New partner in touch with ex wife

[Thatsnotmyname12]

Hi everyone, I would appreciate some perspective and opinions please. I have been with my partner for several months. While it is a relatively new relationship, it is relatively serious.
He (36) was with his soon to be ex wife for 15 years (married for 1). It ended a year ago after she cheated and ended the relationship. They are still in touch, have met up face several times and now message general day to day chat. I expressed that while I understand they have a lot of shared history, I don't agree with the principle of being friends with an ex and maintaining some sort of ongoing relationship. He said that there are no feelings left on his part for her, wants to keep things amicable while the legal side of the divorce is ongoing and wants to help support her with her ongoing mental health issues (which were possibly part of the breakdown of the relationship). There are no children involved.
He does seem like a genuinely caring person, who treats his friends and family well. Would you feel uncomfortable/unhappy with this, or do you think it is reasonable?

Personally, I’d find it stranger if they weren’t in touch after such a lengthy adult relationship.

To me, i think this actually bodes well. It shows he's a mature and sensible adult.
So many people throw tantrums and their toys out the pram when they break up. This shows that despite her infidelity, he's forgiving and easy going.

Several months in you don't get to tell him who he can or cannot speak with.

Several years in, you cannot tell him who he can or cannot speak with.

Who do you think you are? you don't agree with ......you sound like a needy schoolgirl.

I think it shows what a good man he is. He was cheated on yet still wants to remain friendly whilst they go through the divorce. The fact that he’s also supporting her mental health is great.

He has explained that there are no feelings left on his part. If this is too much for you then I’d suggest you
rethink the relationship. I understand you’re serious but it’s only been months. You can’t really dictate who he talks to. Some people are friendly with exes and some are not. It may seem odd for you but they were together for such a long time that it’s kinda nice he’s keeping in touch.

I mean they're not actually legally divorced yet, so he probably does need to speak to her if he wants to get it done without having to involve bad attitudes and solicitors.

I wouldn't be happy with my partner going for meals / coffees and catch ups etc with an ex, but during the divorce process it makes sense they'd need to talk. Post actual legal divorce I'd probably find it a bit odd if they were having lengthy phone conversations or similar though!

A friend of mine is best friends with her ex husband and his wife. I think it's great that that they're all mature enough to recognise that while being married didn't work for them, they can still be friends, and that the second wife gets that and is more than comfortable with it too. My friend has had a new partner of two years or so, but obviously he was aware of the friendship when he got to know my friend, and he also gets along with the other pair really well.

So yep, when circumstances permit and the divorce is amicable, I'd not be put off by it.

He has been with his wife for nearly all of his adult life, although he has no romantic feelings towards her anymore, a lift together cant be dismantled just like that.

He sounds like a decent and caring person.

I would have more concerns if he had walked out of his marriage without a backward glance.

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies. Yes I agree that it demonstrates that he's mature and caring and of course, it makes sense to communicate to avoid going through solicitors. To clarify, I haven't told him who to stay in contact with etc. It was a general chat and I understand it's his decision. Thanks again for replying.

This.

I think it would depend on how frequent these general day to day chats were.

I'd wonder why someone whose marriage was ended by indlfidelity would want to be friends with that person. It doesn't have to he acrimonious but they don't need to he bosom buddies either esp if there are no children involved.

I'd wonder if it meant that there were going to he three people in the relationship going forward.

I wouldn't be telling him who he could and could be friends with/talk to but I wouldn't be entering into a relationship with him either.

It sounds very civilised.

Until he died I regularly had lunch with my ExH. We were years and years in s relationship and then married so we forged a kind of friendship. Some might call it an amicable armed truce.
Worked well for us.

I wouldn’t like this
its crossing boundaries majorly

Whose boundaries? As far as I can tell, no-one has set any at this point. .

I’m still friends with most of my ex partners. They were great guys, we had things in common and got on well - that’s why I was in a relationship with them in the first place! Just because the relationships didn’t work, it didn’t change the fact that they were people I liked. My husband is friends with some of his exes too. And now I’m friends with them. Same thing: they were lovely people, things just didn’t work out between them.

I find your comment that you don’t agree with the principle of being friends with an ex, really odd.

I am more concerned that you think you have the right to control who he speaks to. He didn't ask you whether you agreed, nor should he.