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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My(30f) husband (41m) gives his mother access to his bank accounts/finances

36 replies

Thebigquestions · 10/09/2023 07:26

I am recently married and I just learned that my husbands mother has access to his bank accounts and is monitoring his spending. We haven’t joined bank accounts yet, I merely haven’t gotten to organizing how I wanted to do it and we rarely have weekdays off together, so I never pushed it. We’re about to close on a home purchase, and I am also 9 weeks pregnant. His mother is also our realtor, so she in involved in every aspect of the home buying process as well. Last week we had to go to the furniture store with his mother so she can help him decide how we are going to decorate our home which caused an argument. He said he gave his mother access to his bank accounts so she could budget for him because he says “he’s bad with money”. I was unaware this involved literally looking at every purchase he makes and monitoring it and choosing how he spends his money for him. He believes there’s no issue with this, and I informed him I am uncomfortable with it and want it to stop. His response was “well I asked you if you wanted to combine accounts and you never did anything about it”. His mother suggested today that we don’t combine our accounts and commented how she’s going to be mad at him if she sees certain purchases she doesn’t approve of. This seems like more than “here’s a budget” as there’s an intention for continued monitoring/checking on how he spends his money. She does not know I’m pregnant as I don’t want anybody to know right now. She has his location and can view where he is at any time. I don’t have access to his bank accounts. I brought this up to him and he got mad and defended the situation and then said fine, we can get our own account to stop me from complaining. I am so extremely uncomfortable with all of this, I guess I’m wondering if these thing are normal?! He insists there is nothing wrong with it to the point that it is causing arguments.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 10/09/2023 07:28

You didn’t realise this before you got married and pregnant??

Radiohat · 10/09/2023 07:33

Sounds like a 70 sitcom.

Did his mom step in to get him out of debt? It sound very off to me.

strawberry2017 · 10/09/2023 07:34

That is so bizarre. Tell mother dearest he has a wife now and she needs to back off.

AnneNotEmily · 10/09/2023 07:35

This is not normal! I don’t know the solution but it sounds like he’ll get defensive if challenged so can you say something along the lines of wanting to join accounts (if that is what you want) but needing your privacy too and at that would mean removing his mothers access.

Thebigquestions · 10/09/2023 07:37

No! I thought she just made a generic budget for him to follow, I didn’t realize she literally has access to his bank accounts and intends to continuously monitor them until today

OP posts:
Noorandapples · 10/09/2023 07:38

You need to get a third party to mediate this because it's been so normalised for him, insist on marriage counselling ASAP!

bluejumping · 10/09/2023 07:39

He may have gambling addiction or something and this keeps him accountable

WandaWonder · 10/09/2023 07:41

Is he of a different culture?

Thebigquestions · 10/09/2023 07:42

No, we are the same culture/race.

OP posts:
RhymesWithTangerine · 10/09/2023 07:43

Noorandapples · 10/09/2023 07:38

You need to get a third party to mediate this because it's been so normalised for him, insist on marriage counselling ASAP!

This is the correct advice.

Get counselling. Although it may be that he is genuinely bad with money because it sounds as though he has low acceptance of his personal responsibility. He might need some individual therapy for that.

Definitely get this before the baby arrives. You’ll save yourselves so much stress.

AlexandriasWindmill · 10/09/2023 07:44

Why is she doing it? I'd assume the same as PP that he had debt or gambling problems. I'd want to know before I had a joint account. I'm surprised this never came up before. And that there are no other signs of them being overly enmeshed in each other's lives.Have you not known him long?

RagzRebooted · 10/09/2023 07:49

Did you live together much before you were married?
This is definitely not normal and sounds like it's way more than just financial advice, she's properly enmeshed in his life. Tracking his phone? Looking at his transactions?
Imagine how much fun this will be when baby comes along!

JamMakingWannaBe · 10/09/2023 07:52
  • Keep your own individual accounts.
  • Set up a joint account for all your joint bills - mortgage, gas, elec, insurance, payments to your pension while you are on ML, groceries etc
  • Pay into joint account a % from each of your salaries based on your respective wages to cover your joint bills
  • His Mum can continue to monitor his spending from his "pocket money" account
Thebigquestions · 10/09/2023 07:55

He said he asked her to make a budget because he is “bad with money”. He doesn’t have a gambling issue, he has a doctorate so his debt is mostly schooling and some credit card debt, nothing bad ( I have personally seen his credit history and debt as we’re buying a home, and wouldn’t be able to qualify for a loan if he had a massive secret gambling debt).
I wouldn’t mind a budget, but the consistent monitoring/access is something I have an issue with and think is strange. I’m even worried about bringing him to prenatal appointments because I haven’t told anybody I’m pregnant yet, so I’ll have to ask him to turn it off during my appointments. I’m just really uncomfortable and I don’t know how to solve this

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 10/09/2023 07:55

There's a big age gap and he's very immature with an extremely involved mother. I wonder why you married him.

