Anyone else indifferent in their relationship with DP?

[cherrylola]

Been together 16 years, 3 kids (4 to 10 yo), a home and a dog. Had constant ups and downs over the years and many difficult times and hard situations in life to navigate together. Always both been faithful and never done anything major to rock the boat it’s just always always felt hard work. Hit a bit of a wall with it in the last few months tbh and now just feel pretty indifferent about being together. I would prefer to stay together for consistency, security, and mostly for the kids and because I do genuinely like DP and know he’s a good guy I’m lucky to have. It’s just all too much sometimes, being in a relationship that’s never just ‘easy’ and plodding happily along. I’m generally grumpy these days
and just over it in a lot of ways, but have a lovely little family here and don’t want to ruin that either. The relationship just drives me mad! I’ve got no motivation to try anymore. He’s trying much more these days than I am, but just doesn’t hit the mark with any of it.

Anyone else? Will it change? Anyone come out the other side? Is it just the mundanity of life with youngish kids perhaps?

He’s just come home with flowers for me (lovely I know and I’m grateful) because we had a tiff earlier and it’s just all meh to me now. Doesn’t make me want to run back into his arms. In fact, makes me want to shake him and tell him to wake the hell up and recognise it’s not working.

I feel exactly the same!

Together 18yrs. 2 kids… youngest it 10.

I think because my kids are getting older it has amplified the fact that we don’t really have much in common or much alike any more

Sorry you’re in the same boat! Yes that makes sense, I guess we don’t have masses in common anymore - not a lot of time / funds / energy to go out together much which doesn’t help.

Im sorry. Big hugs to you both.

I would be telling him to wake up and realise this is not working. If counselling is considered I would go on your own as you need to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

You do your own self a real disservice, let alone the kids, by remaining in such a relationship primarily because of them. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, this now loveless relationship could well become their norm too. They are not daft and they will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you two. They are not going to say thanks mum to you for remaining in such a relationship because you currently think it’s somehow “ easier “ for you to do so.

I was there and am now divorced. He was not a bad person but he was definitely not my person and after 18 years I realised I needed out and to find some joy again. Tbh I knew it was done years before but it became more obvious as the kids were getting older. My only regret is not being more direct with my ex, I did try but it generally led to arguments and I gave up and kept quiet until I got to the end of the road. He claims to have been blindsided.

Is it too much to ask for things to be easy though? Genuinely interested if my expectations are just skewed!

I have no idea whether it is better to stay or to go. I expect millions of women (and me?) before us have stayed and made it work and settled for a calm but meh emotional life.

People keep talking about how it's better to leave rather than model this meh relationship to the kids. But what if there isn't another relationship? Then I'm not modelling intimate relationships to them at all?!

I think it's a hugely common problem with the cost of living and housing in this country. Millions of people simply can't afford to run a house on one salary so they put up and shut up and have affairs given the opportunity. It's very sad but thats just what they do to survive and have some fleeting moments of happiness.

Really pleased to have found this thread.

Nearly 19yrs here and DCs 14 and 11. Our relationship is probably more rubbish than "meh". I'm not sure we even like each other much anymore - we have very little in common, different emotional needs and aren't great role models for DCs in terms of relationships.

It's a pretty sorry situation when written in black and white. I guess we are too busy/indifferent to do anything about it.

I find the last line of your OP telling @cherrylola .

Presumably it is working for him. You're the one who's not happy, but have you talked about that with him? You've got two options at this point, try to fix the relationship or end the relationship, but in both cases, your husband needs to know that you're unhappy with the status quo.

You need to be having long conversations about what the issues are at the moment, whether they're fixable for you, and if so how to go about fixing them. And for either resolution, it's better if they are conversations, not arguments. Blame isn't useful, it should be more "These are the issues, this is how I think we should move forward, are you in agreement?"

At the end of the day, your husband isn't psychic, and neither are you for that matter. You both need to lay your cards out on the table.

Yes he knows and we’ve talked many times but he’s a classic denier, in every situation not just about the state of our relationship. Had counselling about 6 years ago, which helped get over some major emotional barriers at the time, but I was much more motivated to keep the relationship going then. I’d like to get that drive back!!

I’d say he’s unhappy with the situation too, but he won’t admit it and prefers to gloss over or ignore problems.

I think my DH is unhappy with the situation too, but would rather gloss over it and move on and continue than risk the marriage ending. We have talked at various points in our marriage, and there's often some practical changes, but ultimately all they do is gloss over the real issues and keep the train on the tracks for another 6 months/year/2years before it becomes miserable enough for one of us me to raise the conversation again.

We're pretty good at living together, parenting together, running a home/cars/careers/holidays together. But there isn't really any relationship beyond housemates/coparents. We do still have a functioning sex life, but I think we're down to comforting familiarity rather than any real desire.

DH says I am the love of his life. He will do anything to change our situation or himself to make me happy. I feel stifled by the responsibility of that.

Place marking to come back to this after work...sums my life up entirely at the moment x