Finances after children

[hayu19]

Myself and DH, together for 7 years have two DS (6yo and 10months). There is a 16 year age gap, him being older (just thought I'd put this to avoid any drip feeding)

DH earns alot more than me (around 57k) , he pays mortgage, bills, food and petrol.
I am currently on smp. He puts money in an account for me to do the food shopping £500 pm (I have the card so don't need to ask for this) I do pay my personal bills as in, car payment phone etc and we go halves on a holiday payment for next year per month.

After my bills have gone out I am left with £300, I do go halves on buying the children clothes.

When I've brought up the possibility of sharing a bank account he is totally against it. I know there are lots of people who have separate money but I wanted to check the situation is fair and people's thoughts.

the issue is not joint accounts it’s your DH being unfair and selfish. I’m in a similar situation and I didn’t have money to pay a household bill in my name I said DH can you send me 200 for the bill as I’m broke until pay day - he said ok and when I checked he had sent me 800. He is generous and considers his money our money.

How does he treat you day to day?. Does he belittle you in other ways too?.

You are being economically disadvantaged here by this arrangement of (presumably) his making, this is all working in his favour. He giving you an allowance for the shopping is demeaning to you. When was the last time you for instance went to the hairdressers or opticians?. I bet he buys clothes for himself and goes to these places far more often than you have done.

It’s unfair to both you and the kids who are being affected by this too. Your man does not want to share at all does he?. He likes this level of power and control over you. Why are you also having to pay half of your holiday?. How are you managing on SMP, you’re not really are you?. He’s treating you with contempt. He’s making no provision for you in terms of your pension.

You are married to this man and as such all money should be jointly held. I am not surprised to see he does not want a joint bank account, again he does not want to share. He seems more like your financial controller than your husband frankly. Is this a man you want to remain with, these types do not change. This is who he is and he’s treating you like some subordinate.

Thank you for replying, I find it really frustrating because I've lost alot of my wages due to having our children. Part of me thinks I should be grateful because he is paying for the household bills etc but then when I really think about it I feel that I should be able to see whats going in /out and what's left over. Also the only reason he has been able to progess in his career is due to me reducing my salary so I can look after the children. Whenever I suggest I need money for a bill or something he just says "well I spend all of my money on you and the kids, I don't have any to give you" I accept it and don't pay the bill and pay double the next month.

I would talk to Women’s Aid.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/understanding-economic-abuse/am-i-experiencing-economic-abuse/

This is really helpful, thank you.

If you don’t have enough to pay bills then you both need to sit down and look at your finances as paying double is ridiculous - it’s not just your problem! My DH pays mortgage car most of the bills etc but I think I work part time, I do the bulk of the childcare and the cleaning so my contribution is equally important

Oh dear dear me.

Get out of there.

I'm planning my exit from mine. When I was a stay home mum, my partner used to give me £200 per month. This was for general day to day living with 2 kids at home to entertain. Out of this 200 I was to get my the odds and bobs the needed such as when we ran out of nappies as I had no access to his card. He thought he was doing well by me!
MHe was (still is) earning very nearly 50k a year in an area that is not classed as an expensive area.

When I decided to go to uni to top up my qualification, I had a student lone - I was told this student loan was to pay for my child care as it's my responsibility. when I got the job I wanted and had worked for - I was told again I pay for child care and half of all household bills but not the mortgage, as I'm not allowed to pay that, because he doesn't want me to claim it.

13 years on and he still won't commit financially and has told me he doesn't want to get married, of course after stringing me along for a decade, I now have no right to anything as he owns the lot (I'll fight this) despite my services enabling him to line my pockets.

Don't be a me. Get out of there