They're everywhere!!

[Superlambaanana]

Having just come out of a relationship with a narcissistic, immature, controlling etc etc man, I'm reading others' similar experiences here with fascination.

Is MN a magnet for women who've got emotionally abusive partners or are they bloody everywhere?

Why on earth do men stay with women they obviously loathe, or at least find unpleasant company? The abusive partner can't exactly be thinking they're 'living their best life' either.

Can someone please reassure me that it is possible to meet and have a relationship with a man who is not unreasonable/ controlling/ self absorbed/ nasty/ unfaithful/ overly demanding/ immature/ moody/ abusive.

And P.S. are you all former members of Popbitch?! I love the direct tone, surgically precise advice, and swearing here. It's definitely all very Popbitch for anyone old enough to remember it.

My partner is fabulous, but his wife had to lose her battle with cancer for me to meet him 😕 ado they do exist but I suppose the majority are already taken!

Can someone please reassure me that it is possible to meet and have a relationship with a man who is not unreasonable/ controlling/ self absorbed/ nasty/ unfaithful/ overly demanding/ immature/ moody/ abusive.

Yes. I ended up marrying my best friend after knowing him about 14 years. Many failed relationships in-between on both sides. He was right in front of me the whole time, albeit in another continent for half, but still.

Well done for moving away from a toxic person. That takes a lot of energy and strength.

I would say that when looking for someone with positive traits, try to be open to dating people who wouldn't usually be your type (if you want to). Get to know people from all walks of life. Some of the most compatible couples I know met like this.

There are millions of people in relationships out there. The people who come on MN asking for advice are more likely to be in bad ones. That's why they are posting. Perhaps people who have come out the other side of a bad relationship are more likely to respond on those threads.

Is MN a magnet for women who've got emotionally abusive partners or are they bloody everywhere?

A bit of both. It can be pretty disheartening spending a lot of time on the relationships board, but you have to remember that it's usually only the people with problems who are posting. This site is especially appealing to women whose problem is they're being abused, due to it's anonymous nature. Few people in that situation feel comfortable turning to a friend or family member.

At the same time, I do think abuse in a relationship is shockingly common. For a long time coercive control wasn't a crime, meaning people could be as emotionally and psychologically abusive as they liked and no crime was being committed. We have no real statistics on how many people in relationships are being abused because most of the time it still goes unreported.

Why on earth do men stay with women they obviously loathe, or at least find unpleasant company?

I used to wonder this. My ex seemed to see me as the very worst person and most worthless piece of shit to walk the earth, so why oh why was he so unwilling to let me go? Because they don't really think you're so awful. They may even know they'd struggle to get anyone better. They just have to make you feel that way so you have no confidence and won't leave.

They don't treat their partners the way they do because they hate them. They do it because needs must. They need to have control and power in a relationship and they know this is the best way to get it. They don't see relationships the same way you do, or want the same things from it. For them, relationships are very transactional. It's not about love. It's about ownership.

Sorry this is getting long, I'll just add that of course it's possible to meet a nice, normal, non-abusive guy. Do the Freedom Programme if you haven't already and read up on red flags and how to spot warning signs. Walk away the very second something doesn't feel right even if he hasn't technically done anything wrong. Throw back the bad ones and you'll find a good one eventually.

Is MN a magnet for women who've got emotionally abusive partners or are they bloody everywhere?

MNetters in happy partnerships won't, in the main, be posting about their partners - you only see the worst. Similarly, you'd think from here that all MNetters have terrible neighbours, awful bosses etc. People don't post to say their husband is lovely, their neighbours are pleasant and their boss is an inspiring role-model.

Good men get taken quickly leaving those with problems to make up a lot of the dating pool.

Controlling men often dont really show their true self until the woman has the first child. So women are more likely to be in a bad relationship once they become mothers.

They’re not everywhere, you’ll just see lots here. It’s a place to come for help. People don’t need to ask strangers for help and advice if they’re in happy relationships so you won’t read about those here.

Good relationships exist for sure. I’m 53 and 2.5 years into a relationship with a wonderful man after my exH left me 5 years ago.

It helps if you don't need a partner, just want one to enhance your life.

There are some truly terrible men out there.

A good test is if they are open to changing their minds about random subjects. If they think they are right above all others and won't budge on any subject they are a dick. And a tedious boring dick at that.

Interesting replies. I think some of you have taken me more literally than I perhaps intended. It is pretty obvious that a relationship discussion thread will be weighted towards women having problems. But with the increasing focus on abusive behaviour (see the mainstream media), I was really asking if it’s just being talked about more or is an increasing problem.

And, sorry to be catty, but to those who say ‘all the good ones are already taken’ (ergo, you are just not as great as the perfect girls who’ve already bagged all the princes) - do get a grip dears. There’s just as much chance that some ‘good’ men have made the mistake of shacking up with ar$ehole women and will later free themselves, as there is that people are not so one dimensional as to be wholly and unambiguously ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in the first place. 🙄

@yellowsmileyface thanks for your thoughtful and intelligent reply. I am interested in why people (I was one of them) stick around in a relationship which has gone sour. Love vs ownership. Civility vs raw emotion. Kindness vs honesty. Peace vs soul bearing. Perfect vs real. Together vs alone. Sickness vs health. Give vs take. That’s where things get really interesting. Often we give the best of ourselves to one part of our lives (job/ kids/ etc) leaving other parts to get the worst of us. But I’m keen to learn more so I will check out this Freedom Programme you and others have name checked. Do you have to actually have been (criminally) abused to do it or can anyone sign up out of curiosity?

I was really asking if it’s just being talked about more or is an increasing problem

I think it's more the former. Fortunately there's a lot more awareness surrounding abuse than there used to be. Toxic as it may be at times, I think social media has helped a lot with that. Someone may not even realise they're being abused until they read a thread on MN and something resonates, then they start their own thread about their own situation.

Re the Freedom Programme, anyone can do it online. You have to pay but it's quite cheap (I think it's £12).