Difficult relationship with my mum…

ShellySarah · 09/09/2023 21:37

I've been in that situation as a child with my own mum.

I really feel for you. The walking on eggshells not knowing what will set her off next. The name calling, the hitting me for nothing. The constant put downs and criticisms, it was never ending.

I remember at 8 years old being pinned to my bed and being slapped around the head repeatedly because I swore at my sister. I was hysterical and it was terrifying. I deserved punishment but not to beaten on my own bed.

I've just had my arse handed to me today on 30 days only by some posters who think I'm nasty for not now wanting to care for her full time in end of life care as she's now terminally ill. Apparently I owe her.

So don't count on getting sympathy from all here.

I don't have children but if I did have a child, I honestly wouldn't have left her alone with my mum or asked her to provide child care.

Having said that my mum has a grandson from my sister whom she dotes on and I'd have no concerns there.

I dont know how to reconcile it in my head that she could care so much about her grandchild but didn't give a shit about her own kids wellbeing at the same age.

Healingfrommothernarc · 09/09/2023 21:40

Look up www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

You're not alone. I've recently gone very low contact and experienced a lot similar to you.

NicholJO · 09/09/2023 21:44

I had the same emotions/ feelings my mum was exactly the same my mum was a abusive alcoholic that beat me when I had my 1st child there was no way in hell I would treat my baby like that and I don't know or my 6 grandchildren my advice is don't have anything to do with your mum I didn't and it mad me a happier mummy

Fmlgirl · 09/09/2023 21:51

Not much advice here just some sympathy. My mum was more emotionally abusive and very up and down and still is. Also didn’t make wise choices concerning men.
My pregnancy resurfaced all those difficult emotions for me. My son is 3 months old and she has already criticised my parenting - I had the tv on in the background when I sent her a voice note and apparently that’s not good for a baby.

I keep contact to a minimum but I find it incredibly hard. I grieve the fact that I will never have a proper relationship with my mum as friends have. I try to concentrate on mg own family and I am having some counselling.

Original poster

mamaxbear · 09/09/2023 21:51

@ShellySarah I feel you! I know how people can be on the internet. You have your reasons for your decision and that’s up to you, nobody can comment on the feelings and hurt you experienced at the hands of the one person who is meant to protect you!

A similar situation - I think I was around 10 years old, I remember my mum absolutely battering me because I was arguing with my brother. I ran out of the house and up the street because I was petrified and she chased me. Got me back in the house and I tried to run upstairs, she dragged me down the stairs by my feet. It puts a lump in my throat thinking about it now.

I don’t understand, as a mum, how anybody can treat their children like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

mamaxbear · 09/09/2023 21:54

@Fmlgirl I am the exact same. It hurts knowing I have not and won’t have a relationship like everybody else has with their mothers.

OP posts:

sephiroth23 · 09/09/2023 21:56

So sorry it's tough for you - it's strange that sometimes having children highlights what we should have had and deserved as children by our own parents.

There's a lot of grief and sadness in that and sending lots of love, there are lots of people that have experienced similar things. You never should have been abused or seen the DV as a child, and well done for recognising it and breaking the cycle for your own children

There's a podcast I love and they have a Facebook group that is really good for advice and people that have had similar experiences, it's called "in sight - exposing narcissism"

I don't have much practical advice but your feelings are valid and you're doing the right thing by protecting your child

ShellySarah · 09/09/2023 21:57

mamaxbear · 09/09/2023 21:51

@ShellySarah I feel you! I know how people can be on the internet. You have your reasons for your decision and that’s up to you, nobody can comment on the feelings and hurt you experienced at the hands of the one person who is meant to protect you!

A similar situation - I think I was around 10 years old, I remember my mum absolutely battering me because I was arguing with my brother. I ran out of the house and up the street because I was petrified and she chased me. Got me back in the house and I tried to run upstairs, she dragged me down the stairs by my feet. It puts a lump in my throat thinking about it now.

I don’t understand, as a mum, how anybody can treat their children like that.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've had so many experiences like that. Kids fight. When my sister and I fought she used to charge into the bedroom and slap the two of us around the head and charge off again leaving us crying rather than separate us and deal with what caused the fight.

It was utterly terrifying to have to live with and unless you've been through it, no one can understand.

When my mum ended up absolutely doting on her grandson and caring about his wellbeing so intently I have to say it made me upset. She would be horrified if someone beat her grandson the way she beat her own kids and yet she was happy to do it repeatedly.

If your mum dotes on your child it may make you feel conflicted as why couldn't she care for you like that.

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 22:54

mamaxbear · 09/09/2023 21:30

Hi all,

I’m new to the platform so please bear with me!

