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Original poster

splitting up with children with SN and finances

17 replies

whatnext3 · 09/09/2023 20:19

Just wonder if someone is in the know generally speaking. Things are not going well in my marriage and I am exploring options. We managed finally so far as he worked full time and I only very part time and I get carers allowance. Both DC have high support needs. One is severely disabled and will need lifelong 24/7 support (which will probably for me to provide, at least until I drop). How are houses (owned, very small mortgage left) and child maintenance handled in cases where children will never fly the nest and never be independent ? I will not be a be able to increase my earnings and support the DC independently due to the sheer load of caring responsibilities and H not helping out. He earns ok (40k ish - we are in the poor North East, not London) and has only been able to build up a career on the. ack of me giving up mine.

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 09/09/2023 23:57

I don't think its any different? My child is disabled and will never live independently and I can't even get any maintenance off my ex.

TheSilentSister · 10/09/2023 00:46

You need to see a solicitor. Basically if you're married all splits of assets usually start off at 50/50 but you would most likely get a higher percentage due to your limitations for working and caring for SN children. Maintenance would be the normal amount based on his earnings. You get Carers and DLA and this would continue until 16 and then transfer to PIP.

OhamIreally · 10/09/2023 08:20

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.

As PP said I think it's the usual story that the man is permitted to sail off into the sunset and you will be left to do everything alone.

If I were you I would argue that you will need 100% of the assets to even begin to countenance this life.

Original poster
whatnext3 · 10/09/2023 08:40

Thanks all. I am actually toying with the idea of moving out and forcing him to become the sole carer (he can keep the house, I don't want it, was never happy there). I have done it for 15-16 years more or l as solo and I am totally worn down. I could easily find a full time job and pay maintenance if I find a shared room. I am just not prepared to carry on doing it alone esp until the day I die. Anyone else used separation as en enforced role reversal?

OP posts:
ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 10/09/2023 09:22

whatnext3 · 10/09/2023 08:40

Thanks all. I am actually toying with the idea of moving out and forcing him to become the sole carer (he can keep the house, I don't want it, was never happy there). I have done it for 15-16 years more or l as solo and I am totally worn down. I could easily find a full time job and pay maintenance if I find a shared room. I am just not prepared to carry on doing it alone esp until the day I die. Anyone else used separation as en enforced role reversal?

Lone parent of a child with SEN here. I sympathise, sincerely, no contact with child's father and he gets away with no maintenance. I do know in my case though I would never have willingly let him become sole carer. Mainly because as he never actually did any of the child rearing (though he left when child was young, knows nothing of child's medical needs) so I would be constantly worried of neglect and I couldn't do that to my DC. I appreciate all circumstances can be vastly different though, and I am not in any way saying our situations are the same. I'm purely giving an opinion based off my own circumstances. I don't doubt your love for your DC, it can be a very hard hand to be dealt in life and a very lonely one too, I know. Wishing you the best in your circumstances Flowers

Original poster
whatnext3 · 10/09/2023 09:25

thanks thick, he is a good and caring dad. Just a shit husband (and I know he would not want to take on all the caring but neither did I want to do it solo and give up my career).

OP posts:
DeeplyMovingExperience · 10/09/2023 09:34

If the "role-reversal" is what you want to do, then do it. Pack your things and leave.

It's rare, but it does happen. Women who leave their families are vilified - it's very unfair because men do it all the time.

In your case is sounds like you are truly on your knees and have already worn yourself into the ground.

So yes - it's his turn - and the only way that's going to happen is if you force the issue by leaving.

99% of the time it's women who are left with the burden of the childcare and trying to hold everything together. Nobody gives it a second thought, and unless a person has been there (I have, with no child support payments like a previous poster), they have no idea how hard and soul-destroying it is.

I would not judge you for one second for walking out. At the very least you would be able to take some time to consider what the future holds, with the space to think away from the drudge you have been handling year in year out.

I wish you the very best.

Geneticsbunny · 10/09/2023 09:51

Worth considering that if you share residency for the kids then you may be less eligible for respite support from the council as they will say that you are having respite while they are at their dad's house. My friend has had problems with this recently.

Geneticsbunny · 10/09/2023 09:52

I think you should move out and leave him with the kids. I would in your situation.

Original poster
whatnext3 · 10/09/2023 09:56

@Geneticsbunny We never managed to qualify for any sort of respite despite DC1 having severe LD/low functioning ASD and needing 24/7 support. So no concern in 'losing' that.

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 10/09/2023 10:06

That is bloody awful. I don't think any marriage could survive two high needs kids with no respite support. You could ring social care and tell them you are at the point of family breakdown and they should prioritise you. You should get some support?

Original poster
whatnext3 · 10/09/2023 10:27

@Geneticsbunny I tried it all. We don't qualify. the local threshold for support is so high. It's not a battle worth having. I am much better off plotting my way out of this mess.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 10/09/2023 10:30

Is nesting an option? One of you stays in the home and the other stays weekends/or more for child access.

That way neither of you is 100% caring.

Have you had legal advice yet?

OhamIreally · 10/09/2023 10:31

OP I also think you should leave.

These situations are like a game of chicken and usually the woman loses for the exact reason stated upthread- they put the child first. Either parent is free to leave and the law will do nothing to hold them to account beyond payment of child maintenance. The parent left with the children has all the responsibility and the law will very much hold you to account and force you to parent. It's very binary.

One of my favourite posts on here was from a woman whose sister walked out on her husband when she discovered his affair. The husband thought he'd be waltzing off to his new life with his new woman and leave all the kids and drudgery to his soon to be ex wife.

I'm sure you love your children very much but you sound at the end of your tether and need to put yourself first before you break down.

Call me a cynic but I suspect society will step up and help your husband and disabled children far more than they have done for you who has struggled on for years. Why, he will be practically made a saint!

Original poster
whatnext3 · 10/09/2023 10:36

@jeaux90 I do not think nesting would work as whoever is having the DC that week will not be able to work/or only be able to manage work very part time. So in effect, we both would have to leave work. It just wouldn't be doable. Whoever has the kids will take the hit work wise. I took that for a long time. I want him to have his turn.

OP posts:
OhamIreally · 11/09/2023 10:40

What have you decided @whatnext3 I have been thinking of you.

Loubelle70 · 11/09/2023 10:44

DeeplyMovingExperience · 10/09/2023 09:34

If the "role-reversal" is what you want to do, then do it. Pack your things and leave.

It's rare, but it does happen. Women who leave their families are vilified - it's very unfair because men do it all the time.

In your case is sounds like you are truly on your knees and have already worn yourself into the ground.

So yes - it's his turn - and the only way that's going to happen is if you force the issue by leaving.

99% of the time it's women who are left with the burden of the childcare and trying to hold everything together. Nobody gives it a second thought, and unless a person has been there (I have, with no child support payments like a previous poster), they have no idea how hard and soul-destroying it is.

I would not judge you for one second for walking out. At the very least you would be able to take some time to consider what the future holds, with the space to think away from the drudge you have been handling year in year out.

I wish you the very best.

This ^
Also there is residential and respite if struggling with a child with disabilities. As much as you love your child, you do need some you back. X

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