Is there something wrong with me

[Mum2two2022]

So this is a random post with various different factors. Back story - I'm 27 I've Been with my husband for 12 years married 4. Got 2 kids a 1 year old and 3 year old. Work from home 4 days a week. Husband works full time. 3 year old in nursery 1 1/2 days a week goes to 3 days in January. 1 year old 1 day a week.

I've been really struggling this past year mentally. My husband is shit that's the only way to put it. I love him but he's shit. Shit with money, shit with affection, shit with spending time with his kids. He's never here, he never helps me with the kids. Goes to work, works "late" but most of the time I know he's been at the pub or god knows where. Or he comes home from work and sits on the toilet for ages and then sits on his phone. He speaks to me like crap, we owe loads of people money cause of him. He has his own business before he started a new job in June and literally left us in the crap, owed money to loads of people and resulted to me helping him out and family/friends. It's out a huge strain on our relationship to the point I DONT trust him with money. It disappears I'm the one worrying and he goes about his day. MONEY is the main factor. Further on, he never spends time with the kids, doesn't really interact with them, if he does will be all of 20 mins.

I feel like I am at breaking point, to the point I want to scream so much. I get frustrated with the kids cause of money or cause of him. I work with them at home with me. I get up with them every morning and on weekends god I don't remember the last time I had a break or a lay in.

I just don't even know what I am doing, I know what I should be doing and that's kicking him the hell out and moving on with my life. Feel like I am fully stuck in a rut. I went to a therapist back in February cause I feel like how I do now. And now I just don't know what to do.

I am not sad I am angry. So bloody angry all the time. My kids are everything to me but I generally am on my own. I have family my parents live up the road and they are amazing but I don't want to burden them with my issues. I just need to rant before I scream

Rant away, its sounds incredibly tough.
You know what you need to do- divorce your husband.
I know its not easy but neither is living like this.
Get some legal advice, take copies if all financial documrnts, statements, pay slips etc what is your housing situation?
The other thing that struck me is how impossible it is to WFH and look after small children at the same time .
Are your employers aware? You and DH really need to sort childcare for when you are both working, Its unfair on you, DC and your employer to carry on like this.
Im so sorry you are going through this.
Your parents will probably want to support you as best they can , so do reach out to family and friends for support.

@Runnerduck34 honestly the thought has run through my head more times than I can think. We rent so it's an easier enough situation to get out of. My employer understands I know I have the kids with me they are fine with it doesn't bother them, but I feel like I am at home 24/7! I am going back into the office as of Monday thank god so that will give me some time. I just feel like everything is on me. I just don't even know what to do anymore it's so hard

My honest opinion is this is what often happens in relationships where you've been together since teenage years. You almost aren't given a chance to "adult" separately, or figure out who you are without the other person. You end up growing apart if one person wants to have the typical 20s and the other is happy to settle down. I was in the same position and leaving was the best thing I did. I needed time to work out who I was without him and what traits I liked and my ex needed time to go out, have wild lads holidays and casually date people.

@caerdydd12 THIS is it. I often think have we our grown each other? He's all about his friends and doing what makes him happy not his family.

You've just grown into two different people. If he's honest with himself he's probably not ready to be a parent (although obviously that's tough shit right now) and probably not ready to be responsible yet. He might look at friends who work all week but can do whatever they want at weekends, go out and just live paycheck to paycheck. In my experience some of those lads who have never "let loose" in their early 20s tend to almost go twice as hard with the lack of respect and responsibility as they get a bit older. I also think a lot of the time they're the ones who cheat or lie because deep down they think they've missed out on some big right of passage.

It's ok to outgrow each other, but don't waste the rest of your 20s (and 30s!) on someone who isn't ready to grow up. My advice is to enjoy your own company, enjoy your children and eventually you'll meet someone who you see as an equal, and who treats you as an equal.

And to answer the thread title, no, there's absolutely not something wrong with you. Don't take on his flaws as your fault x

@caerdydd12 yeah totally, when I was pregnant with my first he was out every single week and to be fair hasn't done that for a good year and a half now but still nips to the pub every other night without telling me I just can smell it!!

We are most definitely two different people , yes we like the same things but that's it. I feel like I have a 3rd child 99% of the time. I know I'd be fine without him but it's just getting to that which is hard he's all I've known. My friends husband to be is amazing to her literally dotes on her. I think how have I not got that.

He was brought up so well I don't know what's gone wrong with him.

@caerdydd12 thank you truly appreciate that, it's so hard x

Honestly it doesn't sound like he's a bad person, he just sounds like hes not ready to grow up yet. Unfortunately it's not usually one of those things that time will fix either, I've found they need time apart rather than just time to grow up together.

I've been in your shoes and my ex (I think) has settled down now, but he needed time to "sow his oats" and be a jack the lad without me. I had some time on my own, parenting, and I'm now with someone who knows what it's like to be a good, equal partner.

I know it's hard, fear of the unknown and fear of change is a big part of it. I felt like I wished I could fast forward to the point I was by myself and all the awkward "I'm leaving you" crap was done.

Although you've been together 12 years and are married and have two children, you're still so young. My DCs are around your age and still single, and enjoying finding out who they are before they commit to someone else. I mean that in a positive way. You have so much life ahead of you. Please don't throw it away over someone who expects you to do all the work, all the parenting, all the worrying, all the being sensible, all the keeping it together, all the relationship effort.

You deserve better.

Have I missed something? What's the point of being with this man?

@perfectcolourfound thank you. Truly a hard situation

@caerdydd12 indeed we go on holiday with my parents next week defo getting that out the way then dealing with this crap. Before I explode!

@Damnedidont you haven't missed anything. It's easier said then done when in this situation

I'd be telling him not to come on the holiday tbh and taking some time away with your family.

You've been together since you were 15?

Yea, that's hard to then find yourself in a situation that your adult self doesn't agree with.

Take it slowly for yourself. You're catching up with stuff most teenagers take about 10 years to figure out.

There's no rule that says you have to be together forever.

Maybe some counselling would help, even with someone you trust in your family/friends circle. Or online.

You owe you and your kids the best life.

Couldn't get excited about a partner who's in the pub permanently....
I like going out and pubs are great. But not a substitute to dealing with life on a day-to-day. That's just an excuse to opt out.

You deserve so much better.

@caerdydd12 yeah that did cross my mind. But I thought if he came he could have the kids and I can go and do my own thing got no choice when my parents are around haha!

@MariaLuna yeah since we were 15. Don't get me wrong I love him but I don't like him as a person. Things and times have changed