Feeling utterly miserable and sad

[Sparkles2323]

Hey everyone. Sorry this is a moaning post as I don’t feel I have anywhere I can say these things.

I ultimately know that my relationship has to end but it’s heartbreaking and frustrating.

Me and DH have been in a relationship for about 10 years and have 3 beautiful DC. I have always worked, he spent a lot of time ‘between things’ and I struggled to carry us. I didn’t think I resented it but maybe I did deep down - he just never settled into anything and there was always an excuse and an expectation that I would take the fall - I admit this was a lonely place to be. He is working now. I am still struggling to get back on top financially from these years of up and down income and no stability.

I have always done 90% of the household responsibilities and DH has made us clear that he finds them tedious and it has become a source of friction. I am exhausted but he just does not care! I work 30 hours, do school/nursery stuff, and then all the house things (cooking, cleaning, laundry). He said it’s my fault I am tired as I choose to do all of it….but he doesn’t and won’t as he wants to ‘rest’ at home not do more work. It’s definitely my fault for allowing it to carry on like this.

The DC are still smaller (all under 7) so need plenty of attention etc but he also finds this a chore - and I am finding I can’t deal with this part any longer. My dad was fairly rejecting to me and it has impacted on my self esteem growing up - I don’t want them feeling as I do (I probably over compensate them with OTT affection etc and am fairly soft on them). He is always looking for time away from family things than looking for time with us all (computer games/tv/phone/45 min long toilet….) He flips at the slightest thing and feel sometimes we all walk on egg shells and he digs his heels in over such strange things (tonight he wouldn’t turn away from his phone to look at a picture the eldest drew, when I tried to encourage as DC looked hurt he shouted and ranted about not being forced to do something he could do later). He seems to generally dislike the day to day parenting but then will gush over his photos of the kids to people - almost like he hates the reality but can pretend all is rosy in his mind? It seems he does not like the restrictions that children have on your time.

The shouting, the moods, the selfishness I see daily are literally draining the sparkles from me and I feel I am slowly disappearing into a grey cloud.

He will love bomb. He will gaslight. He can leave me spinning after an argument and then pretend it’s not happened at all. I feel so desperately unhappy.

Thank you for reading.

Amongst other things, my abusive ex used to say 'you choose to do those things' and 'i dont ask you to do it' ..in regards to me calling him out on doing nothing to contribute even though he benefited and willingly soaked all that up. My ex was a stonewaller, narcissist, selfish, misogynistic, lazy ba*tard. 25 years i stayed, because he chipped slowly away at me without me realising. I cooked, shopped for food house stuff, organized everything, worked, cleaned, i did all the diy, decorating etc. Only jobs he has was empty bin once a day and mow lawn every 2 week...he wouldnt wipe bin out either so I still ended up disinfecting bin! It was exhausting, i was suicidal in the end. Get out NOW please OP

Btw he used to lovebomb too when he had gone too far or thought i was going to leave, not for long , couple days he would be back to his normal self. He made me so ill. I lost myself. Get rid OP.

Thank you @Loubelle70 I can recognise my feelings in your post - I feel I am being chipped away at slowly. And yes, the love bomb lasts for about a day then back to usual. He is an incredibly negative man who can only see the things that aren’t perfect and never sees what he has in front of him.

I recognize my ex in your boyfriend. Im sorry, don't stay as long as i did.xxx

I could cry for you, i know how it feels. Its soul destroying and lonely..for the sake of your kids too. Plan to leave. Put money aside in secret if you can. Make an exit plan x

Right, so you have made the hardest decision in that you “know it has to end.”

Now begins the practical side.

There is no harm in taking legal advice and starting to make calm and collected plans about your departure. Your legal advisor can help you with information about what you might need to do.

Stay cool, be calm, make plans. Play your cards close to your chest. Play the long quiet game then whack him with it and see his face change!

You may not be able to activate much very quickly but knowledge is power and with that you can move forward.

Best of luck OP. Your new life starts as soon as you trigger it.