How do I get my siblings to want to see me...?

[Sooootired]

Feeling sad today...I have a sister and brother, both live fairly near and I used to see them quite a lot. Then I had kids and realised that actually, I saw them quite a lot because I was always happy to make the effort and used to pop round frequently(not that I minded, not that great an effort, they are only a few miles away.)But now I have twins, aged 18 months and getting out of the house can be a challenge....and I can go two months without either brother or sister visiting, should I not make it over to them. I have spoken to both of them in different ways, saying Im hurt they dont visit (sister has plenty of time for her best mate for instance) and both say I've not done anything, that there no issues they havent told me etc, they're just busy, but nothing changes. Things have got worse because, if Im honest, I am sulking a bit and so no longer make as much effort myself. I don't suppose they actually notice so counterproductive really. And to really rub my face in it, sister has just announced she is getting married and wants a small do and so has only invited her partners family to the celebration...then says she hopes Im not offended. Yeah, right. But, to end my ramble, what do I do? It really upsets me and I know I should just let them go psychologically, accept the relationships are never going to be how I want. But how exactly do I do this...?

Try to fill your life with other things. You cannot force someone to have a close relationship with you if they don't want to, and trying only makes you unhappy.

it is always hard when your expectations of people don't match up to the reality (have been there with my ILs)

people do have busy lives and if you have asked them straight out then i think you may have to accept that the relationship is not going to be how you envisioned

it is hurtful to be excluded from a wedding when your sister's partner's family are all being invited - that seems very harsh

it does seem harsh about the wedding do. i would be upset too.

Soootired, I'm so sorry to hear this. It does sound strange and I too would be very upset, that your sister is inviting her partner's family, but none of her own. Has she said why she's doing this? Is she inviting your brother? However, if that's her attitude, then nothing you can do will change that - it's a sad fact that some families are just closer than others and we cannot compel people to be what we would wish. My sis and I get on well, but we don't speak on the phone regularly or see each other as often as I'd like. However, I know people whose families are in and out of each others' houses all the time - and some who are SO close that they really find their families too interfering!

So I also think it might be best if you concentrate on your own family and find things and other people to fill your time and emotions. Have you friends who could fill the emotional space your siblings have left? Or your partner?

i understand how ur feeling, i have instigated a relationship with my brother for years, to be honest i dont care anymore, i am done with giving a shit....maybe you need to do the same x

Thanks for the replies...Tanee, sister hasn't invited brother either, they aren't emotionally close at all as it happens, tho brother is quite offended about it. Yes, do need to concentrate on other things...I think the reason its bothering me so much at the mo is because Im struggling with frienships at the mo too, I seem to have been similarly dropped by friends since I had the children....same reason, I used to be the one who did the travelling/visiting and I don't seem to get the same back now its harder for me. Wierd. Clearly I shot myself in the foot by being so willing to do the leg work before.

Fawkeoff...I aspire to that attitude! Still too wimpy about it at the mo.

Sootired, I too found I lost touch with a lot of friends too when DD was born - I couldn't get out into town anymore, and though some of them made the effort to come out to my home, but then had children of their own and got similarly housebound!

I can only promise you it will get better - can your partner or someone do babysitting so you can get out to visit old friends? Later, you may meet people at playgroups etc - or join any baby and toddler clubs. When they start school, make sure you join the PTA - that was when my social life revived, and I still have friends from the PTA even though all our kids have left their junior school. Or see if there are any Mumsnet groups in your area.

And it seems like your sister has decided to distance herself from her family - for whatever reason - so sorry - but it'll be her loss in the end.

I think the truth is that lots of sibling relationships are like this. The fact of the matter is that your family is your partner and children now, so focus on them - they're the ones who really count. You can't change them or make them make the effort, so I guess you have got two choices - either say you want to have a relationship and accept the fact that that will mean that it will probably be you making all of the effort all of the time. Or decide that you're not that bothered with the relationship and keep up a nominal relationship with them.

Whichever one you decide, make that decision based on what is best for you and your family and then I think you will feel happier with whatever outcome you decide upon.

HTH