When the truth is confirmed it still hurts.

[BlastedPimples]

How do I get to the stage of meh? I hate my stbxh and his recent admission and confirmation of his adultery throughout our marriage. He was and is just not bothered about its effects on me. Just doesn't give a shit. Felt entitled to go out and shag whenever he wanted.

22 years of marriage. Much of my life wasted on this twat of a man.

I want to hurt him so badly. I want him to feel the pain I do. He never will though because I think he isn't capable of feeling anything. Doesn't actually care at all at my trauma and distress. Not that I present him with it but it's just the constant lying, reeling me back in over the years.

I'm so angry I don't know where to put it all.

I'm 52 now. I don't think I will meet anyone else bad nor do I think I could have the courage to meet someone else anyway because I would not be able to trust again.

I feel ruined and broken.

Hugs. That kind of sustained treatment from the person you trusted is really hard to understand.
But, it's not your fault, it's his personality. Take some comfort in knowing that you're only really responsible for your own behaviour.
Take care of yourself and take time to reflect, but maybe not to try and find a reason for any of this - you can't really unpick his behaviour.
Do you have friends or family you can talk to?

What kind of personality does that? I mean someone who has zero sense of right or wrong?

How do I get past it without being consumed with rage?

I’m not surprised. What a dick. It’s all a reflection on him not you.

Nothing you do will make him feel your pain, and focusing on this will give you more pain.

Somehow you need to turn to the future.

I know this is a MN cliche, but could you see a counsellor to help you work through your feelings - you do need to do this in order to be able to move forward. It’s going to take time, but having someone to work with will help.

In the meantime can you just get some nice things in the diary?

You're right to be angry. Breaking up from a long term relationship is bound to bring complicated feelings.
Some people have very different moral compasses and sense of entitlement. Doesn't make it ok by any means.

It's a cliche but the best revenge is living well. My ex narc absolutely hates the fact I don't give a shit about him and have created a great life for myself and DD14.

I can't live well. I have a patchy career. Will face poverty. Will not and don't want to meet anyone else. Feel very depressed and unable to function properly. I'd love to live well. Move on. He assaulted me too last year.

OP I'm sorry you have had such a shit time, he sounds horrific. I would definitely try and get some counselling if you can. Anger is totally understandable, it's part of processing your feelings but you will need to get past that at some point to be able to focus on your future.

If you are feeling depressed please also speak to your GP, nothing wrong with antidepressants they can be really useful sometimes.

The only revenge in your gift is getting control of your life.

Hi OP. sorry youve been subjected to this abuse.
I had similar, extended porn use and escalated to webcam girls and he met up with some..so obviously thats where his money went. I had massive betrayal trauma. Ptsd still. 25 years i was with him. 3 years separated now.
I work for women's aid, please ring them regarding the assault, also the psychological abuse. Theyre very supportive. I work there.
I understand your feelings..i was/still am going through it. Prolonged abuse takes a long time to recover from.
Im also in my 50s.
Could you start to put little bits of money aside secretively so you can make your exit?
Ive just started going on the odd date, im tentative but trying the open up a little. Theres benefits until you are on your feet, and maybe volunteering somewhere? Xxx

I have some similar anger.

Now and then I indulge myself and imagine acting out some petty revenge. But that’s all I do.

I remind myself I am the better person, and the living your best life etc.

I have seen a therapist and I am trying journaling at the mo. The idea is if you do a brain dump onto paper, it dampens down the thoughts swirling and ricocheting in your head.

Get some counseling to help you process it x

Oh we are getting divorced. No question. Well along that road.

I just lost it when he admitted his affairs. One of them was with a 24 year old woman during lockdown (he would have been 45) whilst I looked after his father for 12 weeks in another country.

He didn't flicker or flinch. He is just beyond any sense of right or wrong.

My ex did this. Completely dead pan' i dont give a sh*t ' face. Its destroying, no talking with them. Hes moved on and treating you badly so you end it via divorce. Cowardly.

All I can tell you is that my SIL, known as Poisonous for very good reason, managed to make BIL incredibly upset despite his initial attitude simply by looking and sounding happy.

