Outsider's opinion?

[xxchinese]

So a little back story me and my current partner have been together coming up to 4 years now (if you don't include a 6-7month split up we had) during covid of 2020 we now have a child together when we broke up in 2020 for them 6-7months we cut contact but spoke occasionally anyway during the break up we both got on with our own lives I met another boy and dated him and my partner said he never met anyone else nor did he do anything sexual with anyone else so this whole time I've been made to believe he's been clean about everything and kept himself to his self well today I was at his mums house as she was having our child (her grandson) overnight and we got talking about the time we broke up for them 6-7 month and she let slip that he had brought another girl home and they went on a date to the cinemas which is absolutely fine we was broken up I don't expect him to sit around depressed that we broke up as I was doing my own thing anyway today I'm hurt about the fact that I've been lied to this whole time asif I have mug written across my head like I've been laughed at this whole time when me and my partner got back together I was straight up with him from the start and told him yes there was such a person I was dating and slept with blah blah blah but my point was why have I been lied to this whole time why couldn't he of been straight up with me from the start I'm not bothered about the other girl I'm bothered about the lie his mum when she was telling me told me I shouldn't be upset about it because it was ages ago and he only brought the girl round once and she was never seen again but I don't care how long ago it was I could of been 5 years to 5 weeks ago it's still gonna hurt me just as much I'm sorry I'm just rambling on but I feel stupid as how small his mum has made me feel I feel now asif I can't be upset about it but tbh I feel betrayed I don't see the need in lying because now your gonna make me question everything else I have brought it up with my partner tonight and asked him why has he lied to me this whole time and he's still denying it and calling his mum a liar

I'm never one to post something this big but I needed to get it of my chest

Tbh I'd book myself in for a sexual health check up just to be on the safe side regardless.

I think if it happened when you were broken up, I'd be inclined to let it go unless he's been acting superior that he wasn't with anyone during that time when you were. If he was holding it over you in any way then I'd see that as a red flag.

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him directly that you expected him to date during the time you were separated but you felt you were starting things off on a good footing by being honest with each other so you want him to be truthful about what happened during that time.

Tbh normally I'd say that it's not really any of your business/ his business what either of you did provided you were both safe during that time and it's a conversation that would either have cleared the air, or made for jealously. So I'm wondering if he felt at the time that he couldn't be honest for fear of hurting you or that he didn't believe that you wouldn't have a reaction to it so he lied. And now he's got caught out.

I think you're feeling embarrassed because of how you found out and that it was his mum who told you. But I kind of feel that the facts are the same. You were broken up and you've since started a new relationship. I'd evaluate how you've felt things have been going since you got back together, has he given you any cause for concern, has he been involved and supportive and respectful towards you for the last 2 years or have there been other things that don't sit right with you? If this is the only thing that's been off and he's been a fantastic partner outside of this incident, then I think I'd try to move on from it in the knowledge that it was while you were separated and he was maybe worried about your reaction. But if there are other issues or he's lied before or you've had other reasons to doubt him then I'd reconsider the relationship.

Sorry, but I think you're making a massive drama over a non-issue. He didn't cheat on you. What he did then or with who is absolutely none of your business. The lying isn't great, but I imagine he lied because for whatever reason, he didn't want to discuss that event with you and felt a bit cornered to make some kind of response. No one is perfect, op.

If he is otherwise a good person who you trust, I would not let this one isolated incident tarnish your relationship.

Thank you for the advice it all does make sense thankfully when I got pregnant with our son I had all the sex health checks done and all came back clear as up until today I thought I would of been clear anyway I know you guys are saying I'm making a massive drama out of it but I just can't help how I feel I don't think I felt embarrassed that I found out of his mum because me and his mum are close we talk to each other all the time its just more of a feeling of probably jealousy deep down which yet I know is my problem or his I just thought I'd getting back together being open and bones fresh slate would of been best I don't know I just feel like for him to make such a fuss about telling me he hasn't been with anyone never met anyone for it then just to be a lie I don't see the point

My problem not his* sorry

My guess is he's tried to avoid this exact reaction by lying. You're only human and you do feel jealous and I think most of us would. I think you need to sit with this for a bit because if he'd told you at the time or told you now, getting that information is still going to suck. But I don't think it's realistic to expect to know everything about your partners past, these aren't questions I would have asked my dh because it's not my business. By asking him to tell you everything so it's a 'clean slate' it's kind of like you're asking him to confess stuff he did like it was something wrong. When really you weren't together and to me if it's a truly clean slate, I'd be drawing a line under anything that went before so it wouldn't be a conversation I'd be inclined to have.

