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Original poster

Trusting my husband again

26 replies

peahe123 · 09/09/2023 02:38

A few months back I caught my husband messaging other women in a sexual way. I spoke to him about it and he told me that it was just messaging and nothing has ever happened, which I do weirdly believe.

Anyway I still get a feeling that he is messaging other women but is getting sneaker doing it. I don't know how to bring this up to him as he will probably just deny it and make out I'm the bad person.

I just don't know how to ever trust him again but also don't know if I can leave him 😔

Any advice would be appreciated, thank you

OP posts:
Talltall · 09/09/2023 02:56

@peahe123

i feel for you.

why do you think he is still doing it?

ZebraD · 09/09/2023 03:02

yikes! I think my ex was doing this as I was never allowed his phone! He was always weird with it. When showing me a photo for example he had to hold the phone etc. anyway, I never found out. I was never going to sneak in his phone. We split up without the need to find out as he left me by which point I didn’t really care anymore. It’s an awful feeling and even when you suspect it, just not quite enough to make you leave. You need proof. What would you do if there was more ??

Original poster
peahe123 · 09/09/2023 03:02

This is going to sound crazy but he told me he has deleted Snapchat, which is where most of the chats were happening. But I can see that he goes on there most nights when I come up to bed. Now if he didn't have anything to hide then why wait until I'm in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
peahe123 · 09/09/2023 03:03

Talltall · 09/09/2023 02:56

@peahe123

i feel for you.

why do you think he is still doing it?

This is going to sound crazy but he told me he has deleted Snapchat, which is where most of the chats were happening. But I can see that he goes on there most nights when I come up to bed. Now if he didn't have anything to hide then why wait until I'm in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
peahe123 · 09/09/2023 03:07

ZebraD · 09/09/2023 03:02

yikes! I think my ex was doing this as I was never allowed his phone! He was always weird with it. When showing me a photo for example he had to hold the phone etc. anyway, I never found out. I was never going to sneak in his phone. We split up without the need to find out as he left me by which point I didn’t really care anymore. It’s an awful feeling and even when you suspect it, just not quite enough to make you leave. You need proof. What would you do if there was more ??

I think I would have to leave him if I found out he was doing it again. But I just worry about can I afford to leave him (sounds awful I know) but we have a 11 month old and I don't know how I would cope on my own money wise.

OP posts:
SnowySpa · 09/09/2023 05:07

I wouldn't like that either. Whether he is looking for an affair, or he just enjoys being flirty with women, he's married and neither one of those things is okay. You might want to suggest couples counseling to show him how serious you are about this. Or say you'd like to have "open phones" so either one of you can look on the other's phone at any time. See what his response is. Ask him how he would feel if you were flirting with other men online. He may have not thought about it that way.

hallysally · 09/09/2023 06:17

I would invent a scenario where you ask if you can borrow his phone for a minute. His reaction to that request will likely tell you a lot!

I am sorry you're going through this. I've been through it too with an ex-P and it's very painful. Their phone becomes this object of fear and division - you're dying to see what's on it but also don't want to snoop but at the same time, you want proof that you're wrong. Flowers

HollyBollyBooBoo · 09/09/2023 06:17

Awful situation, when that level of respect to you from him and trust from you has gone how can you ever come back from it? It's not something I could personally do, it would be like a constant shadow or threat following me around.

Octosaurus · 09/09/2023 06:51

Sounds like he's addicted to collecting more and more validation and the best way to do it is through flirting with gullible women.

You post indicated that he's already done it once, that he will likely gaslight you. I think he doesn't respect you and I think you should 100% leave

Didimum · 09/09/2023 06:55

Why would you be able to trust him? He has proven himself to be untrustworthy and continues to do so. It is not your job to find trust in him, it is his job to show you (not just tell you) that he is a safe and trustworthy partner, and he isn’t doing that. So it by far better for you that you don’t.

In telling you that he has deleted Snapchat but hasn’t, he firstly doesn’t care about the first time he betrayed you and secondly has no qualms about doing it again. Simply - he’s a person of poor character and values. Why should you or your child put up with that?

Find your backbone and consult with a solicitor.

Dery · 09/09/2023 07:06

@Didimum has nailed it. You can’t learn to trust him. He is untrustworthy. Really sorry you’re going through this, OP. Very tough - especially with a baby to think of.

Treacletoots · 09/09/2023 07:12

Why can't you leave him. Of course you can. Millions of women have left their cheating husband and successfully carried on with their lives.

What's holding you back? You know he won't change, he doesn't respect you and his behaviour will only get worse.

