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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dont really have a relationship with my older brother and its his sons christening in a couple of weeks.....i really dont want to go

24 replies

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 14:55

it may sound really horrible of me but i just cant be bothered going there when we aren't close...i didnt even see him over xmas or anything.We have never been close, there is a 14 year age gap between us,but i expected things to be differant when my other brother died,i thought it might bring us closer but that wasnt the case.I have tried to instigate a relationship with him, and have made the effort to see him and his children but he never seems to give a shit.My mum wont understand but i do not want to pretend to give a shit anymore

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Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 14:59

should i go???

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hanaflower · 03/03/2008 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 03/03/2008 15:01

Depends if there's free drink or not Will it be an awful hassle to go ie is it miles of travelling, or is there something you'd rather be doing on the day? It's probably slightly better to go if it isn't too much trouble to do so as it makes you look more mature and dignified than if you behave in a way that could be seen as sulky.

posieflump · 03/03/2008 15:03

well he has invited you so obviously he does give a shit surely?

Tanee58 · 03/03/2008 15:03

Hi Fawkeoff, if you're not close to your brother and you don't want to go, then don't. Just send a nice card and maybe a small, inexpensive gift. Otherwise, if he's never made the effort to be close, I wouldn't bother. The older I get, the more I feel that life's too short to do things we don't want to do or see people who don't care about us.

(says she who has just turned 50 and is planning to have a ball from now on instead of agonising about people who disappoint)

jumpingbeans · 03/03/2008 15:05

Tanee58, you took the words out of my mouth

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 15:06

i understand, the thing is i am not bitter or resentful about the situation, i have just simply given up caring...i know people will think i am a bitch for not going, but i dont really care....i wasnt even invited to his first sons christening because me and my mum had a fallout at the time, it had nothing to do with him but i was very hurt at the time.

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Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 15:07

posie my cousin is having a joint christening with him, i got the initial invite off her

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SheWillBeLoved · 03/03/2008 15:07

If you don't want to pretend to give a shit anymore, then don't go. But realize that you're potentially shutting yourself out of your nephews life, aswell as your brothers.

Sit down with him, invite him round one afternoon before the Christening and tell him you very nearly decided not to go because you don't feel close enough to him and see what he has to say.

8/10 in the cases of someone feeling like the other person can't be arsed, the other person feels like you can't be arsed either, hence why they don't bother. But you won't know unless you talk. If there's a big age gap, and he's your brother, not sister, then it's only natural to not be amazingly close. But even though you might not be close, it's still nice to know each other are 'there', if that makes sense.

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 15:08

tanee thankyou i have already bought the gifts and i may well just give them to my mum and get her to pass them on

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madamez · 03/03/2008 15:08

Well don't you want to go for your cousin's benefit? If she invited you, then presumably she gives a shit whether you are there or not.

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 15:11

when my nephew was born in november i made the effort to go round with a present for him, i bought my older nephew a gift so that he wasnt left out...he didnt know who i was and called me lady....i looked after their dog for 2 weeks because my mum couldnt do it at the last minute...i got no thanks at all and havent heard off him since.I understand that i sound like a moaning bitter hag but i am just tired of it all

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Tanee58 · 03/03/2008 16:32

Fawkeoff, how close are you to your cousin? If her child is also being christened, and she invited you, do you think that maybe you should show up on her behalf?

It's just a thought - doing it for your cousin, not your brother.

I appreciate SheWillbeLoved's comment that to drop your brother will shut you out from your nephews' lives also, but it sounds like you've not been particularly included anyway, except when they (the parents) need something from you. Maybe I'm a hard bitch too - but I wouldn't like it if my sis treated me as a dogsitter or if my nephew and neice only knew me as 'the Lady'!

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 16:39

Me and my cousin used to be close when we were younger,we hardly see each other now though...her son was also born in november and i went round and bought her a gift.The thing is none of my mothers side of the family have ever taken the time to visit me....unless they have wanted something,and i am passed being upset about it but i honestly cannot be bothered to pretend to be apart of their lives when im not.

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Tanee58 · 03/03/2008 17:16

Hmm - that sounds normal. My mum's side of my family are very close and lovely people, and most of us keep in touch even though we live 1000s of miles apart.

