I’ve only been seeing this man for 6 weeks and he has stopped seeing me and I feel heartbroken

[BonnyLassie99]

For context then I have ADHD and I like men probably a lot quicker than neurotypicals and I feel things far more intensely.

So we had been dating since the 15th of July and I have major trust issues surrounding men because of the ex partners I’ve had, my first male role model when I was growing up and everything I hear other women saying about men.

I have taken this out on this great guy I was seeing and I’ve caused some drama with this because of my ADHD and not being able to keep my mouth shut when I do heavy doses of overthinking and overanalysing.

Today was the last straw for him because I again couldn’t keep my mouth shut about something in his past which is nothing to do with me whatsoever, he looked a bit sad and disappointed when he left mines today and I what’s apped him to apologise and explain myself, but how many times can he take the blame for something that isn’t to do with him, I wouldn’t so why do I expect him too do so?

My friend said give him a day or 2 to come around, but I’m actually heartbroken, I haven’t eaten all day and I literally have switched my notifications off so I get a surprise every time I log into what’s app but he hasn’t messaged, he read them but he hasn’t reached out.

I know some of you will read this and think “wtf it’s only been 6 weeks” but again, it’s the ADHD and I’m not on meds for it as was against them but since I’m in perimenopause too then my ADHD is worse so I want to get the meds asap especially for overthinking.

I have tried to read to take him out of my mind, and watch something but I literally keep reading the same sentence over and over because I can’t concentrate and I can’t keep track of what’s going on in TV shows.

I remember the last time I felt this broken and it was when my daughters father pissed off to the pub on the day my daughter was due, knowing my waters had broke, 21 years ago!

I know they aren’t really comparable in terms of the hurt factor but this is how I feel, this will take me months and months to get over, I know it, and I am honestly not looking forwards to the coming days, never mind the coming weeks and months.

I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for here but I probably just want to keep talking about it and I feel like my friends have said everything they can.

Maybe if he's given some time he may reconsider his decision ?

Maybe give him so space and see what happens ?

Thanks Betty.

If we were only seeing each other for 6 weeks then how long, realistically, should I wait for him to reach out before I know it’s doomed? a week at the most?

The situation made you feel insecure, you need to GET. Turned. Off. in any situation where you feel insecure/ignored/jealous.

Yes but tbh what happened with him and his ex in 2008 isn’t my business, he doesn’t ask what happens in my past at all stages.

Whats GET?

Follow lalaletmeexplain on insta and watch her highlight on limerance

I think I’d feel insecure in all situations with men, he could be an angel and my overthinking would get in the way.

I don’t have instagram

Must be quite tiresome for him but if you are a good combination he might just need some thinking time. If he does end it try and be different next time around

Yes Sunflower I think so, I’m going to get counselling before I get involved again, I haven’t liked a man for 4 years as well

Read the book attached

Op, you sound very self-aware and you are taking responsibility which means you can change this pattern for your future. You needed to learn this now and you have. You’ll get through it. It will be hard but you’ll get over this.

I think you should get a therapist that specialises in ADHD. I have a couple of close friends and family members with ADHD and live with one.

I don't think you should keep referring all negative behaviours back to your ADHD. I think you need to have some therapy about your trust issues. Not all negative behaviour is to do with ADHD, and blaming it allows you to remove a certain level of responsibility from yourself.

You are spot on!

After reading the original post the first thing that sprung to my mind was LIMERENCE. I know all
about limerance and the limerant state as I have been there a few times!

I really recommend you do some research on this OP as I think you’ll find answers here and it will give you a degree of comfort. What you’re going through has a name and a timeline as to the state of mind.

From the other side, I personally hate jealousy, and avoid anyone who starts displaying it. Complaining about something in the past that has no bearing on the present, is a big red flag. Tbh, and I think you know, you've been wrong in how you have acted, so maybe some counselling will help. It's actually quite shit when you've been a bit open about your past only to have it thrown back in your face and used against you down the line.

Being aware of the challenges posed by her ADHD and acknowledging them isn't the same as failing to take responsibility. OP has acknowledged that she has trust issues and that she knows her behaviour has been out of line. It almost feels like gaslighting to me when people say "don't blame your ADHD/ASD/mental health" when people talk about the ways their symptoms affect them and shape their emotional responses. It's possible to say "my ADHD made this really difficult and I didn't manage to overcome it in the moment" whilst still understanding that you do have the capacity to overcome it nonetheless.

Honestly, being told "not all negative behaviour is to do with ADHD" when you're talking about specific negative behaviours that you know were heavily contributed towards by your ADHD because you are an adult and do actually understand yourself and your own brain is so patronising and dismissive.

I’m sorry OP but I disagree with this comment. I have Bipolar, a lot of it overlaps with ADHD. I’ve found that if I frame conversations in a way where I relate my extreme behaviour to the bipolar it just makes me feel massively disempowered and demotivated. This is not something that you can get rid of BUT you can try your best to manage it.

It’s already really hard to decide to tackle the challenges you have so have a think about how your language is making you feel and if it’s impacting or has hindered attempts to change. I do completely understand that there are times when it does feel uncontrollable but there’s a lot that you can do for yourself to help.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling awful but if this experience means that you’ll try medication and therapy it might have a silver lining.