You deserve better than this. You only get one life. Don't waste it on this dick head.

thisbathiscoldnow · 09/09/2023 07:14

Treacletoots · 09/09/2023 07:12

Why can't you leave him. Of course you can. Millions of women have left their cheating husband and successfully carried on with their lives.

What's holding you back? You know he won't change, he doesn't respect you and his behaviour will only get worse.

You deserve better than this. You only get one life. Don't waste it on this dick head.

This with bells on.

ConnieTucker · 09/09/2023 07:15

You know he is lying so why try to trust him at all?

Didsomeonesaydogs · 09/09/2023 08:05

This isn’t a “you” problem.

He’s lying. That’s why you can’t trust him.

@Didimum and @Treacletoots are spot on.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 09/09/2023 08:06

Oh and in my experience and a LOT of others, what you know is just the tip of the iceberg.

Susieb2023 · 09/09/2023 08:10

You can’t trust someone who is lying and still sneaking around.

If you strip this back to its absolute base, his need to seek validation from messaging other women trumps his desire to help you feel safe and loved.

You’re stuck in no man’s land.

You either make a decisive move to leave (which ‘may’ shake him up) or you’re slowly eroded by this and it does lead to an affair. Which is hell to go through.

I wish I could say differently but surely you (and your baby) deserve better?!

Susieb2023 · 09/09/2023 08:10

And sadly experience has taught me as well that it’s likely to be the tip of the iceberg.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 09/09/2023 08:36

Snapchat? How old are these women?

If he was trustworthy he wouldn’t be messaging other women full stop. He’s got a wife he can have sex with what’s the point of messaging other women.

perfectcolourfound · 09/09/2023 11:18

You can't learn to trust someone who is untrustworthy. Not trusting him is a very sensible and rational thing to do. Please don't try to talk yourself out of being sensible and rational, ie protecting yourself.

'A few months back I caught my husband messaging women in a sexual way'.... this in itself is more than enough reason to never trust him again, and to leave him. Whether or not it went further, he was cheating. He was thinking of other women in a way he should only think of you. He was getting sexual kicks from other women. He may or may not have met them (you will never know for sure, he might have done, certainly if you hadn't caught him it would have happened eventually if not already).

So that alone would be enough for me to leave him.

And now you know he's lied about snapchat. Again, lying alone is enough for you not to trust him, and to leave him. But worse, he's lying about not having snapchat. Why would he do that unless he's messaging other women?

It's fairly certain he is. You know in the past he was. He has form. He lies. Please don't try to force yourself to trust someone who is untrustworthy. It makes no sense.

RandomForest · 09/09/2023 13:31

Trusting is overated especially when they are low lying cheats like your husband.

I know you don't want to, but dump him.

He's opened the relationship up to him actively seeking other women, you are now entitled to do as you please, date, go on OLD, whatever.

The rules have changed the contract broken you are no longer in a monogamous relationship.

Don't try and be trusting in that situation, it will blow your mind with the pain.

Watchkeys · 09/09/2023 13:52

Trust isn't a skill that you are either capable of doing or not; it's a feeling you get, based on others' actions.

He has shown you that he is not trustworthy, and so you do not feel trust. You can't 'learn how to trust him again' any more than you can 'learn to fall in love with a pot of Ambrosia Devon Custard'; it's a feeling. You get what you're given, and you live your life to suit.

Have a look at this https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/ Speak to Citizen's Advice to find out which advice agencies are available for someone in your position. Get some info on how to get out; you don't need to do anything about it yet. Once you know what you'll be up against in moving on, work out whether you want to stay in a relationship with an untrustworthy man who is already unfaithful in spirit.

Janieforever · 09/09/2023 13:54

Don’t feel bullied into leaving him; yes it’s not very edifying to be with someone for money/lifestyle but you wouldn’t be the first sadly. However it is prudent to start to get yourself financially secure as it’s only a matter of time before he ends it, if he’s already over the side.

Frogger8395 · 09/09/2023 14:13

Trying to trust someone who isn’t trustworthy is to gaslight yourself.

category12 · 09/09/2023 14:25

This is going to sound crazy but he told me he has deleted Snapchat, which is where most of the chats were happening. But I can see that he goes on there most nights when I come up to bed. Now if he didn't have anything to hide then why wait until I'm in bed.

I'm not sure where you're getting the "this is going to sound crazy" from. (Him, I assume).

He told you he deleted SnapChat
-but you know he hasn't
-and is using it most nights.
So he's flat out lying to you.

Why would you believe someone you know is lying to you? That would be crazy.