My father's family are different - his siblings fought as children and though they're too old to fight, we only get invites when there are weddings pending - probably so they will get lots of pressies. I always send a nice polite card and decline the invite (no pressie) as I really can't be bothered with people who only want to show off how rich and successful they are, and what lovely rich and successful people their children are marrying!

Yeah, I'm a mean bitch !

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 17:22

yeah i know its pretty normal, just didnt think it was so normal to have this kind of relationship with my brother when nothing has actually happened between us for it to be like this...i actually think my mum sectretly enjoys this as she seems to think there is sibling rivalry going on, which is not the case on my behalf anyway.

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Tanee58 · 03/03/2008 17:36

Why on earth would your mother enjoy this? Does she LIKE the idea of sibling rivalry? Did she treat any of you differently as children/adults, that might cause it on their side, even if you have risen above it?

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 17:38

by the time i was 4 my brother was living at my grandmothers,think that was due to lack of room in the house,and from what i gather my grandparents pretty much raised him.I just dont know????.

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madamez · 03/03/2008 18:46

Well there is no reason why you should be compelled to continue a relationship with people who you don't care for, or who make you unhappy: just because someone is a blood relative doesn't automatically mean they will be good to you (severe abuse takes place in plenty of families). But what do you actually want to happen, Fawkeoff? Do you want these people out of your life forever?

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 03/03/2008 20:03

To be truly honest i dont know if i want them out of my life forever.....forever is a long time, but what do i do when i am left to instigate having a relationship all the time and they dont really care????.I have wanted a relationship with my brother for the 4 years...my twin brother died just over 4 years ago,i have tried to be closer to him since then seeing as he is the only brother i have left....and im pretty damn sure its not the age gap as i have a cousin who i love with all my heart, she is more of a sister to me,and she is the same age as him, maybe we are just too differant to ever have a relationship that i want????

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Tanee58 · 05/03/2008 14:47

Hi Fawkeoff, sorry I haven't been around since Monday.

I suspect your older brother doesn't feel close to you because of being raised separately. That's so sad for both of you and I am SO sorry about your twin. I wonder if your mother feels some guilt about not having been able to keep him with her. Probably lots going on there.

If he doesn't FEEL that he's your brother, and if no one tried to bridge that gap through your childhoods, there's probably little that you can do to force the feeling now. And a 14 year age gap is a big one between siblings (though it was probably quite common and not such a problem in the past). Do you think he resents the fact that you only seemed to want to become close to him after you lost your twin? Or that he was sent away to live with grandparents when you and your twin were toddlers and remained with your parents? It's possible that he may feel 'used'. Have you tried talking to him about this, and about the fact that you would like to bridge the years and draw closer to him?

Sorry if this is painful - I'm just trying to see what this may seem like from his point of view.

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 05/03/2008 15:37

hi tanee...i dont think that he resents my mum for him living with my grandparents,i think he resents the fact that she let them raise him because it suited her.I have tried to have a relationship with him before our brother died,i just tried to instigate it more because off losing him.Our grandparents lived at the back of our house so it's not like he was a million mies away from us.We dont share the same father,and my mother has never tod anybody who his father is...so i know that he resents her for that also.I just feel sad about it more than anything,and maybe he thinks i had a better upbringing than him....which isnt really true.

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Tanee58 · 05/03/2008 16:16

That IS sad - and maybe there's a lot that he's bottling up. As you don't want to lose him, would it be worth trying to talk to him? Is he approachable or does he find it difficult to discuss his feelings?

Original poster

FAWKEOFF · 05/03/2008 18:55

He is very subdued when it comes to showing emotions....i know what you mean about sitting down and talking to him, but it is difficult to do that.....it's almost like getting a stranger to open their heart to you....if you get what i mean????
My upbringing wasn't any easier than his...my parents seperatedd when i was very young, and my mother was and still is a very selfish woman, even though i love her to bits....as a mother she is pretty shit.she does have a lot to answer for about things she shouls and shouldnt have done, but in my eyes she already knows this so there is no point in me making her feel any guiltier.
anyway i have some thinking to do about the whole situation thanks for getting back to me

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