudge or saying something like " as you've not initiated a 2nd date, I think it's time I moved on". He will either agree or arrange a date - after giving some sort of excuse as to why he hasn't yet. Then you will know rather than waiting on him.

I'd tell him that you're not feeling a connection as he seems satisfied to only text and not organise a date or a meet up, and you're after a more interactive relationship.

I don't think you're compatible.

Haha, yeah well that backfired in a monumental way but, lesson learned.

Yes, I mean for me anyway I would, I enjoy getting to know people I'm interested in. I can talk to most people one on one it's groups I struggle with. Text is way easier too, phone calls I'm not as keen on because I find it odd and would prefer in person but I still do it...just have to lol.

Problem comes if you're too shy, nothing will ever move and honestly you don't want that you'll be organizing everything and likely be trying to get them out of their shell.

@Catsafterme 😂.
Yes, as much as i have empathy (i was so shy as a child it was excruciating), i cant keep guiding these men, im tired you know. I grew up and thought, im missing out here, so i changed, now you cant shut me up 🤣🤣.
'Problem comes if you're too shy, nothing will ever move and honestly you don't want that you'll be organizing everything and likely be trying to get them out of their shell.'. Yes i cant do that anymore. I want a man who , initially makes dates (after that im cool with taking it in turns to plan'). Ive just not found that yet. Theres time, im not desperate, im ok on my own or with someone.

Thankyou for your replies, insightful.. especially trying to get them out of their shell. Im just exhausted thinking about it. De ja vu x

@Catsafterme would you have any suggestions of the content of the 'sorry but youve not asked for another date in 2 weeks so...' or is that too heavy. I need to send it. Im too old to be hanging around waiting. Xx

I think you need to be direct at this point.
Do you plan on asking me out on another date?

@Loubelle70 Yeah that's what I was like, I barely spoke and was self conscious. I did back along think fuck it and came out but then I got trapped in an abusive marriage that recently ended but it's now post separation abuse. So on one hand, I stepped out but that calm quiet side of me was easy pickings I guess. Now, I've changed slightly I'm still calm and quiet but I have a backbone and boundaries.

You could pressure without arranging yourself, say something like 'so, you wanna meet up at some point or?' And then leave it in his court to respond to that and for him to arrange. If he dances around it or tries to push the decision back on you say 'im happy to let me know what you have in mind'.

Ty Oysterbabe. But do you think that's me initializing again? Which is what im avoiding xx

@Catsafterme yes sadly because we are vulnerable at points, some will take advantage and be abusive because we are a little blindsided. They also see we are kind etc. Im glad youve upped the boundaries and strengthened that backbone. I have too.
In regards to 'so, you wanna meet up at some point or' ...dont you think thats me initializing again in a way? Because he will say yes, but i dont want to be going through this before every date, if you get me?
Xx

No, just leave it. He's telling you what he's like! He'll agree to anything and not do it. You don't want someone like that. So just ignore him from now on. You might find this as you withdraw. He becomes more eager but that's not what you want anyway.

Stick to your guns, you've given him enough opportunities, time for the it's not working for me text

Im usually forthright tbh. Im very rusty in dating 🥴. Xx

True, seeing the good in people is hard.

Yeah, suppose it could be. Unless you slip in that you have free time at some point, not specifically for him...see if he makes a move on that opportunity.

This is the problem though, he's either shy or just wants someone to chat with and nothing more.

If he wanted to spend more time with you he would plan dates and ask you out.

Sorry, OP, but your picker is broken. He's not a keeper.

@Opentooffers @determinedtomakethiswork @NotNowGertrude and everyone ive not answered. Thankyou for posting, ive been mulling it over for a few days not knowing what to say or do. I am going to text him tomorrow (2 week deadline) and say it was nice to go out on the first date i suggested but considering youve not asked me out on another date for 2 week, its best we stay friends (hes someone i know and a friend of a relative so will see him about). Someone posted, he may backtrack and say would you like to go out and when are you free? But i do think, is this going to be every time, you know.
Is that too strong the text?

Personally - i’d be a bit more direct and not talk about ‘being friends’….
I’d just say:

Had a good time on our first date. But am not interested in endless texting. Since you didn't ask about second date, i am going to assume you aren't interested.
See you around

I think what you plan to text him is good.

Generally speaking people make the most effort in the beginning, so if he can't be bothered to arrange things now, it's not going to get better. You made your expectations very clear (good for you!) so he knew the drill and he hasn't made the effort.

He may backtrack and come back with excuses like "so sorry I've just been really busy yada yada yada", to which I'd suggest to reiterate "I don't think this is going to work so I don't wish to go on another date". I'm sure he'll have his excuses but it's likely to be like this every time if you give him another chance.

@MMmomDD @yellowsmileyface and everyone else 😊.
You lot are amazing! Thankyou for all your replies.
Im going to send a text that encompasses Mmomd and what yellow smiley face said. Im not going on another date with him. Its too late now.
I have just text a guy i have known since kids, he's lovely. Seen him yesterday locally. We said we would organise a drink and catch up so we are going on a drink and catch up, not a date per se. He actually text yesterday first , lovely to see you and definitely we should go for a drink. I cant be hanging around forever. So i thought , why not. The text guy isnt fast enough to organise for me.

Thankyou everyone. Your all stars ⭐
Xxx