The other man

[LolaM42]

I had an affair and I told my husband.
we decided to work on our marriage. It’s been 2 months since I saw the other man but in that time not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of him.
I miss him. I want to stop thinking about him but I can’t

And?

Try harder.

Have the guts to end your marriages if it's what you both want but don't sneak and lie and hurt either spouse any further.

I ended the affair 2 months ago

Oh this will go well 🍿

Realistically op you need to think about what was lacking in your marriage that made you stray in the first place, and work like hell on that if your husband is willing. But you need to be the one doing the legwork to fix this as you broke it. Otherwise leave and put the poor man out of his misery instead of moping over your side piece like a teenager.

What is the point of your post?
Are you asking a question?

I would suggest you go to counselling so that you can disect why you wanted to stray in the first place. Your DH will also need to be able to ask some difficult questions of you so that he can learn to trust you again.

You don’t have to stay with your husband. Is the other man married?

Is the reason you’re staying married because the other man is married/in a relationship that he won’t end? If so that isn’t fair to your husband.

Don’t pretend to be committed to reconciliation and working on things if you love this other man. It won’t end well.

If you're not completely invested in saving your marriage, then do your DH a favour and let him go. It's that simple.

I love my husband.
He wanted a threesome which we did, I ended up having feelings for this om and him for me.

Oh for fucks sake. Jog on.

Ok I'm out

Affair relationship feelings are heightened by the ‘if onlys’ and the illicit secret nature of the whole situation you are in.
During your affair I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t consume you, become most of what you daydreamed about and when you weren’t with the OM, you fantasised scenarios with him. All in secret, all intoxicating. It became your default way of thinking. Lying became your commonplace default way of surviving. It’s not surprising you’re confused and obsessive.
It’s what usually happens in affair relationships and they are addictive for this reason, they are unlike relationships which are out in the open in the real world.
Even when you end an affair, it is normal for your usual
pattern of thinking to persist. The addictive feelings can also persist, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t love your husband or that you really love the OM. It means you are trying to abruptly change the way your brain has been operating overnight. Your rational brain can see what it wants, but your addicted brain is screaming for more adrenaline and dopamine.
Your marriage relationship cannot compete with an affair relationship. The novelty and secrecy and sneaking around gives you way more of a frisson than the day to day routine of a long term relationship. Two months isn’t long after an affair, especially if it was longer term with emotions involved.
Cold turkey with no contact, at all, no looking him up on social media, nothing, is the way forward. Wean yourself off your high-seeking behaviour and think how your husband would feel if he knew.
Put all that thinking and energy into your husband and marriage instead.
Imagine your life turned upside down, your so-far forgiving husband never wanting to see you again, divorcing you and cutting you out of his life to find a new relationship himself.
If that doesn’t bother you or fills you with a sense of relief, then tell him and end the marriage now. He’s in pain recovering from your affair. He’s only still with you because he thinks you’ve ended it and are trying hard to fix the terrible thing you did to him.
It is far, far worse than finding out about an affair to find out the spouse who wanted to recommit to the marriage is still lying, and being mentally and emotionally unfaithful even while professing that they love you and see a future with you.
Remember the reasons you ended the affair. Presumably they are still valid.
Don’t tell your husband you love him and want to be with him if you’re only staying out of duty or convenience. He deserves someone who loves him like he loves them.

🍿