Anxious parent makes me feel like I can’t cope

[Septemberlady]

My DF has always favoured giving me anxious warnings about how difficult things are likely to be for me. Then he advises me on what I should have to be safe.

It’s a bit like saying. “You’re very vulnerable in a shark infested ocean in a rubber dinghy. You should get a super yacht.”

I know he’s coming from a place of care but it always left me feeling like he was saying “you lack resilience and I’m so disappointed you don’t have this wonderful thing that would make you safe.”

As he is elderly now I’m worried about this tendency coming to the surface more and more. I usually react by telling him I’ve got things under control. But the underlying feeling that I can’t cope is still there when he talks like that.

If he stays off the subject of my life I am pretty good at reassuring myself. But I wish I didn’t feel so emotional when listening to him.

How would he respond if you told him how it makes you feel? If he gets angry then his concern isn't coming from any kindness,

He loves you very much clearly. Try not to take it all so seriously which I know is hard.

Thanks @newmama311 that’s good advice

Oh not angrily @Cleotolstoy More confused than anything else because he was trying to help.

My MIL can be like that and I found really difficult when DC arrived. It wasn’t something I’d ever encountered and I’d never really questioned things until she started asking seemingly innocuous questions. She’d say things in a way that wouldn’t be a criticism but would make me go “No? Why? Is that a thing? Is this wrong? Am I doing this right?”. It was really difficult to deal with (esp as a FTM) and I don’t know how anyone can grow up with a constant questioning narrative (well, I’ve got my husband as an example! Has anxiety, needs reassurance about decisions, does that thing of constantly checking if everyone is having a good time. All things I had no experience with).

I don’t think why your dad is doing actually matters. Yes I’m sure he’s just worrying about you, but it’s gone beyond parental concern and has undermined your self-confidence. You would be resilient were it not for him “training” you to doubt yourself. He’s not going to change but you can get some counselling or find some exercises to do to allow you to quieten the doubting voice in your head.

How about if you said "You don't seem to have much faith in me, Dad!" / "I'm not 15 any more, you know, Dad!" / "Honestly, Dad, you really know how to bolster a person's confidence!", laughing incredulously? Even a "Stop that nonsense!" can be said in a loving way that is clearly not meant as serious criticism but still gets across the point that he's being unhelpful.

Good advice @Lolapusht and @80s

Yes, I need to gently push back and also personally deal with my self confidence issue. I actually had two anxious parents at one point. It didn’t occur to me the effect it would have on me. But life would feel a lot easier if “I can do it!” came more easily to me. So I definitely want to learn how to feel more confidence in my resilience.

I'd try to say clearly how I feel so for me it would be perhaps "I've got to find my own answers, Dad, I'm an adult now. I understand the risks in life, because you brought me up well."

Although in reality I'd probably huff like a teenager!

I think you might be able to distinguish better what's going on by thinking about what would happen if he told you something about yourself that you weren't already insecure about. For instance, if he told you he thought your hair was too long/short. Or that you'd run into trouble in life because you don't like yoghurt.

How would you respond to those sorts of things? Once you've got that idea/feeling into your consciousness, you might be better adept at veering towards that sort of response, rather than the 'triggered' one you're currently having.

It's hard to just stop having a feeling. It can make it a bit easier if you can imagine something else in its place.

The reason you get anxious in the first place is because you've been parented in this way all your life. It's not you, it's your conditioning. We take care of ourselves by following the example of how our parents took care of us. You can politely disagree with him now: you know you're a capable and responsible adult who can deal with whatever shit life throws at you. Don't you? If not, locate the gaps in your confidence, and build them up. So, when he says 'You're not looking after your money...' you can stay 'Well, that's not what they said on the personal finance course I just completed, Dad.', rather than wondering if he might be right.

Also, 'With respect, Dad, I disagree with you there. Shall we move on?' might be a helpful phrase.

Thank you @Watchkeys and @MidnightOnceMore

Yes I do a bit of teenage style huffing too!

I will try the yoghurt idea. I’m not sure where exactly he triggers me at the moment, so it will take some thinking!

I'd recommend a bit of counselling if you can afford it.
Another thing you might want to think about is that your natural reaction - thinking "Can I do it?" - is built on the false premises that your parents have lived by. The idea that if you don't get everything just right, some terrible catastrophe will occur. Sure, it's a good idea to plan ahead. But sometimes we do get things a bit wrong, or they don't work out as hoped. Sometimes we fall flat on our face or are left struggling. That's not the end of the world, though: we pick ourselves up, do our best to sort it out, seek help, readjust our expectations and make the best of it. Most people muddle through somehow, even those who don't plan ahead at all!

When you tell your dad that you've got things under control, you're implicitly agreeing that his fearful way of seeing the world is right. But actually, we can't control everything, so we need to have a healthy acceptance of failure. Your dad presumably led a very controlled life, but firstly, his success was still partly down to luck and secondly, maybe he'd have enjoyed life more with a less fearful approach.

This is why I'd personally not even want to engage in that discussion at all. If you say "No, I'm winging it" you'll get a lecture and if you say "Yes, I control every aspect of my life rigidly" then that's just going along with this regime of fear - and solidifying it in your brain, making you see it as that "SUCCEED OR DIE" dichotomy. A deft side-step, refusing to be drawn in and secretly reminding yourself that the whole philosophy is bogus might make you feel less anxious.

"Why would you say that dad? Why would you deliberately try to make me double myself?" And see what he says. He's fine it so often he likely doesn't even realise hems doing it, just thinks hems encouraging you to be cautious or something equally ridiculous.

Thank you. It’s amazing the effect our parents can have on us. I’ve lived my life doing the opposite of what he thinks is sensible and I’m still in one piece. When he comments negatively on other people’s life choices, I easily think to myself that their lives look great to me. Yet his anxious advice still has a powerful effect!

Do you think he is projecting? So rather than actually being scared for you he is thinking that if he was in your situation then he would be scared (so therefore you must be because he isnt able to consciously distinguish between the two different situations!). Can you turn it round to him..that must be scary for you Dad. How worrying for you Dad..which clearly acknowledges his feeling and separates you from it. That might help to bolster your internal confidence by the verbal separating.

Also, remember no one can make you feel anything (although it definitely feels that way sometimes). You choose your own feelings, can you choose compassion for your Dad in these conversations?

He definitely gives advice along the lines of what he would find suitable for him. The conversation that led me to make my initial MN post has been playing on my mind all week now. I think if he ever raises it again I have a clear idea of my own mind and goals and can answer clearly.

I probably worry just as much as he does. But he assumes I don’t worry at all and that he has to help by warning me about things that can go wrong.

Anxious (neurotic) behavior in people drives me nuts!
@SeaToSki has some good insight.

Try mirroring back to your dad his anxious feelings for you so you won't absorb them. "I see Dad you are worried that I may not be worrying enough." Just saying this helps put the worry back on him, demonstrates how silly it is and stops you taking on his behavior.