I am a first time mum to a beautiful little two year old. Ever since being pregnant/giving birth to her I feel the relationship with my mother is very difficult. There have always been issues between us, but they have really come to the surface for me since having my daughter. Without giving my life story she’s not really been a loving mother, I witnessed a lot of DV, she would call me and my siblings awful names, there were also times she would physically hit me/fight with me. I just remember being quite frightened of her throughout my childhood/teen years as when she was in a bad mood, you really knew about it. I think it’s because I’m now a mum and could never imagine being how my mother was with me, with my own daughter. I guess I’m really just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience and what you did in that situation?

TIA x

Yes my mother is a narcissistic, negative, cruel, selfish , jealous, diminishes my accomplishments, etc. I won't go into detail its too long, painful childhood. I wont subject my grandkids to her. I went nc 6 month ago and its a weight lifted x

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 22:55

ShellySarah · 09/09/2023 21:57

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've had so many experiences like that. Kids fight. When my sister and I fought she used to charge into the bedroom and slap the two of us around the head and charge off again leaving us crying rather than separate us and deal with what caused the fight.

It was utterly terrifying to have to live with and unless you've been through it, no one can understand.

When my mum ended up absolutely doting on her grandson and caring about his wellbeing so intently I have to say it made me upset. She would be horrified if someone beat her grandson the way she beat her own kids and yet she was happy to do it repeatedly.

If your mum dotes on your child it may make you feel conflicted as why couldn't she care for you like that.

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Hi sarah
Sorry your childhood was not good.
Do you think your mum knows she wasnt the best mum so making it up through the grandkids?
Xxx

ShellySarah · 09/09/2023 23:32

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 22:55

Hi sarah
Sorry your childhood was not good.
Do you think your mum knows she wasnt the best mum so making it up through the grandkids?
Xxx

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Nope. When I told her of her abuse she was horrified and called me a "dirty liar" and said what's wrong in your brain that you make this stuff up.

She genuinely doesn't remember how abusive she was and how terrified I was of her. Xx

Allthecatseverywhereallatonce · 09/09/2023 23:35

I can sympathise, my dm was nasty, the things she used to say. I was terrified of her, she would hit me, grab me round the throat, brother had to get her off me once, she put me down, blame me for everything. I never knew what mood she would be in.

As an adult with 2 teens I am still scared of her reaction, she shouted at me recently on a family holiday with my dc as witnesses. It took me straight back to those awful childhood days. I feel trapped as we know what she is like, my dad did and does nothing about it. My brother is the chosen one so no worries for him. Funnily enough she dotes on my brother's oldest child, she is like a mother to her.

Unfortunately she has a progressive illness, after the last falling out, I told my dad I was done but, he pulled the illness card and I feel trapped. If I don't tow the line I think my family will ignore me.

I have ensured my relationship with my dc is the complete opposite, they are aware of my mum's behaviour as I have told them and they have witnessed it too.

jalekker · 09/09/2023 23:55

@mamaxbear maybe ask to move your post over to Relationships? There are many threads which may help you start your recovery from your childhood trauma x

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 23:57

ShellySarah · 09/09/2023 23:32

Nope. When I told her of her abuse she was horrified and called me a "dirty liar" and said what's wrong in your brain that you make this stuff up.

She genuinely doesn't remember how abusive she was and how terrified I was of her. Xx

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Thars horrendous. I have been there. Its so sad. Gaslighting you about your perception... just nasty. So sorry xx

Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 00:02

ShellySarah · 09/09/2023 23:32

Nope. When I told her of her abuse she was horrified and called me a "dirty liar" and said what's wrong in your brain that you make this stuff up.

She genuinely doesn't remember how abusive she was and how terrified I was of her. Xx

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Hopefully its not like this but :
A word of caution, watch her with your children and what she says , try not to leave them in private with her. These people don't change, she will manipulate your kids eventually when they trust her completely. Xxx

Astridastro · 10/09/2023 00:16

Hi a lot of what others have said in here is exactly how I feel, grieving that mother/daughter relationship, going NC with her to protect myself. I always had a difficult relationship with my mother, I was the difficult one my brother the golden child. Apparently I was too selfish to ever have children and was never going to make her a Gran (see how it’s always about her) anyway once I had had DD1 I started to hear the little comments and especially after I had DD2 and that was it. I put in as much effort as she did and about 6 months went past and she wrote me this letter about how you only get one mother and I thought I was “above” her even as a young child and that she didn’t have the benefit if a university education. That was it I just went NC and it’s a relief (that was 14 years ago) this person too selfish to have children has had four including the golden child boy and I would never allow her to put him before his sisters they are all equal. The DC know why they don’t see her and they are better off away from her toxic poison anyway.