Don't get me wrong, having been othered by them both for decades I dislike the pair of them quite intensely, but I have been bemused by how quickly "who gives a fuck what you think?" turned into "she ruined my life and just laughs at me"

Maybe fake it until you make it, as the glib saying goes.

Best if luck with that!

I think it is normal to feel angry - anyone would. Get it out of your system.
did you report the assault?
you know being happy is more about being content with yourself. Enjoy the simple things in life, a walk in the woods, pottering in the garden, your favourite music, a slice of yummy cake, cooking the most delicious meal. All of that is at your disposal. See if you can pop a few things in the diary with friends or family so you have things to keep focussed on and look forward to. Take each day as it comes. Try your best not to focus on your ex as you are far more important.

If he is sociopathic or a narc (or both) then you just have to accept they are empty shells of human beings.

They have no empathy.

I did actually end up feeling sorry for my ex a tiny weeny bit....he will never understand love. Never see the joy of how amazing our DD14 is.

But it took me several years to get to that point OP, in the meantime I focussed on my own recovery, my DD and my job...and those people around me who are actually worth my time and thoughts.

I think he loves his dcs.

He's desperate to see them. They've not been keen because of his appalling behaviour. They've just agreed to start seeing him again after nearly a year. They were / are so disgusted by his behaviour. But it's all about him. Always has been and always will be.

He's definitely a dark personality but don't know what kind.

I don't know how to live a good life. How to get there. I just feel shit all the time.

You’re bound to feel awful. However you’re a decent person, you can move on and make a success of future relationships (and I don’t mean just romantic) whereas he doesn’t have the capacity to. In the long run you’ll be the one better off.

Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape.

What do I do with my rage?

The best advice I ever heard on anger ( sadly too late for me) was 'listen to your anger and steward it wisely.'

Its ok to feel anger and rage. Allow that whilst you need it. When you need to move past it, slowly start to re-direct yourself more and more to other thoughts.

You are getting divorced. I guess that is you first major step in stewarding your anger well.

Op- you will 100% get to a place where you won't care if he's dead or alive never mind feels pain or not. Don't waste energy wanting him to feel this or that.

I know this because my ex also cheated the entirety of our 'marriage' starting when I was pregnant.

One thing that upset me about your post is that you feel you won't be able to trust again. Why is that? Do you think all men behave like this? They do NOT. There are decent men who just want to see out their days peacefully with their wives. I found one and chances are, so will you. Yes in your early 50's!!

Exactly as mine behaved. If I was angry with anyone it was myself for being a bad judge of character. It will take time to sink in that the person you chose is an arsehole but it will and you just won't care anymore.

I feel traumatised too. Can't stop crying.

When he was cheating and I didn't know it at the time, he was just so bitchy, malicious and unpleasant. Would rage. His behavior was really nasty. This was several episodes. Every family holiday photo I look at is tainted because of his behaviour.

And then I would say I wanted a divorce and he would promise to change, reel me back in.

Now he says he married the wrong person, he only stayed for the dcs etc. Wtf?

I've got to be present whilst he sees two of younger dcs because of his previous behaviour. I have to make sure they're safe.

I just can't see a way out. I can't see peace of mind. I can't get there. I hate feeling like a victim and it's my own stupid fault.

As a start read Love yourself like your life depends on it. Work through the exercises and do them regularly, some need doing very regularly.

Fake happiness when you see him. Big smiles etc. A previous poster mentioned this and it’s true, people like him will find it annoying. Which may make you feel a little better.

List 20 things you enjoy and try and do 3 a day.

Gratitude journal - again it does work

OP, just wanted to say solidarity.

I am 2 years and 3 months out of my marriage. The first 18 months were hell. I was consumed with rage and had no idea how to get past it.

Time helps, therapy helps, friends helped. But really, why the hell would you NOT feel rage? He has behaved horribly. It's abusive and he has harmed you and there has been no accountability or retribution.

You will get past it but it takes time. Allow yourself to feel it. Don't fear it (and don't do anything that could land you in trouble.)

I don't want to meet anyone either but life is starting to feel worth living again.

If you want to PM me, feel free.

Take care.