Something doesn't feel right about new bf

[NotNowGertrude]

Been seeing someone for a few weeks, amazing chemistry, very attractive, very calm & good at reassuring me but something doesn't feel right. I can't explain it any more than that, I don't know what it is. Not sure what to do other than end it but seems a bit daft when it's just a funny feeling. Anyone experienced anything similar?

Run, run, run. You must trust your instincts, you are picking up on something. Run.

Going against the grain here, but could it be that you don’t feel safe in a healthy relationship?

In no means am I telling you not to trust your instincts, but maybe slow down the fear response and actually look at it?

People with a history of rocky relationships (romantic or otherwise) can often develop a sense of security in equally unhealthy relationships. If you’re expecting disappointment, you’re never disappointed kinda thing. It could be that you’re so used to having to be fearful or on edge that being in a healthier relationship is causing your brain to try find something negative to latch onto. It’s easier to be miserable than happy, it’s easier to be fearful than feel safe. It sounds odd to people who have never experienced those kind of dysfunctional patterns, but it’s a real trauma response.

It’s almost like your brain starts recognizing a pattern of negativity in relationships, so it waits to see these patterns emerge. When they do, you’re filled with a sense of “oh phew, the other shoe finally dropped and I’m used to this, I know what to do.” When the pattern doesn’t emerge, your brain is like “the pattern is broken and I’m not used to that, this is scary and new.”

Is it possible this could be happening here?

Going against the grain here, but could it be that you don’t feel safe in a healthy relationship

If so, OP, you still need to leave. You're not ready for a relationship.

Again, I’m not saying don’t trust your instincts. If you feel you need to run, then run.

But our brains operate on fight or flight first. However, when we experience traumatic things, no matter what level it is, our brain rewires to become more sensitive to similar situations. It’s where anxiety comes from. Fight or flight gets muddled and suddenly good things are triggering the response because the brain has been negatively impacted in the past and is over sensitive

This means that sometimes our brains get scared a little too easily, which is where anxiety disorders come from (when it’s prolonged). Sometimes you need to slow down and re-examine the situation. Give your brain a moment to get passed the fear and allow logic back in.

Women usually pay a massive price further on down the line for ignoring those instincts. How much do you actually know about this guy? Great chemistry and looks are all very well, however something has triggered an alarm. My advice would be to walk away.
If it was meant to be you wouldn't have these worries. Your gut instinct is there for a purpose which is to keep you safe.

Run!

I have been there. The feeling to run was very strong but I went against it as he seemed so great and I had such a poor history in relationships. I told myself my feelings to run were a me problem. They weren’t. He turned out to be a psycho.

I now trust my feelings all the time.

Doesn't sound good OP. You should trust your instincts. Also, why does he need to reassure you? Sounds odd to me.

Always trust your gut. You might regret not trusting it if you don’t.

I wish I had of listened to mine a couple of times before
Gut feeling / doubts etc
Unless it's like previous posters have said and it's because you're in a nicer relationship that is a little bit of a new feeling for you

It doesn't matter if you can't put your finger on what's not quite right about him. The feeling is there for you so end the relationship. Don't suppress your instincts - go with them.

Chances are, you're picking up on something familiar - it could be body language, mannerisms, a tone of voice, an unspoken word - something you've blindly gone along with in past relationships and it didn't work out. This time, your instincts are kicking in and recognising that similar pattern.

Maybe you will stick around until you get that clarity, that evidence, that "aha, that's what this is" moment, and you'll mentally beat yourself up for not listening to your gut feeling sooner.

We can all say don't stick around to find out if your gut feeling right but it might be that you need to experience this in order to learn to trust your instincts instead of questioning them.

Mk I had that feeling when I first met my husband. Something just did not feel right.
However we have been married 11 years and super happy.
I was in shit relationships before and this felt not right. I was not used to someone 'different to the norm'.

I’m single and have no plans to date again BUT I would always trust my instincts. If he is reassuring you unnecessarily I’d think he has something he doesn’t want you to be thinking about…

Trust your gut.

I have experienced similar but ignored that feeling and didn't find out the feeling was right until it was too late. I'll never ignore my gut instinct again.

I agree with @Mimmy352

I read (somewhere on here) that the issue with having dysfunctional emotional responses or trauma is we "can" push decent people away too quickly to protect ourselves.

But then that leaves us lonely and isolated and subsequently more vulnerable to the love-bombers and predators.

Decent men and people aren't going to socially "push" but the creeps will.

It's a vicious cycle.

I think taking practical precautions (ie not getting too intimate too quickly, finding out about someone and seeing them with their friends and family, checking them out online and giving it time) is best.

I don't really think anyone should trust verbal reassurances - just see what the person is like over time and watch and observe. Talk is cheap.

And don't have them "involved too much in your life" too soon. Take time.

It will be something he has said that didn't sit right. Maybe jealousy, combined with love bombing? He should not need to be good at reassuring after only a few months. That is probably unsolicited assurances which could mean the opposite.

Thankyou to all who posted, it's been really helpful to understand what could be making me feel like this

There’s no such thing as instinct?! I’m sorry, but that is a mad thing to say! You don’t think humans, or any other animal presumably, have an instinct for danger that helps keep them alive? Of course we bloody do.

I would be cautious to throw the whole man out because history of bad relationship can turn gut instinct into IBS.

However, if there is something that just makes you this uncomfortable - its better to be safe than sorry.

in any case, even if there is nothing to be worried about, the fact that something about him makes you uncomfortable means that this relationship is probably not going anywhere anyway

Could you maybe elaborate on the reassurance thing? Where it’s originating from etc.

Blimey, either way it's doomed for you.

I'd keep going maybe until you can pinpoint something specific?

@LightSpeeds

Something not feeling right is something specific.

Op not having this relationship might be avoiding doom. Healthy relationships feel good. You don't end up posting about weird uncomfortable feelings on forums when you're with a compatible partner.

@Watchkeys i think what they meant was that people who were stuck in a loop of less than happy relationships may feel uncomfortable being in a healthy one

for example: people with anxiety often began to feel uneasy if there is no concrete threat to their safety and wellbeing. The mind is telling them there has to be something - like there always was - but they don't know what that something is. This makes is much more terrifying than being faced with a known threat.

Thank you for the explanation and example, @PaintedEgg

What I was saying was that this situation...

people with anxiety often began to feel uneasy if there is no concrete threat to their safety and wellbeing. The mind is telling them there has to be something - like there always was - but they don't know what that something is. This makes is much more terrifying than being faced with a known threat

...describes a person who needs to get into a healthy frame of mind on their own before they try to start a new relationship.