Major advice needed

[lauzbug]

Soo I'll try keep this short and sweet....

My newly husband and I have been together 12 years married for 6 months...

Our relationship had been rocky for a while at the 5 year mark where we had a small separation as he kept talking to other girls in a way that I wasn't comfortable with. I slept with another man then we decided to get back together. (He still believes that I cheated but I don't agree due to being in separate houses for a while)

Fast forward he wanted to try for a baby, proposed to me but the relationship was still rocky after me being with another man. We decided to go to relationship counselling which kind of helped..

We got married, my husband got a job overseas and we both agreed to move out of the country for his new role. In order to do this I would have to quit my career and potentially be a stay at home mum to our child.

He moved out of the country in June as we thought it would be good for him to move out and get things sorted before we arrive...

He came back to the UK for a bit as we had booked our delayed honeymoon. On the honeymoon I had found flight tickets and money transfers to a women that I wasn't aware of. He said it was for financial reasons due to the exchange rate ect... I wasn't happy as he did not discuss it with me beforehand, especially now that we are married... Something didn't sit well with me and began to research more about her.. I then later discovered that she had said over at his overseas apartment, I confronted him and he said he was just trying to help her out as she was kicked out of her family home... Again this did not sit well me again, I began to dig deeper where I discovered on our ALEXA device that she was there for more than one day as she was listening to music using the voice command. In total I believe she had stayed for 5 days.

I confronted again, he said that he wasn't going to discuss the same situation all the time.. he said that he has had different people "friends" come over to go out as he lives centrally.

What the hell do I do in this situation??, ovbs there so much more to the story and so much more evidence such as photos of her with his possessions such as his glasses and phone case.
He keeps telling me I'm crazy and its all in my head....

But as I'm writing this whole situation, I have come to the conclusion that all the red flags are there..

The messed up situation is that, I currently have no job or house due to this potential relocation and my 4 year old boy is looking forward to it..

What do i do? Please help

Get a job, get a roof over your head, start divorce proceedings.

You are never going to fully trust him anymore so I think your marriage is over. It will be harder to leave if you follow him abroad.

Please seek legal advice - do not move abroad with him!! Now you are married you are also in a better position if you separate. It would be less disruption to your child if you separate now. Now he is working overseas you also have the position of primary caregiver which reduces his ability to use arrangements for your child as a means to control. He has been gaslighting you and you will be isolated if you continue with the move. He sounds emotionally abusive and this could very easily escalate if you are isolated.

He will tell you that you're crazy and it is all in your head. The thing is, you know that you aren't crazy and it is not all in your head, because you've found proof. He'll never want to admit any of that though, so he wants to make you so confused about the whole thing that you don't know what to believe any more.

Don't go overseas with him. If you do that, you will end up totally reliant on him financially, and if you do decide to leave, then chances are that he will prevent you from leaving that country with your dc.

You will make yourself incredibly vulnerable if you go abroad with him. You may need his permission to bring your own child home. He will carry on doing whatever he's doing even if you're there. Don't go. You will have to use his money if you don't have any of your own to get somewhere to live. Tell your son the plans have changed. I really feel for you.

Whatever you do, do not go overseas with your son as this could result in you getting trapped or even worse needing to leave but not being able to leave with your son.

Look for a job, find somewhere to live, file for divorce.

As difficult as this is, previous posters are right. If you go, you will be trapped with a man who is lying to you and not treating you well. Things will get much, much worse. You will be completely dependent on him and very isolated. And you may not be able to leave.

Your son will be fine, he's young and will readjust to new plans very quickly.

How do you think your DH will react when/if you tell him?

Yes, I think you are all right but the difficulty I'm facing now is the fact that I have to tell all my family what I am currently facing and I don't think I can do it just yet...

I have a message prepared for him as I feel doing it via text is the best way of getting my feeling across with him trying to interrupt or try change my mind.

His reaction will be him blaming me for ruining everything or tell me I am making the wrong decision, which in the past I usually believe it... Hence not leaving him before as I felt the grass might not be greener on the other side.

I just want to be as amicable as possible whilst protecting my child from any disruption. I do not want to prevent him from seeing his child either..

You can absolutely tell your family when you are ready, but I would prime them a little. Maybe with mentioning that there seems to be complications with housing or spousal visa etc so that is why you haven't followed immediately. Anything that explains why you are still here and why you might need to find a spare room for you to sleep in for a couple of weeks.

If you have joint accounts then transfer half to your own before telling him.

Good luck.

I have written this message which I have not sent as of yet...

We are where we are for a reason, learning curve maybe, an end of a journey or a start of a new beginnings.. but I don't think that is as married couple. It is unfortunate that it has to end this way, especially as I really didn't want our son to be in a broken household at such a young age nor do I want him to be in a toxic household where we cannot trust each other... However, this may be a good thing.. he may see his parents in a happier light separately, he will get the best of both worlds as he will be able to have a life in the UK and in CPT.

Despite all of these things, I wish nothing but the best for you career wise as you have worked extremely hard to get to where you are now and I only hope that our son will adopt your determination.