Thebigquestions · 10/09/2023 07:58

Oh! Side note I forgot, he owes her money, buying this house was supposed to cover what he owed (as she’s the realtor) which was basically the main reason I agreed to buy where and when we did to pay her off. The actual goal is to leave the state to a place cheaper where we can get more house/land, which I would have rather done, but then we wouldn’t have paid off his mother.

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 10/09/2023 08:02

This is not normal, as you're probably aware.

Do you have a mortgage in place for this house purchase? If so, you will be able to set up a joint bank account online today as the provider will have your and your partner's details.

AlexandriasWindmill · 10/09/2023 08:04

YOU are buying a house YOU don't want in a place you don't want to live so his DM can get a commission that clears some of HIS debt - is that what you mean?
So you did know they were overly enmeshed before the bank account issue.
(also if he ran up debts in his mum's name it wouldn't affect your mortgage but would be a reason for her monitoring his repayments)
What are your friends and family saying about all this? I'd be deeply concerned if I knew you.

Zodfa · 10/09/2023 08:19

I have a theory that men who get married that late to women quite a bit younger than them are likely to be quite immature.

billyt · 10/09/2023 09:13

This is a big issue. No way would I have my mother in law have access to my accounts. None of her business and it needs to stop. About time your OH grew up. And she'll lose it big time if he can't justify a purchase?!!

And you just need to know she'll be trying to control how you raise your child.

Things either need to change or this will be your life from now on, having her pulling the strings.

Yuk and fuck.that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/09/2023 09:34

How long had you two been together prior to marriage?. What is his own relationship history like?.

You clearly did not at all realise the extent of their enmeshed codependent relationship before marriage. Not your fault here, its all well hidden until it is not. He is completely enmeshed with his mother and such people do not change. Neither of them will change. You will always be on the outside looking on and into this marriage. He believes every word his mother tells him; all this about he being bad with money is her dripping this into his head.

I would be contacting a lawyer in your state and use their help into getting away from your current H and his mother.

There are more red flags re him too; he is not giving you access to his bank account and has argued about that too.

Ultimately you're going to have to divorce him as going forward this will be no life for you and your child.

TheDogthatDug · 10/09/2023 09:45

This does not bode well for the future. You have married a Mummy's boy and h will run to her first. I would be reconsidering the pregnancy.

Spacemoon · 10/09/2023 09:56

This is giving me Trey and Bunny vibes from SATC!!

The MIL sounds like a nightmare. It's control and abuse.

Completely baffled how the extent of this is only just coming to light now. Assuming you didn't just meet him and instantly marry him? Was the subject of finances not mentioned before the wedding? Did you not realize his mother was tracking his every move??

It all sounds very odd. Agree with the pp about getting a mediator involved. He will not see this from your point of view as his mother has somehow made him think this is needed and normal.

Get to counselling ASAP and in the meantime, ensure DH turns off any tracking so you can at least keep your pregnancy quiet until you're ready to share the news.

perfectcolourfound · 10/09/2023 10:13

This is so wrong. My ex MIL thought that she could have a say in how we decorated our home (I mean quite forcefully, like telling us her friend was getting rid of an oven so she'd told them we'd have it - ditto bed / curtains / kitchen table. She was nothing compated with your MIL.

She has access to her adult son's bank accounts? Thinks she can have a say in what he spends money on?

I can't believe she thinks it's OK and I can't believe he thinks it's OK. Seriously, this requires some unpicking with professionals. If she thinks she has that level of say over his life, where will it end? (a friend of mine had a DH who deferred to his DM on everything significant. . He agreed to marry once his DM was happy. His DM told him they weren't ready for children so he wouldn't try (they were 30 at this point). My friend had enough and left him for a grown up.

YouveGotAFastCar · 10/09/2023 10:18

He's still a child.

His mum manages his money, so he doesn't have to learn. She tracks his location. She's heavily involved in what he is buying; and has a controlling stake in what decisions he makes.

However old he is; he still behaves like a child, and there is no room for a wife in that arrangement. He's unlikely to change, too - just look at his response when you said you were uncomfortable with this - he blamed you for not fixing it and opening a shared account. What's to say she won't have visibility of that?

Nothing that you think is a secret will be a secret, either. If she can see his location, she'll know when he's in a hospital/midwife unit/childrens centre/baby clothes shop. Hopefully you've not had any appointments to give it away yet; but she'll know as soon as you do.

This sounds like an actual nightmare and I'd be extremely concerned about tying any more of yourself to him; and by proxy to his mother.