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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What's "normal"?

13 replies

alifeunexpected · 10/09/2023 09:16

Straight into it - how often do you all have sex with your DH, & how long have you been together?

I work full time, huuuuge mental load between work, life admin & our 6yo DS - the responsibility of everything is very heavily on my shoulders.

I love my DH very much, & he's a good dad. We've had some tough times during the almost 10yrs we've been together, & I think it's taken a toll on me/us, for sure.

Sex isn't a priority for me, & if I'm honest, some of the stuff in the past, & things that are going on now, don't really encourage me to be intimate with him. We're very affectionate, but I just can't be bothered with sex. It's more of an issue for him. I realise we're a bit disconnected, but it's not like I want to leave or anything.

I just want to know what's "normal", sex wise, in a long term relationship.

OP posts:

PlasticPotPlant · 10/09/2023 14:47

There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ amount of sex, it’s very individualized to couples, and the amount is only a problem when there is a mismatch in desire for sex between the couple, which sounds like it might be the case in your relationship.

I would never encourage someone to have sex when they don’t want to, but I’d definitely encourage a friend to try and think about why they don’t want to and what they could change to want to if they are in a relationship with someone who does want to.

Can you talk about it with your partner? Better to try and address it early than wait until it becomes a big problem.

Beartotread · 10/09/2023 21:53

Previous post is correct. I have been with my partner over 40 years. Her desire for sex has declined due to arthritis. She has so many aches and pains. She is on a pain relief scheme from the GP. I have to accept my lot as I love her and she adores me. I would like more intimacy but there is no way I would force her.

category12 · 10/09/2023 21:58

& if I'm honest, some of the stuff in the past, & things that are going on now, don't really encourage me to be intimate with him.

Is this behaviour of his that is upsetting you or past things he has done that are unresolved for you? I don't think it's surprising not to want sex with someone you resent a bit, if that's the case? Maybe you need to address these issues together.

Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 22:01

Beartotread · 10/09/2023 21:53

I have arthritis, fibromyalgia etc. Ilin pain constantly...sex does cause delayed pain but there's more to sex than intercourse. Intimacy is different to sex. Build the intimacy and talk to your wife about gentler forms of sexual contact. X

Original poster

alifeunexpected · 11/09/2023 15:20

Thanks all, I really appreciate your responses & you all give very valid points.

I do need to talk to my partner but every time we get into discussion about us, well...doesn't end well. He doesn't do well with discussion - he's very tit for tat. It's the easier option to say nothing, & yes, I realise that if we don't talk it isn't going to get any better.

OP posts:

category12 · 11/09/2023 15:33

Perhaps you could try relationship counselling. (Although if there's abuse of any sort (emotional etc), it's not a good idea to have joint counselling.)

Original poster

alifeunexpected · 11/09/2023 15:40

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned resentment. I feel like I can't resent him if I love him, but I guess I do a bit. It's all to do with how our life has panned out, & the fact a lot rests on my shoulders. I feel like I'm more supportive of him than he is of me, I'm more affectionate towards him than he is to me, I'm more considerate of him than he is of me... Life feels really tough right now, & the extra pressure of how much sex we're having is unhelpful at best.

If he took more off my plate, & made things easier for me (like I do for him), I might be more "up for it"...

OP posts:

VeridicalVagabond · 11/09/2023 15:50

There is no normal, there's just functional and dysfunctional, imo.

Functional is when both parties are satisfied with the amount of intimacy. I don't think perfect equilibrium is likely, sometimes one will want more and one will want less, but as long as it's generally satisfying for both, all is well.

Dysfunctional would be a huge disconnect in desire for intimacy (for instance one person desiring it daily, the other wanting it twice a year at most).

It varies in importance from person to person, I certainly wouldn't stay in a marriage where one person got to decide sex wasn't important for both of us. But I pull my weight in my marriage, your husband doesn't sound like he does.

In your case it's not about the sex. It almost never is. You're feeling unfulfilled in the relationship and overburdened, not a good foundation for desiring intimacy. I feel for you, having a partner you can't talk to properly makes resolving problems together very difficult. Have you considered counselling just to have a neutral party help guide the conversation so you don't get bogged down in tit for tat?

Original poster

alifeunexpected · 11/09/2023 15:56

Thank you VV - I would have counselling, yes, I'm just a bit worried about how the conversation would go at home, afterwards, without the neutral party.

I'm trying not to give specifics as I wouldn't want to be identifiable, but yes, I am overburdened, & at first I made allowances but as time is going on & the more tired & overburdened I get, I'm struggling to make the same allowances.

OP posts:

category12 · 11/09/2023 18:36

alifeunexpected · 11/09/2023 15:56

Thank you VV - I would have counselling, yes, I'm just a bit worried about how the conversation would go at home, afterwards, without the neutral party.

The way I interpret what you're saying here, is that he would punish you afterwards if you went to counselling.

If that's a fair assessment, then perhaps you ought to be more thinking about the bigger picture of the relationship and actually whether it's worth saving. Because if you have to tip-toe around your partner and constantly manage him, it's not a good relationship, and it's not more sex you need.

Hawkins0009 · 11/09/2023 18:44

from reading on here, its a mixed match of different sessions

Original poster

alifeunexpected · 11/09/2023 18:55

Thanks category12 - punish is probably a bit strong, but more that I wouldn't want to have a counselling session, & then come home & everything be picked apart & gone over again, & again, & again.

I don't believe there's anyone else "better" out there for me & our son, I just wish things were a whole lot different. I am treading on eggshells because I don't want an unhappy home. Neither of us could afford a household on our own the way mortgage rates are & ultimately being without him would make my life harder.

I do love him, & I want everything to be better. It's just hard.

OP posts:

category12 · 11/09/2023 19:02

then come home & everything be picked apart & gone over again, & again, & again.
That sounds a lot like punishment to me 😂

You're treading on eggshells because of the way he reacts to challenge. You ought to be able to have an adult conversation about your relationship issues.

It shouldn't be that the only way to keep the peace at home is for you to take on more than your share and avoid anything that might set him off. It's massively unhealthy if not potentially emotionally abusive/controlling.

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