I'm wondering if he's ever cheated on you before and perhaps this has dredged up those feelings?

I would also say that most guys grow up around the idea that often women say and mean different things. And that we like to test them etc. And some people do that, but I do think that stereotype can get in the way when you're asking your partner something that they know could hurt/offend and saying that you'll be cool with it, because they're thinking but will you really be cool with it or will saying this mean the end of my relationship. It's not great that he lied and I get that's what you're upset about but I think you take it that if its something that happened while you weren't together, and he's not done anything wrong, then he's entitled to having privacy as are you.

Do yourself, and your relationship, a massive favour and never talk about previous partners/lovers again. They don't matter and you don't have to share every private detail of your pasts with each other. You clearly have some jealousy issues that you haven't come to terms with, so no good will come from sharing.

I totally get what you mean and totally get what your saying and to be honest yeah I agree it's all good being mature and saying being honest is best thing to do but even back then if I found out this information I probably still would of felt how I feel now and probably would if reacted worse than I did today as it was in the past I can't do anything about it now also I don't know if he has ever cheated on me I believe he hasn't and I hope he hasn't but I have been cheated on in past relationships prior to this one that could maybe what has provoked my jealousy but honestly thankyou for taking your time in helping me see this situation in a different light as the more you explain that Ive not actually been cheating on and yeah it really isn't my business it kinda makes it okay but im still hurt and allowed to be as yes we are only human but I am not going to carry this matter on with him its just bugging my after his mum has admitted to it why is he then still calling her a liar and denying it but yet again he probably just wants privacy
Thankyou

Yes lessons learnt, I feel like I'm still very young with not much life experience to know what is right or wrong and that's what gets me into these situations I've been with my current partner since I was 16 I am now 21 with a 1 year old baby with him this is all still a learning curve to me

What a lying toe rag

You’re saying you’d have felt this way had he been honest so there was no benefit in him being honest with you. He couldn’t do right for doing wrong.

You admit yourself you dated and slept with someone else and you were on a break so what happened with other people
was not your business or his. You need to put it out of your mind and move on, unless you feel he’s lied about other things. If he’s a habitual liar you’ll never feel
comfortable with him. A loving relationship doesn’t have space for lying. If he omitted to tell you because he knew how
youd react then you need to consider if your responses are excessive.

You are very young, OP, which is why you didn’t realise that it wasn’t really appropriate to question him about what he did while you were split up. And for what it’s worth, my experience is that men do lie about this kind of thing precisely because they don’t want to have to go into it. When I was about 18, my dad told me - never believe what a man tells you about his love life. Not what you want to hear from your father but honestly every time that piece of wisdom was put to the test for friend’s boyfriends and my own during our twenties it was nearly always true. And it’s not in the context of men being unfaithful but if them not wanting to have to answer questions about their romantic past. It becomes less relevant as you get older because by then pretty much everyone has some relationship history.

So why does he have the right to know what she down while they were split up? Complete double standards on this post

For a little bit more context the more context another reason why this bothered me so much because when he found out I was messing with another guy during our break up when we got back together and I told him and thought it would be cool in later arguments he would then throw this guy in my face or use it against me when this whole time he was out messing with another girl so really he shouldn't of had the cheek to do that to me and why is he now soooo angry towards his mum for telling me I believe her over him 1000% but why is his reaction to her telling me so angry towards her and calling her a liar

I bloody knew he'd be using your 'split' relationship against you!

He's a liar and I don't know why people on this thread are so keen to justify his lying.

Lying toerag is right.

It might just about have been understandable if he never mentioned the split and/or relationships during it ever again. But oh no! He lied because he WANTED to throw your 'split' relationship in your face whenever he wants.

Nasty bastard. Do the same to him - use his lying about this relationship to fnish with him for good. All relationships need trust - and you can't trust a lying hypocrite.

Finally someone who i think understands where im coming from so thankyou for that that's all I wanted lol so I didn't think I was going insane or being the crazy girlfriend I've not overreacted about it to him just simply asked why he lied I wrote this thread as I was more hurt than pissed off and needed someone like you to see why and everyone said its not my business this and that which I completely understand there not wrong it's just the harsh reality really x