In time, I will seek further professional advice on what my next steps are but at the moment I just need to focus on getting back on track in terms of my career and my living situation so that our son is protected as much as possible.

I do really hope that we can be amicable as possible with our son at the forefront of any decisions that we will make in the next coming months.

How does this sound? Do I need to change it?

OP I have been in a very similar situation before. Do not move out there with him.

I guarantee you he has been cheating and soon as you get out there you will be isolated by his behaviour.

Especially if it's a ME country (I lived in one under this situation for 3 years)

Confide in someone IRL and get a divorce.

You are giving him too much ammunition in that email/sms

Don't say you didn't want xx to be from a broken home, it's already broken. You are fixing it by calling it a day and trying to work on an amicable co-parenting agreement.

Such a hard message to write, well done for getting that far. I agree I think you can cut out the part about toxic and broken home.

I would prepare yourself for him not really paying attention to your words, whatever you put in a message will be held against you and he'll blow up.

A question for you, is there any value in delaying the final blow? Will he cut your access to bank accounts and generally make life difficult when you say it's over? If you need to buy yourself some time, you could say you need longer to think about the move. I think you ll feel like a massive weight has been lifted once you say it, but I'd assume he won't behave rationally

Many thanks for the advice. I will take that out.

Fortunately I wasnt supposed to move until December, I actually have a temporary contract job until December so I am ok financially for now.
My son and I are currently living with my parents ready for the move as had rented out our family home in preparation for the move.

In light of all this, now was the best time for this to happen as I can try recoup as much as possible.

Definitely good timing. A natural full stop. Given the security of your situation home wise right now it's good timing to really focus on your career.

I'm a lone parent so I never underestimate the power of financial independence.

Also on a practical note if he's staying out of the country you should make sure legally you have this secured as the resident parent. Make sure you have it written in a court order you can take DC on holiday without needed permission (courts usually give you 2-4 weeks) etc but I'm sure good legal advice will tell you all this.

I'd get ahead of this whilst you can.

Your message to him is way to involved. He's a liar and a cheat. Your message would better read

'I am leaving you as I am no longer happy in this relationship. Please let's both do all we can to make this as easy as possible for little Bobby.'

And that's it. Do what you need to do to extricate yourself from the relationship, and communicate with him only via professionals (solicitor etc) from now on. It's over. It's not a discussion, it's a one-line fact that he needs to know.

Tell people in real life—anyone sane who hears the story of this relationship will recognize at once that it should end. Separation and divorce are absolutely the only safe course. See a solicitor, start the ball rolling, and proceed with confidence even if you don’t feel confident.

Something else that I think needs to be reinforced for you: THIS IS NOT A GOOD PERSON. He is dishonest, untrustworthy, manipulative, and abusive. Every time he argues with you about your beliefs, feelings, and perceptions he is gaslighting and manipulating you for his own benefit and to your harm.

learn not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). All those nice things you said in your letter—which you wrote because you are a kind person—he will see as points of negotiation. He can go through it point by point and “refute” each point if he wants. The less you say the kess power he has to overcome your arguments. And the truth is you don’t need to make any argument at all . “I don’t want to be married to you anymore” is all you have to say and all you have to know.

I think your message is overworked. It is also a bit confusing, you start with saying “we are where we are” but you haven’t actually said where that is and as far as I can tell, he doesn’t actually know you are ending it. So you surely need to open with that. And then keep it a lot shorter.

Thanks be to God you didn't move with him.

He isa liar, a cheat, and absolute scum.

That story is awful and has so many red flags.

Goodness knows how you would have ended up if you joined him.

He could have held you hostage their via your child.

This man is an absolute liar, don't trust a thing out of his mouth.

Keep your childs passport hidden.

I wouldn't trust him at all.

Too many lies.

The realisation is really settling, as I have replayed past conversations where I have excused his behaviour and words..
I can't do that any more..
It really doesn't help that he was my first for everything since I was 17 so he is all I know, hence it being harder.

Sent the message via text as I couldn't face him and deal with the crap talking.

He replied saying 'you want me to be amicable with you when you have ended YOUR marriage over text'

I read this as that he is going to be difficult with me.
😔

It depends OP. If he thought your marriage was fine then it's going to be a bit of a shock and people respond differently when in shock. Give him time.

Also start writing down how divorce will benefit him. Not you, not your child, just him. That's how I approached asking DH for one as he's prone to abuse/anger at me. So far he's amicable (touches wood).

Good luck.

Oh: he is definitely going to be difficult ! There is no way that he would ever be amicable. It is not your fault for the way you worded it. People like this are never gracious, or kind, of amicable in ending the relationship unless they are choosing to end it and they get an advantage from (momentarily) pretending to be nice.

Read up on high conflict divorces (high conflict is the technical term) and google “divorcing a narcissist “ and buckle up because he will try each form of threat, seduction, and coercion in turn to bring you under his control. Don’t.Ever.Let.Your.Guard.Down.